Pursuing Adventures

Openings and Closings

Relationships are fragile and for me, transparency is key with people I am close to. This is about my disappointment with G because I checked my work email while I was on vacation. My bad. I thought writing about it would help me understand my reaction.

I try to treat people as I would like to be treated. But when I feel someone has crossed a line, I shut down. G will have to do a lot to ever regain my trust and friendship. She made a choice that she may believe is in her best interest but it has shut the door with me.

We need to be cognizant of boundaries -- not just our own but those of others.

Sometimes when someone crosses the line, they need to focus on their new destination and leave the past behind.

No one gives us the rule book but with life experience, we should have sufficient common sense to navigate the fragile threads that bind us to each other.

It comes down this: I despise games and value honesty. There is little time for manipulation.

Be straight -- even if it hurts.

Where G went astray is when she asked me if she could interview for another position and made some lame excuses, which I called her on. She was not honest. And by talking about it, she told me that she had already interviewed. I would have supported her but the way she did it hurt.

Her new life awaits her. I understand her rationale but her approach was uninspiring and dishonest. That is the crux of it and I need to get over myself on this issue.

What's next for me? How much longer at the insane asylum that is supporting my chosen lifestyle?

Maybe I need to write a business book first that will fund my lifestyle?

 

Mornings

I love waking up on a Saturday morning in my own bed, and since next week I won't be here, I am enjoying being home.  It's raining and gray outside but my garden looks vibrant as it soaks in all the water coming from the skies.  I've noticed more birds in my backyard and they warm my heart.

I made a decision that I want to make some changes in 2011 and I put it in motion yesterday.   When I was asked at lunch where I see myself, my answer was helping people.  My life usually just happens.  When I hope for something too much, it usually does not materialize.   I am hoping to clear my mind in Costa Rica.  I need to clear all the thoughts and emotions clogging me right now.

Some high level thoughts for this year:

• Be part of a community that unleashes my creativity and desire to make a difference in the world
• Work at a company that values what I bring and compensates me with interesting work and an ability to retire early
• Take more time off and explore the world
• Go back to Africa
• Spend more time with friends, wherever they are in the world
• Get clairty on what's next
• Write and share more
• Going on a cooking retreat

Now, for some more wonderful coffee and a Netflix movie streaming on my new Apple TV ... of course, a foreign film ...

The numbers game

Where does our society's obsession come from when it comes to constantly using numbers to rate ourselves against others?  I think it is ingrained into the education system and sticks with us all of our lives.

Does self worth really come from numbers?  Wow, look at them: they have x thousand/million followers on Twitter, x friends on Facebook, x contacts on LinkedIn, etc.  They are listed as the top X influencers in X.  We are absolutely haunted by numbers as a way to measure self worth and it is so wrong.

It makes people feel worthy and worthless at the same time.  And in my books, feelings of worthlessness are very sad indeed if measured by any benign statistic.  

I am at a point of my life where I achieved much and my quest today is to really figure out what I want to do to make an impact with people - not as a statistic or "hero" but as an average human being wanting to make a difference.  I used to think I can do it by writing and trying to reach out to people as a way to connect.

I still firmly believe that a sense of community is key and in our statistics driven society, we lose focus on what is truly important by constantly trying to stand up.  And the irony is that the people who lead the numbers games create a false reality for those who don't: they are not much happier than the rest.  They just can gloat about their external, superficial ranking.

What are you doing today to bring some joy into your life?   How are you tapped into a community that supports who you are?  What can we all do differently to get our slice of personal worth?

Sleep escapes me

It's been ages since I have actually slept through the entire night.   This summer there have not been a lot of great movies to see.  I think I saw four really bad ones in a row.  That's why seeing Farewell was such a treat.  And not surprisingly, it is a foreign film.  

And here is a thought for this week.  It is time to simply move on, focus on my gains and not my losses.  Focus on what's possible, not impossible.  The bottom line is getting rid of certain memories means making room for new experiences and adventures.  Life is here to be lived; not pondered.

Authenticity counts

I made a decision that changes the course of my life and I need to manage my expectations around it.  It has been interesting week since I was surprised at how many people were effected by my job change.  I had one guy tell me that he is really disappointed since I was one of the few people who looked at business integration.   When you work from home and alone, you have no idea that people care.  But, all of a sudden, when you leave on your own terms, people come out of the woodwork.  It's like everyone who says great stuff about the person when he/she gets buried and yet, they never knew any of it when they were alive.  Human nature is so complex.

I have to say that I have been really touched as this has been a very tough year of ups and downs.  The highs were high and the lows sucked.  The inconsistency was driving me crazy and the daily battles against the system were draining.  The worst part were the people who cared more about their programs and campaigns than the people.  

And the irony is that one of those people now is IMing and wants to get together since I am in the position of power in my new role.   I can't stand fake people.   The minute someone starts playing games with me, I check out.   And when I am done, I am done because I've been hurt and saw the person's real face.   There is no way in hell that I will give her the time of day in my new role.  And the lack of authenticity turns my stomach.   Had she been good to me all along, then we would have a relationship that we can continue to build.  But since she is a "user," there is no relationship and lip service is all she will get from me and I am more than happy to share my truth, if asked.  That's all it takes.

Rollercoasters

I should be sleeping but I am wide awake and feeling rotten. This past year of work has been a disappointment and in less than 5 hours I am going to tell my boss that I am leaving for another job, where I hope they will care and challenge me.  I may also be PMDDing but feeling raw and angry.  I know I need to manage it before I meet with him.Then, on Twitter I clicked on the HBR link and this said it all:

Traditional leaders see the employee-boss relationship as a transaction: money in exchange for labor. Transformational leaders know and recognize that employees want much more than that. Here are the four things your people need to succeed:

1. Love. This may sound touchy-feely, but love simply means focused concern that is exclusively for that person's good. Show your employees you care about them and their futures.
2. Growth. No one wants to be exactly where they are forever. Create a culture that allows your people to grow and expand.
3. Contribution. To feel fulfilled, employees must know that they are contributing to the whole. Emphasize the ways that their work matters to the organization.
4. Meaning. We are meaning-seeking creatures. Share a vision that demonstrates that all of your employees are engaged in a larger purpose.

They threw me into this role with no support and it has been a rollercoaster ride.   I am so looking forward to working for someone I respect and being part of a team again.  I just want to have this conversation over with and move on.  Being bitter and angry never really helps at the end of the day but all these emotions are bubbling in me.  Will anyone even notice that I am gone?

Moving On and Looking Forward

Today is an important day that could change my life and this is good advice

Learn to quietly (but firmly) close the doors to rooms that you aren't coming back to -- let the past stay where it belongs. You're on the brink of something new, and there's just no need to drag the carcasses of dead and buried situations into them. Let yourself start fresh, and try to see all the possibilities of this brand-new moment. If you're embarking on a new relationship, it's crucial to stay centered in the moment.

And now to fight this jet lag with sleep ....

Adventures ...

I am finally packed.  Probably took too much crap but it is 3 weeks of road warrior stuff.  I am just sitting here, having some toast, listening to David Broza belt out some great words and guitar, while my photos flash on my Apple TV.  The next time I sit here, I will be uploading new photos of my adventures.

What am I doing this weekend?  Flying.  SFO --> Chicago --> Brussels --> Burundi --> Nairobi ... I will get there on Sunday night and am apparently doing an all hands with all the employees at 11 am on Monday.  I have plenty of time to think on the planes, especially since I could not get my hands on a 3G iPAD so no distractions for me.  It will come.

I am looking forward to this trip.  Africa.  I have been doing so much work on it in the past three years and now I get to go there and listen and learn.  How cool is that?

And then I get to hang out in Barcelona, one of my favorite places on this earth!  with great friends!!!!

I'll stop there since after that it's all back to work with HQ people who I try to allow to drive me crazy less and less.  Now, that is my 2010 goal: sanity and keeping away from morons.

Must get dressed now ... more from the road ...

. “Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

Possibilities

“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” Jamie Paolinetti quotes

Need to dream more about what is possible and not let the limits of the box stifle my imagination and creativity.   Right now the shackles of the corporate world is wanting to cash out with some financial gain for all the blood, sweat and tears.  Is that actually limiting what is possible?

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key.  ~The Eagles

Year of the Tiger

RABBIT (Born 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999) 

A hectic year for you, Rabbit, but if you overcome your tendency to feel harassed and get disappointed when things don't appear to immediately work out in your favour, you will accomplish a lot. Expect to help many people and be helped in return beyond your expectations… this is a lucky year for you and all areas of your life will grow and thrive. 

Best Tip for Health: Avoid feeling tired by ensuring you get enough rest and relax with activities that inspire you 

Best Tip for Love: A work-related event will bring a romance opportunity in late summer 

Best Tip for Money: A job promotion and chances to shine will be offered throughout the year- jump at the chance to improve your status 

Choosing a Dream For 2010

Just had dinner at one of my favorite places in the world and I was alone.  I had a great evening too!  I am reading Shadow of the Wind, which Claire introduced me too, and it kept me good company.  I only had an African Sky cocktail and glass of Rijoa with edamame for lunch so I was ready for a feast.  And what a feast it was.  I started with some hamaci and maguro nigri, which melted in my mouth. 

It was followed by  grilled Japanese eggplant, which was like candy, and grilled seabass.  The flavors were amazing and I enjoyed every bite.  Yum!  I enjoyed it because I knew it was a treat and I was grateful I could afford it.

Happiness is not all about money and economic and financial growth. But money does help meet needs that we choose for ourselves.  I was watching the sous chef tonight.  His precision was incredible.  He took a persimmon , sliced it and then trimmed the areas with the peel.  He didn't peel it.  He cut off edible areas.  Peeling would have taken too long.  I just imagined how much waste takes place to feed the wealthy.

So here are some of my goals for this year:

1. Health: start an exercise program, get a physical, address weight and fitness levels
2. Relationships: invest in valuable relationships, create greater community
3. Career: make changes, do what I love and get paid for it
4. Community: get involved in a community project and make an impact
5. Personal: Write
6. Fun Time: Cooking vacation, oceans, tranquility, adventures
7. Financial: increase pay by 20%

Thick skin

This week is all about breathing.  I got to the UK yesterday and am starting to remember why I want changes so badly.  I am ready to be in a role where I am the expert and not the facilitator. 

I just had a good call with a colleague in Dubai where I shared with him that we are in control and no one is holding anything over us so let's not get sucked into the vortex.  I just want to get through the next few days and sit pretty until I can figure out my game plan.

As the economy improves, we are in for some interesting times.  Everyone who has shut down during the holidays has told me that it is so hard to come back.  I so agree.   Life should be fulfilling and that is what many of us are seeking today.   I know I am.  And when I see these inflated egos walking the hall, I remind myself that I cannot allow myself to give them any power.

I need to breath and sail through these situations to get to a peaceful place where I am appreciated for what I bring to the table.

Hungry for simplicity

I must start focusing more on me and what I want to do with my life.  I need to get some clarity soon and I had hoped that getting away would have helped me get there.  But so far it hasn't at all and I am feeling more frustrated than I have in a long time.  This is how I am starting 2010 with unanswered questions.

I feel so ambivalent right now.  I need to start taking better care of myself and what I want and need.   I need to get back on my road.  I have been so exhausted and my batteries have been very low that I need a recharge.

I haven't thought about work and I am really not looking forward to next week.  I wish I was going home.

Thinking I need a plan

I need to get up and get ready to go to the city and then head to wine country.

But I am just lying in bed thinking that I need a plan or time will just keep passing by.  I need to come up with a list of what I want to do in my next 4 years.  I need to be very concrete.  Otherwise time just keeps going by and I want to fill this feeling of isolation.

I want to get back to my plan of living out loud.  I took a wrong turn and need to find my way back.

And here we are in 2009

It's a new year.  A milestone that we celebrate.  This year many people have been looking forward to getting away from 2008 and moving forward to better times.  It will take some time for us to get there.  January will be full of inauguration news of hope and new beginnings. And, also from everything I am reading and hearing, there will be many cuts.  It willl take some time.  We need patience and hope the psychology of people will shift and we'll turn the corner soon.  So much is tied to perceptions and people's actions.

I am still at the St. Regis.  Tina just left and I need to finish packing and go pick up my car from the dealership.   Part of me wants to stay and play in the city and the other wants to head home.   It was disturbing to have my alarm go off at 12:08 am on 1/1/09.  The police said everything is ok but I need to see it myself.  So I am going to get off my ass and get moving.

I can so use another week of vacation.  I have no desire to get back to the insanity on Monday.