Pursuing Adventures

Life Changes

Reading some of my old posts is fascinating and I find it so healthy to go back and learn about myself. I can see things today that were weighing me down before.

It has now been a year since I quit my job and 9 months since it has been official. I have spent this time:

• Healing - both physically and emotionally
• Failing fast at a start-up with crazy founders
• Enjoying time with friends
• Being lost for a bit
• Feeling disgusted with how big business works
• Realizing that all I want is a way to make a living so I can write
• Learning that I need help in getting my body back and that it takes hard work
• Allowing myself to feel

Trust

Trust is so fragile. You let people into your life. You never see their true face often because 1) you choose not look at it or 2) they have perfected their ability to hide it.

But when you either decide to look at it or they drop their mask and the truth is staring you right between the eyes, look and decide.

For me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But if you cross the line, I am done. And rebuilding the trust is usually not an option.

Why Fairytales Are Not for Kids

“So you’re six years old, you’re reading ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,’ and it becomes rapidly obvious that there are only two kinds of men in the world: dwarves and Prince Charmings. And the odds are seven to one against your finding the prince.”

Emily LevineEmily Levine's theory of everything

Closing the door

The last six months have been a journey to end a chapter in my life. I am very excited about starting to open many new windows. It's all in our hands. We have to learn to decrease the noise.

Last year, a "friend" told me that she may have to move back to Iran if she doesn't find a job as both her sons were going to be out of the house. My friends and family often accuse me of having a big heart and my friend in Kenya has told me that "I am too nice." And yes, I did let her in and stay with me.

It turned out to be a disaster. You'd think that after my divorce to anarcissist, I would easily recognize the traits.  But no. They were hidden by a massive passive aggressiveness and victimization. For the last 6 months, I had one of the most negative, self-absorbed and careless people in my home. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not. It was a great experience for me to be clear about my boundaries. Victims wil be victims. I stood up for my needs and while it was uncharacteristic for me, it prepared me for dealing with boundaries at work. I am done being taken for granted and being with people who just take. It was a horrible experience being again faced with someone who was 100% about them. 

Here are the emails after she FINALLY moved out - watch out for the victim mentality ...

Me: I am shocked that you never told me that you damaged the sink in my
brand new bathroom and the rust your items created on the window,
which I now have to repaint. Can you please let me know what caused
the crack as it is very deep and if you plan to pay for its
replacement. I won't even mention the rest of the stuff that I found
but these are the ones that are really upsetting me.

What I didn't say: I found a rotting banana peel in between my stuff in the garage. Who doesn't throw out their garbage?

L:I have no idea how the sink was cracked.  I thought it was cracked before I had moved in.  That's why I didn't mention anything. Eventhough I have not caused it, I'll be glad to pay for it.   I have no idea what rust you are tallking about.  I was planning to come back and clean up.  However, under the circumstances it was next to impossible.  It would be nice to stop hammering me so much.  I really don't deserve this.

Me: The sink was not cracked before you moved in and as usual, you do not
take any accountability for what you do. This constant focus on you
and your needs is consistent with everything that I experienced with
you.  I am tired of your excuses - you left a gas burner on in my
house  - I trusted you and I could have lost my home and there is so
much more. Let's just say our goodbyes and move on. I don't deserve the way you
treated me as well and I am just glad it's all over. I will take care
of the damage you caused. Please don't contact me again.

L: I agree that's for the  best.  In my lifetime, nobody had treated me the way you did during the past few months. In fact, not that many [people are capable of treating others this way.   All kinds of insults, unjust accusations and  finger pointing. I didn't want to say anything or react and I am glad I didn't.   Filtering all that, I astill thank you and wish you the best     Good bye 

The END - Moving on to positive people who know how to give and be true to their words.

Boundaries

Since I got home, i have been dealing with boundaries and one area I have been thinking a lot about is how I put my needs first. Although I was brought up to help people, I need to help myself first.

Today I woke up in a fog. Last week was hell and I have not caught up on my sleep since I landed in SF at 11 pm on Friday. I am happy to have today off to focus on me.

I am definitely getting rid of people who just take. And I need to learn to go faster since many of these people will take as nuch as they can get.

They have no boundaries for taking so I am putting my own up.

Time

All we have is time. Take time for you. Invest in knowing yourself and what you want. Move away from what was drilled into your brain about what you are supposed to do.

Create your own rules and never let anyone get in your way. If you keep encountering the same roadblock, bad relationship or stressful work situation then there is a lesson you have yet to learn. Take the precious time, dig deep inside and break the pattern.

There is no destination. Just a series of life lessons. Cherish time and be very present. Focus on what is possible for you.

I have witnessed

Too many men in speedos

Too many man boobs

Too many pedophiles

My love: the big blue ocean

This is truly a milestone. I am just feeling happy and alive right now. I have shed a lot of the preconceptions i grew up where certain actions were labeled as right or wrong. I don't care.

People can judge and they do but almost everyone battles with their own demons. As i was sitting at the ocean at sunset, i was watching the sand crabs scurry along without having to stop their work for the humans. And they were working at a furious pace. I at quietly watching and thinking about survival.

And what really hit me is that since my divorce, I have gone through this journey where I fully decided that happiness is within reach. And every day, i shed the emotional weight. What's next is taking better care of my vessel and truly being able to get to the next level. It is not enough to work on the spirit, the time has come to tend to ghe body ... After this trip :)

Watching the Newlyweds

Breakfast again. It has not become routine. Went back to reading Aleph and it is very relevant right now:

"we always tend to value what comes from afar, never recognizing the beauty around us."

" i had allowed myself to be slowly poisoned by routine."

Lots of thoughtful reading poolside today.

There are many newlyweds here. One couple who arrived yesterday caught my attention. Today, they arrived with their Kindles and smartphones. They are eating without talking. Each reading their ebooks.

And how funny is it that today I was asked if I was feeling lonely being here on my own. I have learned over the last five years to more and more cherish my alone time. There is also nothing that i feel I am missing by not venturing outside my cocoon. It is why I chose this resort. I needed to go deep inside.

I don't have my answers but i am not sure what the questions were.

Life is Good

I don't need to find myself. I am right here. The waves are crashing across the shore and i am sitting like a princess under an enormous tree taking it all in. I feel at peace. I am not sure what transformation i was expecting to occur in Thailand.

I feel rested and energized. I find it funny that i am the only single guest at The Naka Island. The staff have stopped putting two place settings down for me and some are getting used to me. There was a new guy at the beach who wanted to set a towel on the second beach chair. The world is still programmed for couples. And i feel so good in my own skin.

Being a couple does not always make you happy. I was watching strained silences at the breakfast table.

There is no manual and so many people fall into the trap of what is expected of them. I watched a single woman last week turning on the charm around single men. It was important for her to be recognized and rewarded with flirtations.

Some may argue that i am cyncial. I just am. I don't care about fitting into predetermined boxes. I have spent the past five years smashing them over my head and never looking back.

Pursuit

I skimmed an article this morning that talked about how the key leadership ingredient that is pursuit. I so disagree, which is funny because I do strategy for a living.

Here’s the thing – pursuit leads to attainment. What you pursue will determine the paths you travel, the people you associate with, the character you develop, and ultimately, what you do or don’t achieve. Having a mindset focused on pursuit is so critical to leadership that lacking this one quality can sentence you to mediocrity or even obsolescence. The manner, method, and motivation behind any pursuit is what sets truly great leaders apart from the masses. If you want to become a great leader, become a great pursuer.

I was just having a splash in the pool and it hit me that we are too obsessed with goals and what's next. I forced myself to swim and run without thinking about how long it was or which end i would need to reach or how many laps did I swim. Goals are important but not as a way to live every day. They are good for a direction but the obsession with achievement is what i want to shed and leave behind.

Single in Paradise

Finally pulled myself out of my glorious villa, which was not easy at all. I could not have designed the layout villa better myself and will post some photos when i get back.

Arrived at the outdoor restaurant and my heart melted at sitting outside overlooking the blue ocean. I cannot wait to get in it. On the journey over here, i ran into a number of people on my flights and at airports that I am happy. I am. I feel truly blessed and i am also about to burst. Ther is so much i want to do. I know that i will figure it out and just start doing instead of thinking.

So here I am on Naka Island on my own and I feel so comfortable. They keep putting place settings down for two people; always assuming there is someone attched to me. I look around and it is all couples and families. Some of the men are with Asian women and some of thr women are with Asian men and the world is in harmony. Their children are so beautiful and I so wish for all of us to sinply be.

Sunrise in Phuket

Listening to roosters and birds very early in the morning in Phuket.  The rest of the gang is asleep and they must have had a wild time after I crashed as I found remnants of a drunken night with broken glass.   This is absolutely spectacular.  Not the broken glass but being here for a special friend's birthday.  

Most people spend their lives trying to escape instead of truly being present and available to the moment.  Our heads are filled, from a young age, with the notion that we must have goals and a purpose. Too many people spend their lives looking for themselves, not comrehending that they are right there.  No search required.  Just an ability to open their eyes and minds.

Life is short

"if you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love"

Perfect doesn't exist

You know all those celebrities who spend thousands to have perfect bodies, perfect teeth, perfect hair and perfect mates? Don't be jealous. Keep in mind that there's a huge industry invested in pointing out that they are just like us (pimples, junk food, divorces and all).And their photos all get touched up ...

In other words, perfect doesn't exist -- so why are you working so hard at it? Glitches, mistakes and missteps keep you in sync with everyone -- especially the people you love.

Embrace your imperfections!