Pursuing Adventures

Openings and Closings

Relationships are fragile and for me, transparency is key with people I am close to. This is about my disappointment with G because I checked my work email while I was on vacation. My bad. I thought writing about it would help me understand my reaction.

I try to treat people as I would like to be treated. But when I feel someone has crossed a line, I shut down. G will have to do a lot to ever regain my trust and friendship. She made a choice that she may believe is in her best interest but it has shut the door with me.

We need to be cognizant of boundaries -- not just our own but those of others.

Sometimes when someone crosses the line, they need to focus on their new destination and leave the past behind.

No one gives us the rule book but with life experience, we should have sufficient common sense to navigate the fragile threads that bind us to each other.

It comes down this: I despise games and value honesty. There is little time for manipulation.

Be straight -- even if it hurts.

Where G went astray is when she asked me if she could interview for another position and made some lame excuses, which I called her on. She was not honest. And by talking about it, she told me that she had already interviewed. I would have supported her but the way she did it hurt.

Her new life awaits her. I understand her rationale but her approach was uninspiring and dishonest. That is the crux of it and I need to get over myself on this issue.

What's next for me? How much longer at the insane asylum that is supporting my chosen lifestyle?

Maybe I need to write a business book first that will fund my lifestyle?

 

Letting Go of the Past

Too many people are too caught up with where they have come from that they dont realize that they can change their circumstances.  We hold on to too much irrelevant crap

This is a life changing trip because it is my journey.  It is about the now.  I am in the first leg of my trip flight UA 317 from SFO to LAX seat 2K.  I am finally truly enjoying my miles and am very present.  There is a gorgeous guy at the opposite side who keeps glancing over.  A good way to start the trip with eye candy.  I am ready for changing my life and starting to write.  Maria was right. I do have a lot to say and i do want to share.  I remember having this fantasy as a teenager to be a writer.

I did dabble in academic and then business writing.  But it never represented my authentic voice.  I feel a need o help others through my writing.  I just have to do it!

This is the first time in 12 years that i did not take my work computer.  I hope to put work out of my mind and focus on me.  All hat bullshit can wait.o

Lost in the Big Machine

I am in one of my moods and I wonder if it is post trip burn out or PMDD?  

I had a call with a friend today and I got it.  She said something insightful.   Asking people to work in unethical environments is exhausting.  Why?  Because the people have to deal with their own values and sense of right and wrong. 

Her advice is to find the sweet spot where you'd feel the love since this is still a great place to be in comparison to what's out there.  I guess, it's all relative.  They don't prepare us for this stuff.

There is no adult supervison for the top leaders.  They can do and behave as they wish.   There is no real way to give feedback.  It's all top down and HR advocates for the company; not the employees.

Leaders are talking about transparency and accountabilty with customers but that's not how they drive their own groups.

And why do so many people stay?  Because they can't afford to leave.  No one will pay them as much.

What was the final piece of advice to me?  "The problem is that you know way too much.   Play it dumb and show them the way."

Is it any wonder I am having deep thoughts today?

What about those of us who don't have children?

Almost 2 million women without kids in the US aged 40 to 44, 27% of women with advanced degrees without kids.  A Pew study this year shows that nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.

But we never get recognized.  It's not like we all decided not to have children.  It's infuriating at work when leaders talk about what we will tell our grandchildren.  Nothing.  We won't have any.   All this bullshit on inclusion and diversity and what does it drive?  Bias and exclusion.

Welcome to corporate America and it's rhetoric.

The stars align??

I woke up not feeling well and decided to cancel my trip and stay home.  I did all that first.  I swear!

And then I went to read the news and saw my horoscope for today:

If you feel like canceling plans, go ahead and cancel them. If you feel like skipping your hair appointment, call the salon and tell them you're sorry, but you just have to cancel your hair appointment. If you really only want to hang out in your reindeer slippers and not interact with anyone all morning, that's exactly what you should do (just make sure said slippers are okay at work). Relaxing is a real key to health, you know.

I know this is for me and millions of others.  But, it is the one day where it fits well?  Maybe I should check out the rest of the week???

Authenticity counts

I made a decision that changes the course of my life and I need to manage my expectations around it.  It has been interesting week since I was surprised at how many people were effected by my job change.  I had one guy tell me that he is really disappointed since I was one of the few people who looked at business integration.   When you work from home and alone, you have no idea that people care.  But, all of a sudden, when you leave on your own terms, people come out of the woodwork.  It's like everyone who says great stuff about the person when he/she gets buried and yet, they never knew any of it when they were alive.  Human nature is so complex.

I have to say that I have been really touched as this has been a very tough year of ups and downs.  The highs were high and the lows sucked.  The inconsistency was driving me crazy and the daily battles against the system were draining.  The worst part were the people who cared more about their programs and campaigns than the people.  

And the irony is that one of those people now is IMing and wants to get together since I am in the position of power in my new role.   I can't stand fake people.   The minute someone starts playing games with me, I check out.   And when I am done, I am done because I've been hurt and saw the person's real face.   There is no way in hell that I will give her the time of day in my new role.  And the lack of authenticity turns my stomach.   Had she been good to me all along, then we would have a relationship that we can continue to build.  But since she is a "user," there is no relationship and lip service is all she will get from me and I am more than happy to share my truth, if asked.  That's all it takes.

Trying to make a difference

Last week made me realize the potential of my work.  So many people want to work with me to make it happen but I have no support from the top.  I met with my two "volunteers" in the airport this week and they told me that they are so unmotivated right now and the program I have them working on keeps them going.  I was really touched by the email they sent me ...

Dearest ,

I wanted to take this occasion to thank you for the cameras. However more so, for actually leading/supporting/enabling/giving us this opportunity that has helped both of us keep going, where we both felt (and still do) that we’re working on something meaningful, worthwhile and interesting apart from our routine sales job. It has provided us with the little boosts that kept bringing us back to work and find motivation again.

Finally, I wanted to thank you for who you are! I know for a fact that I haven’t met many like you, honest and realistic with such spark, enthusiasm, and positive energy!!  I think it’s suffice to say “all hail” and that we both love you!

 Can’t wait to see you on Monday!

Barcelona

I feel so at home here and it's probably because of the 15+ years of friendship.   I had such an eye opening experience last week and then I got hit by the stupidest work email that made me so angry and disappointed.  But I got over it and realized that it is out of my control.  Assholes will be assholes.  And some times people you thought you knew turn out to be total strangers.   I do not want to be friends with this person any longer as they have such a warped view of the world.  

The only thing I can change is my circumstance and I am working on it so hopefully, it's just a matter of time.  And I have so much content for my book on the gap between reality and slideware.   That's what I am focusing on as it is a futile battle.  It's just sad to me that they care more about programs than people.   I care deeply about people and I will not change that at all.

Time to shower and get offline ... more later!

Brain on over drive

I tried to stay awake.  I made it until 9 pm and slept until 11 pm.  I have to make sure I go back to bed by midnight.  Jet lag is just brutal.

I spent yesterday listening to employees and it was exhausting.  So many simple issues that if anyone cared could be resolved.  I will try to help but will write the book one day, with a friend, on the corporate machine.  One guy yesterday really made me laugh when he compared his situation to the Flinstones.  He actually made so many animal analogies ranging from donkeys to mammoths.  The sad part was that it's not really funny.  I wish I could say that someone apart from me cares. Enough about work.

What did inspire me was conversations I had about their dreams to improve conditions in Kenya.  It was then that we got excited about what is possible.  I am looking forward to meetings with people who can actually make things happen.  

Adventures ...

I am finally packed.  Probably took too much crap but it is 3 weeks of road warrior stuff.  I am just sitting here, having some toast, listening to David Broza belt out some great words and guitar, while my photos flash on my Apple TV.  The next time I sit here, I will be uploading new photos of my adventures.

What am I doing this weekend?  Flying.  SFO --> Chicago --> Brussels --> Burundi --> Nairobi ... I will get there on Sunday night and am apparently doing an all hands with all the employees at 11 am on Monday.  I have plenty of time to think on the planes, especially since I could not get my hands on a 3G iPAD so no distractions for me.  It will come.

I am looking forward to this trip.  Africa.  I have been doing so much work on it in the past three years and now I get to go there and listen and learn.  How cool is that?

And then I get to hang out in Barcelona, one of my favorite places on this earth!  with great friends!!!!

I'll stop there since after that it's all back to work with HQ people who I try to allow to drive me crazy less and less.  Now, that is my 2010 goal: sanity and keeping away from morons.

Must get dressed now ... more from the road ...

. “Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

The Irony: Who Are the Real Winners or Losers?

When you're growing up, your whole environment compares you to everyone else and expects you to conform.   Grades, sports, dance, tests, parties; they all force you to understand that to succeed in this world, you must be the best in whatever you want.  To be accepted, you must conform.   Isn't that's why schools have the cool, popular kids, the jocks and the geeks?    Every where you turn, you are put into a box with a big, thick label.  It's just the way it is.

And then, the irony hits.   You start working and realize that you are still in high school.  Because truth and justice do not prevail.  The organization you work for is still run by humans and people love to put labels like high potentials or bottom 5%.  As long as you stay in the system, you will constantly be labeled.

The people who are writing all the best seller "how to" books are the ones having the last laugh.   

Time to follow the good old heart instead of what is considered doing the "right" stuff.

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress."
Frederick Douglass

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.” GB Shaw

This made me laugh and then pause to think:

May 9. 2010: Are you challenging authority again? You've almost certainly been tweaking the rules and playing devil's advocate at every opportunity, and why not? The good news is that you have an appreciative audience for all of your wacky hijinks. The somewhat less-good news is that you may have also earned the ire of someone who thinks they're in charge. Tone it down, for the time being -- soon you can go back to your old, more rambunctious self.

Authority.  So called "Power." So fucking BORING in my books.  But so many people breath and live for it.  Personally, I don't get it.  But I don't get wars either.   All a waste of time.  Big time.

I challenge authority when it does not make sense.  I cannot follow blindly.  I have a strong allergy to stupidity and conformity.   I see too much fear in people.  And too many people who lead with fear. Too much behavior that celebrates the leader, while everyone knows they have no real leadership qualities. They suck it all from where they stand on the corporate ladder and expect everyone to follow; just because.

That's just not who I am.  I respect people for who they are; not where they are on the fucking ladder.

The hypocrisy I am dealing now in my new so called "job" is so ridiculous.   No wonder it's such a mess since what people put on PowerPoint and what they practice are two different realities.

An email exchange: Are we at war, do we need "wins"?

Yes, I agree!  I think we are slowly getting there and starting to make in roads.  My ultimate vision (which is suppose to be aspirational in nature) is that I totally work myself and my team out of a job and it is just second nature in how we conduct ourselves and business!  We have a way to get there and we need to start building it into our leadership models, business models, etc, etc. 

I know you are frustrated and would like to get there sooner and some of the work you see being done feels like a step in the wrong direction.  At the end, you need to find those wins (which you have recently) and hold on to them!

Your vision is 150+% aligned with mine.  

I do have issues with the approach and that it's not about speed; it's about alignment.  I have to be honest and say that I am frustrated.  But it's more about not feeling accepted and part of the team than anything else.   I am in absolute culture shock as I am used to working in a very flexible environment without command and control.  I am glad that everyone else is passionate and feels they are part of a coalition but I don't feel very included to be honest.  Anyhow, I am going to do work with the field over the next few weeks and am looking forward to working directly with our people, customers and partners.  I love the field.  I love the passion of our people.  We have some amazing people.  For me, it's not about wins.  It's about making an impact and really helping our people and leaders.   

Yes, remember to bottle that energy!  There are places where you can re-energize and others that expend all of your energy.  It is a matter of where you put those force fields up :)

Take care!

What happens when they run out of my PMDD meds

All I want to do is sleep.  I had all these plans today and I ended up working and finishing up some stuff that was hanging over my head.

I have not felt this alone and isolated in a long time.   I don't feel like I am part of anything right now although I keep making efforts and trying.   At home, my friends all have their own lives and I feel disconnected from it these days.   I need to make some changes.  I need to be living my life.  I feel like time is just passing me by and for what purpose?

I used to be a workaholic but life has taught me that it is a false reality.  

What a week

It just flew by.  And, I am happy tomorrow is Friday.   My PMDD was so bad this time that I was an emotional wreck all week.  Everything bugged the hell out of me.  I reacted to everything.  I sweated the smallest crap.  Everything was wrong.  I was irrational.  Does that sound like PMDD?  And you think that after suffering for years, I would have figured it out by now.  But it gets me every single time.  Those freakin crazy hormones.