Pursuing Adventures

Lazy Sunday Morning

Having the perfect cup of coffee and waking up.  I wish the sun was out.  This is such a contrast to last weekend where we were frying.  It would be nice if it was more consistent and didn't go from hot to cold to supreme heat. 

The truth is that it doesn't matter as this morning I woke up remembering last year where I was in agony from my shingles.  I am sighing a sigh of relief that I am on the mend and that I can be around people.  I wasn't allowed to be around people for a whole week and had to cancel my Memorial Day party.   The party tomorrow is on, rain or shine.  It will be nice to just chill with friends.

It was fun to go grocery shopping with Sheila yesterday.  I just love spending time with her.  It's always so relaxed and the time just flies by.  It seems we have a good time whatever we do.  I feel so lucky to have met her and have some a good friend who lives close by.  It's going to be hard when she is away for so long but I am so excited that I get to take care of Lucy.  She is going to stay with me next weekend!!!  I am not sure if I am ready for the 5 am wake ups but it will be great :-)

Ok, I have to run to the store and pick up charcoal and a couple of other things I didn't get yesterday.  I also need to clean the grill so I will probably have to shower twice, which is not good when we are rationing water.   

Following my own drum

I never imagined that it would be so challenging to figure out what I truly want and keep all the noise out.  And I think that what I am going through right now is dealing with some disappointment.  Since I was a teenager, I've written about setting my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed but I have never really mastered it at all.

I have all this wisdom that I have gathered through an exciting life.  And yet, I feel stuck.  Part of it is milestone.  A whole year has passed and I don't seem to be where I thought I would be.  It could be that I am being too hard on myself, which is something I have mastered.  This week has been one of introspection rather than action.

Last year at this time, I was back from Istanbul thinking the pain in my left side was some bad stomach virus.  When in reality, it was an outbreak of some nasty bout of shingles.   It hit me right between the eyes and totally paralyzed me.  Since then, I have made some very important changes in my life.  But not as many as I would have liked.  I want a better health regime.  I want more energy to be out there and less hibernation.  I want an idea of what's next.  I want to make more of a difference.

At dinner on Wednesday in the city, Am told me that she doesn't see me going back to my current job. We made a bet. They both told me that I am not what they think of as a corporate animal.  And how relieved they were when they met me in December that I had a sense of humor and perspective.  It was good to see them and that they are doing so well.  It just shows us that it's always good to get out of a bad situation with abusive assholes.

And yet, I don't feel that it's enough.  I want so much more.

Getting back on track

I was just thinking in the shower about my level of stress and tolerance.  I definitely need to make yoga a priority as I need to learn how not to be so affected by people.   Being sick so often recently is scaring me.  I need to get my health back and that means reducing my overall stress.  I think the two are so connected.  I got an email from Karen about Steve's memorial and we started corresponding.  In one email she just spelled it out: stress kills or in her words: "Stress is the #1 killer- causing alllll sorts of disease so the advice to you is GETTTT OUTTA a toxic environment! "

I think I am expecting myself to be 100% better right now but I am still sick.  I can't keep pushing myself.  I need to take the time to rest and heal.  I want to do good but not at the expense of my own health.  I am tired of everyone else's agendas and that's what I am reacting to this Sunday morning.  I need to focus on simplicity.

Yesterday, while I was not feeling 100% I moved some of my blog entries to this blog.  It was mostly from April-August 2007.  Wow, it brought back so many memories and I can't believe a whole year has passed since I came down with shingles.   It made me realize that I need to focus on today and tomorrow and get back to finding my way.   The last 5 months were not at all what I expected.  And ironically, I still don't have a routine.

Why do I do this?

So I signed up for a dinner and I will need to get dressed soon and go. I am going to be positive that I will meet really fun and interesting people who have exciting and happy lives. And then I wake up and look at myself and say: "what the hell was I thinking?"

My shingles are really bothering me today and hopefully they are not trying to also ask me this question.
When I went for my lunch meeting, I saw this small blue plastic ball with ridges by my car and I was puzzled at how it got there. When I got back, I saw a whole bunch of them in the pond. So I took the pool pole and fished about 100 black and blue spiked balls out of the pond. How did they get there? Who put them there? Very strange. I am not on the street so someone would need to come up here and do this on purpose. Freaks me out a bit. I left them next to the pond so Mike can look at them and tell me what he thinks. A mystery.

I've gained weight so getting dressed in this heat is not appealing to me at all. But the clock is ticking and I need to leave the house in 12 minutes to get there on time.

Just got home and another total non-event. I was actually the last one there and a whole 4 minutes late. What can I say? There was a group of cute guys whose table would have been fun to join. One even looked me over!
So there were 6 people this time:

Mark who has worked for the Coast Guard for 22 years and is trying to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up ... he has 8 more years before he can cash in. He was very nice but geeky.

Bill who was cute but shy and very feminine. He works in IT for an insurance company. He sat across from me so I didn't really get a chance to talk to him. He kept smiling at me

And OMG, John, who was so obnoxious. He was a court reporter who sold his house and loves not having any roots

Kathy was very quiet. She introduced herself as a CPA with a daughter

Mary told us that she one more week in a marketing communication role with a financial services institution. She has 2 teenagers and has to sell their home and doesn't know what she'll do ... John jumped in right away with investment tips that took about 15 minutes. I think we all felt bad for Mary but it was odd ... maybe this attracts a guy? and then there was me ... can I say more?

I took a deep breath and hoped the next 90 minutes will be bearable. I seemed to be of interest to the guys who were questioning me about where I've lived, my job, my travel, etc. I tried to bring it back to the other women, especially since I had zero interest in any of them. I had a tomato dinner theme. I started with the gazpacho and then the heirloom tomato and mozarella tower. I was the odd ball as the rest either had meat loaf, pot roast or penne pasta (3 orders). They all commented that my tower looked like a burger and I was just missing the bun. It was missing a lot more. I just kept thinking about how I made a child's wish come true through the silent auction and that the rest doesn't matter.

So I need some advice, should I keep doing this? I feel like such a freakin snob but I have so little in common, so far, with the people I've met and it's starting to get annoying rather than funny. There has not been 1 person that I want to even hang out with.

They just want to medicate us

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly

- Henri Bergson

I ended up in Urgent Care today and the doctor totally contradicted my doctor and wanted to medicate me to death. I spent hours trying to decide if I was going to follow his advice and decided against it, despite the pain. I am going to get better by decreasing stress and taking excellent care of myself. There is no way I will be taking 600 mg of pain drugs a day that will make me stupid and fat. Not an option.

Shingles come back

I am really disappointed. I was going to visit Marilyn today at her home and I woke up feeling awful. Yesterday was bizarre. I had a lot of pain along the nerve and it was also frustrating. I am ready to be better. I want to move forward. I ended up taking an ambien to sleep. I slept but now, I feel awful and I am scared of driving such a long distance in this condition.
Celebrity, Woody Allen's movie is on the background, I am watching a random scene where Judy Davis shows up to ask for sexual advice especially around new techniques. When Bebe Neuwirth asks Judy Davis whether she enjoys giving a blow job, her response is "I think so but I am usually thinking about the Crucifixion." Than Bebe asks her to demonstrate on a banana and almost bites into it. It made me laugh. I am feeling so frustrated right now so a laugh is good.
It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I am just going to crawl back to bed. When will I feel better? When do I get to turn the corner? My back is killing and the stabbing nerve pain is here ... I will need to call the advice nurse later as I can't find anything on the Internet. I was thinking that I was getting better. I don't get it ... maybe the stress of work is related? or maybe it's the fact that my divorce lawyer is so awful. I am so tired of having to chase everyone and keep on top of it all.

United 954 SFO to LHR Seat 2J

I want to learn more about how to write good descriptions so people feel they are there with me. Here is one I can learn from: " He looks like he is in his 50s, but walks like he's lived a few centuries longer than that. He's got white hair, and a plaid shirt. Wide shoulders and giant hands that look like he could do some damage but a totally relaxed face." Elizabeth Gilbert You are what you think. Your emotions are slaves to your thoughts and you are the slave to your emotions. It used to be about quantity: how many books could I read in a week, how much can I do in a day and so it went everything being about speed. It was life was one big competition and the prize was how much I can get done in the most efficient and quick way. Could it be embarrassing how few books I am reading these days? No, it's about my eye sight and also my priorities. I am spending more time breathing and just thinking.
I know I should not be flying today and I hear a few of my friends saying "I told you so." But this doesn't really happen now that I am on the plane. I took a vicodin since we pulled away from the gate and the stabbing pain setting in. I almost jumped out of my seat. Now, I am just numb and grateful. I am feeling stupid that I wore a shirt with 5% spandex as I just wanted to rip it off. It hurt so much. I must have anticipated it because at the last minute, before leaving the house, I shoved a black 100% cotton t-shirt in my computer bag. It was above my head in the overhead bin. It was so close but so far. The seat belt light was lit and we were just sitting on the tarmac. When were we going to take off so I could make a run to the bathroom and change shirts? The new cool Allen & Allen shirt was a bad choice. The fact that the plane has yet to take off was surreal. I rolled the t-shirt as high as I could and pulled the blanket over it.
The pilot finally decided to communicate with us. How novel! Apparently the back up fuel panel was not working and they had to pull back into the gate and get some engineers on board to fix it. I didn't care. I opened the overhead bin (no items had shifted), grabbed the t-shirt and ran to the bathroom. I breathed a sigh of relief when I came out with my new shirt. Shingles pain is deadly.
It's 8:50 pm PDT and we are just pulling out of the gate for the second time. It's a gorgeous night. I love flying at night. There is something so magical about the blue sky and the lights shining. I'm having deja vu though -- we are sitting at the same spot we were 2 hours ago when we pulled out of the gate the first time. I hope it's just the drugs!
There is a very cute guy sitting 2 seats across from me. He has the biggest band aid I have ever seen on the left side of his head. I noticed him earlier in the lounge but only now do I see that wedding band on his left hand. That's ok. All he seems to do is work.
We are finally taking off! Can't wait to hear the magic words so I can make my seat a bit comfortable: "it is now safe to move about the cabin."

Can't wait to be back home

I have to write quickly as I need to power down and pack my laptop. I can't believe I am going. I am dizzy and not feeling great. I hope I can sleep on the plane ... I just picked up a lower dosage Vicodin type pain killer but not sure if I will take it. I just want to get home already.
I wrote the first draft of my review and put in a transition in 6 months. I actually have a plan to get out of this crazy job.
I am quite shocked but I got my boss his slides. I didn't think I would get it done but I've been super productive today, even squeezing in a workout in the pool. I have to lose 10 pounds. I feel so gross. My pants don't fit and that's not always good especially in the summer.
I lost it yesterday when I got the 32-page document faxed from my attorney. JD is an asshole and that is why I am not with him. Anyhow, I am better today. I have to go ... off to see the Queen or at least Heathrow!

One big blur

So this week is one big blur because I was so high on the meds for pain management. I am still a bit foggy now but not as disoriented as I have been. It's been so strange since until today, I've had the same level of nerve pain BUT I was so high that I didn't concentrate on it. It was quite strange. And I was so distressed yesterday that I called the doctor and she told me the meds might take a week to set in ... I couldn't believe it. She prescribed some lower dosage drugs for next week. I also can't believe that she told me I could fly to London for meetings and wouldn't give me a note. So, here I am, flying again on Saturday with meetings from Monday to Thursday.
Owwww ... here is the pesky pain again. I can't describe it apart from feeling like stabbing needles. One can lose their mind. I should probably take more meds but I am insane. I got a call about a dinner tonight and I am going. So I am drinking Red Bull and Vitamin water to stay awake and need to flatten my hair and find something to wear. It's 102 out there.
The good news is that I am allowed to swim and I've gone twice since I saw the doctor on Monday. I probably would have been in the water every day if I didn't get my period on Monday afternoon. When I get back, I am planning on working out in the pool every day. It's also so great to just float out there, look at the blue sky and beautiful plants. I am so lucky!!!
Anyhow, time to get ready ... will post the latest ...

Postherpetic Neuralgia

Postherpetic Neuralgia is Pain After Shingles ... will the fun ever end?

Turning the corner

So what can possibly be worse than having shingles (I know it could be a lot worse and I am lucky it's not terminal)? Well, let me tell you since I discovered it this week ... shingles + PMDD. Not only was I in pain but I would start crying and sobbing for no reason all week. When I came back to my senses, I realized that my period was coming. And then, my next crisis was the thought of having anything touching my waist (I've been wearing a dress). Anyhow, lots and lots of fun. The good news is that I am starting to get better. The nerve area still hurts and I am not sleeping great but my energy is coming back and that is so exciting. The dilemma now is how to keep my stress level down. Nothing is worth this pain. I will have to keep that thought fresh in my mind.
And then on Thursday night, my phone rang and it was the dinner coordinator inviting me to a dinner on Friday night. She needed a third woman and said she had 3 great men. They were all over 6 feet tall and they were younger ... 41, 42 and 44. Just my luck. I wasn't ready to go out and meet great men because of the piercing nerve pain. Hopefully, she can bring them together again for me soon?
Sheila came by today and we hung out in the backyard, which was so fun. We even sat at the edge of the pool and dangled our feet in the cool, crisp water. I can't wait to get back to my pool workout regime and it will be fun to do it with friends. It was so gorgeous out and I love all the birds who decide to hang out with me. It's so tranquil back there and I am enjoying the beauty of where I live.
I am lucky to have great friends and it doesn't matter that not all of the live close to me. Having lived in so many places, my friends are scattered around the world. It's nice but one of the changes I want to make is to get a local job that will keep me home so I can have a community of friends also nearby. I can't go hang out with my friend in Barcelona, Athens, Tel Aviv or London on a weekend. The nice part is that some times I don't see friends for a long time but the next time we meet, it seems like just yesterday. That is truly a gift.

Speaking of friends, my friend Lesley struck again this week by writing this to me:
You'll never be stress free. Your standards are inspiring. You remind of Oprah ... except in that I love your personality and you aren't arrogant. I mean in brains and inspiration and standards. You should get a hold of Stedman.
I am only posting this on my blog because it came at such a great time. I was really down on myself and hearing this from a friend who I have been in touch with but have not seen in such a long time, meant the world to me. Some times I get so down on myself that I don't realize that friends see what I don't.
I have to go find something to wear to meet Amy for sushi and a play ... it's a big night for me to go out and wear clothes!!

The world of dog parks is all about sniffing

I finally left the house today. I am still not back to normal but I am not giving into the pain. It was  fun to be able to move around but driving is still hard. And just being out for a few hours totally exhausted me.
Amy and I took Rylee to the dog park in Pleasant Hill and it was such an experience. First of all, there is a small dog and big dog segregation, which makes total sense. As you walk through the gate, all these small dogs come at your dog ready to sniff every part of her. For a shy dog, it can be a bit overwhelming. A few hours in the dog park and you learn so much about dogs and their owners. We ran into two interesting owners. The first was a nice guy in his early 30s who was dog sitting his 2 dogs. When he moved to the city, his friends adopted his 2 dogs and when they go out of town, he takes care of them. Zeus looked like he could be Lucy's brother (Sheila's dog). When Sheila comes back to town from her business trip, I'll suggest a joint outing with Lucy and Rylee at the dog park. I've been meaning to join Sheila and Lucy for the Friday wine and cheese dog park in Alamo. I can now see why people do this.
I've never had my own kids but the conversations at the dog park are probably very similar to the ones happening at parks where parents talk about their children. A woman in her 60s wearing blue terry sweats and a large red fanny pack approached every dog owner in conversation. She was absolutely adorable and totally clueless of what her dog was up to. It was very sweet.

This past week, I've added posts that were recorded in several notebooks from 2005 and 2006. It has been emotional to go back to some of the experiences but I am happy they are now in one place. The bottom line is that I've come a very long way since then.
Being so sick this week has made me realize that I want to make some major changes in my life. I want a job that enables me to live and have a community here. Since success is no longer equated with work, I need to put my foot down and make the change.

There are no mistakes, just life experiences

No one can ever describe the pain of shingles. I just spent an hour surfing the web for some help and insight. I thought I was doing better but the pain tonight has been unbearable. I don't want to complain but I so want to be better. It's not easy for me to be home and not able to function normally. I am just hoping that a pain free existence is really around the corner for me.

NO BBQ Cooking Class with Great Men Tonight :-(

I am so bummed because I am in too much pain to go to the BBQ cooking class I signed up for tonight and I was actually looking forward to it. And it wasn't because of all the potential hot men I could have met but because this was the first event that caught my interest. But what's a girl to do? The key now is to get healthy. As a friend told me on Sunday: "You only have one body, you can always get another job. You need to take care of yourself first." I think I mentioned that despite the note from the doctor, I am still doing some work. This is so painful; no one can ever describe it to you and hopefully, you will never have to experience it. Here is what I feel I am missing tonight:
Join us this evening for the ever-popular BBQ Cooking class! With summer just around the corner, we will spend this evening learning new techniques for summertime cooking! This class is always a blast, and a great way to get a hands on approach to cooking! You don't want to miss this! Your cost includes: hands on cooking class and professional instruction, private use of kitchen facilities, 2 glasses of wine and a full dinner following the class...that you made!
Did you know that there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV right now? It's all because I am in so much pain that I can't pay attention to reading a book and I've gone through a stack of magazines. With all the channels out there, I am still struggling to find anything to keep my attention. Last night, I watched the ex-wives show. It was soooo incredibly BAD. And then, there were all these commercials for additional idiotic reality shows soon to be released on a TV near you. Who actually watches all these shows? And the biggest news item on the local news is these 2 wayward whales who I feel very bad for but there are so many other social interest stories out there that do not get any coverage. It's absolutely fascinating to see how much coverage these whales are getting!
I am sticking to my DVDs of the British Office series and my favorite all time new series, Weeds. It puts all these other shows to absolute shame. I will let you know if I find anything else ... stay tuned

watching the grass grow

OMG, I am not good at being sick. I actually suck. Thank goodness this too shall pass, otherwise I'd simply go totally insane. I want to throw some clothes on and go out ... just do something ... instead of giving all my energy to not scratching. The highlight right now is being able to take a shower and taking my book out later for a reading in the shade. I do love my backyard but I am dying to jump in the pool, which is not an option right now. Today, would have been an excellent day for a party. But I just need to get rid of these annoying blisters. It's like a cleansing by getting rid of all these toxins. I quit taking the Vicodin 2 days ago because it was making me nutty. My friend Amy (I decided I am going to start naming good friends here unless they tell me off for doing so. But I will change all names for the dating scene) told me that I was so spaced out that I kept repeating myself and commenting on the colors of the flowers in the backyard. I don't like taking drugs because they always create side effects and then you have to take 5 new drugs to counter them. So what's the point? I am sticking to the anti-viral ... 2.5 more days and I will be done with them. I think I got the doctor in the first 72 hours so I am very lucky. I know how lucky I am! The advice nurse told me that I will be allowed out of the house ... I can't wait!!!! I need to make some changes with my life soon.

I am not sure why I am having dreams about Mr. Asshole. I am so ready to be done with him and never have another, single thought, ever again. I am such a different person today and don't want anyone that sick in my life again. Love does not conquer all and it does not protect you against losers and pathological liars. I feel sorry for his daughter for having to have this sicko in her life; I can simply divorce him and at some point, it will all be over. This is not a scene in his book; there will be an end very soon. He will either accept my offer or a judge will decide it in court. It has already dragged on so long. It's unbelievable since we were married such a short time and had no kids, pets or plants together. But he is angry and thinks he is getting "revenge" on me. He has no clue that every single day, I say my thanks and gratitude for him being gone. The last few years of living with him were a pure nightmare and I am thankful for my peace of mind and my space. I realized how I grew up with the notion that men are strong and that is so wrong and untrue.

When I found out that despite countless verbal and written promises, he wanted money from me, it made me furious. But I care less and less every day. It doesn't matter because he doesn't matter and soon he will be totally gone. I have been toying with writing a book called Sperm Donor Gone Bad since this is part of what happened in real life. I hope he will get his crap out of my garage by August 1st and I will be DONE!

I have a great line from Stephanie Klein to share: "when I agreed to marry him, I gave him the wrong finger."