All we have is time. Take time for you. Invest in knowing yourself and what you want. Move away from what was drilled into your brain about what you are supposed to do.
Create your own rules and never let anyone get in your way. If you keep encountering the same roadblock, bad relationship or stressful work situation then there is a lesson you have yet to learn. Take the precious time, dig deep inside and break the pattern.
There is no destination. Just a series of life lessons. Cherish time and be very present. Focus on what is possible for you.
This is truly a milestone. I am just feeling happy and alive right now. I have shed a lot of the preconceptions i grew up where certain actions were labeled as right or wrong. I don't care.
People can judge and they do but almost everyone battles with their own demons. As i was sitting at the ocean at sunset, i was watching the sand crabs scurry along without having to stop their work for the humans. And they were working at a furious pace. I at quietly watching and thinking about survival.
And what really hit me is that since my divorce, I have gone through this journey where I fully decided that happiness is within reach. And every day, i shed the emotional weight. What's next is taking better care of my vessel and truly being able to get to the next level. It is not enough to work on the spirit, the time has come to tend to ghe body ... After this trip :)
Breakfast again. It has not become routine. Went back to reading Aleph and it is very relevant right now:
"we always tend to value what comes from afar, never recognizing the beauty around us."
" i had allowed myself to be slowly poisoned by routine."
Lots of thoughtful reading poolside today.
There are many newlyweds here. One couple who arrived yesterday caught my attention. Today, they arrived with their Kindles and smartphones. They are eating without talking. Each reading their ebooks.
And how funny is it that today I was asked if I was feeling lonely being here on my own. I have learned over the last five years to more and more cherish my alone time. There is also nothing that i feel I am missing by not venturing outside my cocoon. It is why I chose this resort. I needed to go deep inside.
I don't have my answers but i am not sure what the questions were.
I don't need to find myself. I am right here. The waves are crashing across the shore and i am sitting like a princess under an enormous tree taking it all in. I feel at peace. I am not sure what transformation i was expecting to occur in Thailand.
I feel rested and energized. I find it funny that i am the only single guest at The Naka Island. The staff have stopped putting two place settings down for me and some are getting used to me. There was a new guy at the beach who wanted to set a towel on the second beach chair. The world is still programmed for couples. And i feel so good in my own skin.
Being a couple does not always make you happy. I was watching strained silences at the breakfast table.
There is no manual and so many people fall into the trap of what is expected of them. I watched a single woman last week turning on the charm around single men. It was important for her to be recognized and rewarded with flirtations.
Some may argue that i am cyncial. I just am. I don't care about fitting into predetermined boxes. I have spent the past five years smashing them over my head and never looking back.
Got home last night and so happy. My flight landed at 8:30 pm and I was home by 9:30 exhausted. Boy, I was so happy to see my front door and my bed. I actually got a decent night's sleep and feel refreshed. I had a good week in Toronto. Mostly, because I have made a decision and I am going to do my best to stick to it this year:
Focus on what I have and ignore what I don't. Live with what I have and take it to the next level since I have so much ...
What I learned from the Costa Rica trip is that people with millions of dollars are not happy. They can fly on private jets. They can pay nannies to raise their children. They stress over getting their dysfunctional kids into the best school. And they are miserable. They don't have deep relationships because they use what they have as a shield. Money can't buy what they don't have.
Now, back to me.
I have my health, my family, my job, my house, my friends, my vision, my passion, my life experiences, my curiousity, my cooking and so much more. That's what I am focusing on ... big life lesson.
I still have to finish packing, paint my face, get dressed and take out the garbage before I head to the airport. This is the first business trip of the year and I am happy that I will be flying home on Friday. I am still a bit shell shocked from the so called vacation and have not really started to focus on ME.
This weekend was good in that I connected with my girlfriends, who I am totally grateful for. I am missing a few but am on the road of creating meaningful relationships this year with people who matter.
Ok ... better get my ass in gear and go offline ...
I have been going through the motions this past week after being home. And then, this morning I woke up from a dream where I was waiting for a flight and when I went to board, a huge group of school kids cut in infront of me. I thought I was boarding the plane directly but when I went through the door, it took me through the terminal. I couldn't see my flight number so I went up to an agent at one of the gates and found out that it was not my flight. The agent started to complain to me about the airline he works for and how totally dysfunctional it is. He was starting to give me some advice and all of a sudden I felt a sharp object hitting the back of my leg, really hard. When I turned around in pain and shock, it was an airline security agent who was yelling at both the agent and me.
And then I woke up ... confused ... and trying not to think about what it all means ...
Time is flying by too fast. This weekend is so what I needed right now. Good friends in one of my favorite places on earth. We are going to explore shortly. Last night was interesting. At dinner we were joined by a multi-millionaire and his second wife who looks like his daughter. I don't think he is used to being around three very worldly women and our conversations made my brain tired :-)
Last week made me realize the potential of my work. So many people want to work with me to make it happen but I have no support from the top. I met with my two "volunteers" in the airport this week and they told me that they are so unmotivated right now and the program I have them working on keeps them going. I was really touched by the email they sent me ...
Dearest ,
I wanted to take this occasion to thank you for the cameras.
However more so, for actually leading/supporting/enabling/giving us this opportunity that has helped both
of us keep going, where we both felt (and still do) that we’re working on
something meaningful, worthwhile and interesting apart from our routine sales
job. It has provided us with the little boosts that kept bringing us back to
work and find motivation again.
Finally, I wanted to thank you for who you are! I know for a fact that I haven’t met
many like you, honest and realistic with such spark, enthusiasm, and positive
energy!! I think it’s suffice to
say “all hail” and that we both
love you!
I feel so at home here and it's probably because of the 15+ years of friendship. I had such an eye opening experience last week and then I got hit by the stupidest work email that made me so angry and disappointed. But I got over it and realized that it is out of my control. Assholes will be assholes. And some times people you thought you knew turn out to be total strangers. I do not want to be friends with this person any longer as they have such a warped view of the world.
The only thing I can change is my circumstance and I am working on it so hopefully, it's just a matter of time. And I have so much content for my book on the gap between reality and slideware. That's what I am focusing on as it is a futile battle. It's just sad to me that they care more about programs than people. I care deeply about people and I will not change that at all.
I am sitting in the lobby of the Serena Hotel waiting to meet someone from our Kenya office. She really wanted an opportunity to talk to me so I am meeting her for tea on Sat. I just got back from hanging out with the giraffes, which was just great.
But I am tired and can't wait to take a nap. Tonight, I just want to go for a swim, order room service and catch up. I have a lot of work to do and email has been piling up.
But all that doesn't matter as much. I am processing everything I experienced this week and will write more soon.
I am finally packed. Probably took too much crap but it is 3 weeks of road warrior stuff. I am just sitting here, having some toast, listening to David Broza belt out some great words and guitar, while my photos flash on my Apple TV. The next time I sit here, I will be uploading new photos of my adventures.
What am I doing this weekend? Flying. SFO --> Chicago --> Brussels --> Burundi --> Nairobi ... I will get there on Sunday night and am apparently doing an all hands with all the employees at 11 am on Monday. I have plenty of time to think on the planes, especially since I could not get my hands on a 3G iPAD so no distractions for me. It will come.
I am looking forward to this trip. Africa. I have been doing so much work on it in the past three years and now I get to go there and listen and learn. How cool is that?
And then I get to hang out in Barcelona, one of my favorite places on this earth! with great friends!!!!
I'll stop there since after that it's all back to work with HQ people who I try to allow to drive me crazy less and less. Now, that is my 2010 goal: sanity and keeping away from morons.
Must get dressed now ... more from the road ...
. “Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” –Mark Jenkins
One of the reasons I loved my Kindle was the convenience of not carrying heavy books when I travel and to be perfectly honest, the ability to make the fonts larger. So when I dropped it right before my trip, I was mortified. It transformed itself into a useless device.
I was in the midst of reading The Help and was really enjoying it. When I got to the airport, I went to pick up a copy before I went through security. They were sold out. Yikes!
My flight was delayed so the airport was fairly empty. When I went to security, there was a group of 7 TSA agents waiting. They told me they are doing a new test and need to swab my palms with this puffy thing. One guy swabs and 6 watch. Bizarre. Apparently, my palms were fine.
As soon as I dress myself again and put all my crap away, I head to the bookstore and there is the book, waiting for me. Success. But what chapter was I at? i didn't pay attention since I kept clicking. I forgot how much I missed holding a beautiful, thick book. I managed to find my place and realize I was half way through the book. Who knew?
I will be honest that I will be getting an IPad - I do like making fonts bigger than wearing glasses.
And then at passport control, I was watching a scene that I found very disturbing. I had just watched Invictus on the plane and read a bit more from The Help. And here, in 2010 in London Heathrow, I am watching a very irate immigration agent belittle this man. "How long are you staying in London?" I couldn't hear what the man said but the agent barked back at him: "Then just put it down there, mate." He was angry and belligerent and I felt like walking up there and giving him a piece of my mind. But I was trying to get in the country and I did nothing except feel the anger spread throughout my body.
"So, why are you staying here until June 15th?" he taps his fingers in the guy's face. Again, I can't hear what the man is replying. But then the officer's demeanor changes and I hear him saying in a softer voice: "Oh, so you will be tidying the place up for when they arrive from Nigeria." I can't bear to continue but racism is alive disheartening.
And I must say, I love the courage of the women in The Help who want to speak out about what it was like to take care of the white families. Some of the passages are heart breaking as they point to the ignorance of the people who employ these amazing women. It's about fear again.
How do I summarize the past two weeks with all that I have experienced and processed? There were times I was writing in my head and it never made it here - where I wanted to debate all the thoughts. Oh, well.
Why do we persuade ourselves that we need our jobs to create the rest of our lives?
I met so many people in the past few weeks who may love what they do but don't feel rewarded or recognized for it all. They shared that although they work in a multinational company, they are treated like second class employees.
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