Pursuing Adventures

Taking control

We are in control when we have our health and yet we let noise disrupt us.   It always happens in our connections and relationships -- work, family, life ... every aspect of it.   It used to be that as soon as we left the front door, the big world was out there.   We would get messages inside with TV, radio and telephone calls.  But now, the whole world is in our house.  I remember in the 1990s Faith Popcorn wrote a book about cocooning (The need to find a safe space to protect oneself from the harsh, unpredictable realities of the outside world) ... it was a revolutionary concept.  If she only knew where we were headed.  And, did she?

Here is what she is predicting for 2010? 

Remember at the end of “The Wizard of Oz” when Judy Garland says “There’s no place like home?”

Well in 2010 we’ll all be Wizard of Oz-ing, as a world turned upside down drives us inward. which is why, we predict the year of living local. Rejecting a war in Afghanistan we don’t understand, and welfare for Wall Street we can’t accept, we’ll be living like our 19th and early 20th-century forbearers: Focusing on our neighborhoods and communities, supporting those who support us. We’re tightening up, pulling in, reducing our radius.

Local Cocooning is an outgrowth of the dominant Trend of Icon Toppling. Despite signs of economic recovery, unprecedented unemployment and the continuing prosperity predictions from of our biggest financial institutions in the face of such suffering drive high levels of consumer skepticism.

Tweets, blogs, memberships and searches are all about finding community, predicated on common interest. Physical distance doesn’t matter—connections to the like minded does—why do you think we refer to those groups that aggregate online as “communities”. And even though it’s the “worldwide web”, it too, is looking local, as is much of media."

It's all becoming local ... and yet, the whole movement from individualism to community has yet to happen.  We need to bring down the white picket fences.

 

Home

I am so happy I am home instead of being on a plane today.  It's good to just sit in my surroundings and breath.   My head is spinning.  Kenya and Rwanda were an amazing experience that I need to write more about.  Barcelona feels like a dream.  And I survived London and ended it with a fun evening with friends.  And now I am back.  The sun is shining.  I had some fantastic loquats that I picked off my tree and the coffee was so good.  I need to go get some fresh food.  I want to eat healthy and get back into shape.  I have to focus on it and stick to it.

Then, there is food for the soul.   I need to get off my ass and make some change.   I need to take control and get going on some projects.  More about that later ...

Do you ever think about what you were doing one year from today and what has happened since that day?  I want to blog more since it helps remind me what I was up to ... and where I am today.

I got home from London last night and I am just doing NOTHING.  Yes, the laundry is going and I have to put my stuff back "in place" but I am just watching silly movies and breathing ... again.  It's good to be home.  It has been a crazy week.

Small successes

Ok so this is absolutely crazy.   I used to be really good with electronics.  My friends used to ask me to help set stuff up for them.  My first ex used to ask me to fix stuff around the house all the time.  But lately, I have been scared of dealing with it.

I have this time off work and my goal is to get organized.  My DVD player died a few weeks ago and when friends were over, I asked a favor to hook up my new DVD player.  My friend was happy to help me but did look sideways at me like, you should be able to do this.  I was appreciative and was enjoying watching my Netflix movies again.  But two days ago, the sound stopped working and when I played with the wires, it was a disaster.  I went on amazon and ordered a HDMI cable to get rid of all those old annoying cables.

Well, it arrived yesterday.  I took it out of the box and stared at it.  I breathed and told myself I can do this.   It's not as easy as you think as I have built in unit where all the wires go through these tiny wooden fixtures and you need some skill to navigate it all.  But I was confident and started pulling out the video components and crawling through the dusty back spaces.  I connected the new cable and voila, it was done.

One problem though happened.  I no longer had a connection between my TV and my cable box and I couldn't see my DVD :-(  I was frustrated and thought, see, you need help.  You're just not good at that stuff any more.  I went to my PC and looked for the number of a professional.   I left one a message but thought most people are off for the holiday.

I marched back in there and called Sony.  I figured it's their freaking product.  I got the most annoying customer service (an oxymoron) woman and we managed to set up a new way for me to see movies, which was great.  But, alas, there was still no TV.  Maybe that was a blessing in disguise?  After multiple attempts of turning stuff on and off and looking at the black and white waves on the TV, I simply thanked her and hung up on her.  

I took a deep breath and tried to figure it out.   I went behind the wall again and cleaned up the mess back there.  I then realized what the problem was and was back in business.  It felt so good.  I did it on my own.  A real sense of accomplishment.

So now on to setting up my router and IP phone ... wish me luck!

Proceed with Caution

This week will be a bit explosive since PMDD will hit as I get my period.  Emotions will rule this week and I need to be very careful.  The way I am feeling, I need to avoid two people and simply not engage with them at all.  It is so pointless since it doesn't matter.  I am done rolling a pea up a hill.  I may have to be "engaged" when they come back to town in a few weeks.   I don't want to waste any more time in my life.    I need to figure out how to deal with this situation in the most professional way for myself.   I think the best I can do to deal with assholes is try to ignore them and have a protective shell when I absolutely have to deal with them.

I had a huge deja vu last week.  Two women struggling with another abusive man during the week.  Tears, frustrations and emotions.   I tried to reach out and help them as much as I can.  I just got an email that showed that I did and it makes me so happy.  Maybe that's really my purpose this year?  I just can use an "abusive free" life.

So having coffee with some Swiss chocolate for breakfast today is something I forgive myself for.   I won't be doing it every day and I won't be suffering from PMDD for very long.  This too shall pass. 

I have to say that it's so great to be home.  I am so happy that I have no more trips scheduled this year.   I realized this trip that I have been frustrated that I have not created my community at home to the extent that I want.  But instead of beating myself up, I am just going to make it happen.

In the meantime, I need to get organized.  Finish unpacking, laundry and putting everything away.  I really want to go through my stuff and start giving what I don't use away since there are so many people struggling right now.  I just saw a news report on a woman who is trying to make ends meet with 5 jobs.  She struggles daily.  Puts it all in perspective.

Reflections on the eve of Yom Kippur

I have so much to be thankful for and as it being Yom Kippur, I am very reflective about my life and the last year.   Overall, it has been a good year since I made some very important changes.  But I can't gloss over the disappointments I've had, especially around my strong desire to do good in the world and being stifled in my ability to do it with the people I have been working with.

What I realized this morning is that in this New Year, I need to:

• Realize that when someone else is calling the shots, I can't be hard on myself.  I cannot beat myself up for someone else's limitations.  If they can't articulate what they want, it's not my fault if I don't meet their "needs"
• I need to visualize what I want and go for it.  I am feeling that I am wasting my time right now so what's next.  Make it happen to feel I am giving back
• Make sure to do due diligence around people I work with and listen to my gut.  Be done with drama kings and empty shells
• Never give anyone else your power
• Continue to cherish the amazing friends and family who are in my life.  Put myself and them first.  Create and enjoy great times

Living outside the box

What a gorgeous Sunday.  I need to do so much cause I am flying out at the crack of dawn in the morning in my first domestic flight to the East coast in 2 years!  I won't need to take my passport and foreign currency.  How very cool!!  I am trying to breath since I still have a ton of work to do, as well as laundry and packing.  It will all get done and be ok.  I am planning to do some work on the plane as well.

I went to see Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday and absolutely loved it.  I was laughing so hard as I could hear Woody Allen speaking through his main characters.   What I loved most is the questioning of the world we live in.   I didn't feel I was one of the characters.  But felt that the issues of self discovery are very similar to my journey.  One of the funniest scenes is when the crazy ex-wife (is she really crazy?) accuses her ex's lover of never being happy and spending her life always trying to find what she is looking for - whatever that would be.  How much of our life do we really spend unlearning all the bullshit that is put into our head?

I had a crazy idea of traveling and writing but who knows?   I better get back to living inside my box with my obligations for paying for this amazing house.  Going to take the afternoon off to hang by the pool with some amigas.

Back home and still thinking about life

I had such a great break this weekend in Bellagio.  Dinner on Sat. night was so insightful.   I met a woman who was at the conference who had the most amazing life story, including living through the political and social unrest in Argentia.  I was so inspired by our conversations.

Big learning this week: the people who get you are the people you want to be around. So stop wasting my energy trying to impress people who are not worth it. I am done with people who drain my energy.   I think common "agendas" are so key.

I started reading Infidel on my way home.  It totally humbled me to my core.  Ayaan Hasiri Ali has a lived a life full of unbelievable challenges.  She is younger than me.  We lived at the same time.  Compared to her life, my life has been charmed.  There is so much we take for granted.   The stories of her growing up are so painful.  It really gives freedom a different definition and makes me realize over and over how lucky we are when we have it.  Also, the freedom to be who were are without boundaries is a true gift.  I woke up in the middle of the night because of the jet lag and read about 20 pages.  It's heavy reading but incredibly insightful.

I still need to write about Young@Heart but need to shower and start working.  I have to start delivering stuff this week and focus.  So more later ... my treat will be to come back here and write!

Another day

A new day.  I lost the post I started yesterday since I had too many applications open and my Internet Explorer crashed.  Oh well.  It probably wasn't that important. 

Lucy woke me up at 4 am.  It was way too early and I managed to fall back asleep for a bit.  Although I had a dream that my patio furniture was floating in the pool.  She scared me a bit last night because she went under the bed.  I started googling to see what it meant.  Thank goodness for the Internet.  So I turned on the AC and once it cooled off, she came out.   And she is just her bubbly self although it's 7:49 am and she is fast asleep.  Sheila wasn't kidding, Lucy can sure change the air quality quickly.  She just farted and it absolutely stinks.   I guess it's her way to share the love! 

I am going to take her back today since Pete is coming home and she is going to go NUTS.  I left for the dentist yesterday and when I got back home, it was like she hadn't seen me in years.   She is really wonderful and funny.

So it's not 9:00 am yet and I got a bunch of work done and a few calls with London.  Now, I need to get something to eat and shift gears to focus on my other job.  But first some breakfast that I am going to eat in the backyard since it's gorgeous out.

The key is not to give my power away ... getting centered is key right now.

My Lucy Adventures

I have a house guest this week and it's a very different guest than I've ever had.  I am sleeping with this guest and it's so strange.  Her name is Lucy and she is the cutest Boston Terrier around.  Sheila and Pete are on a cruise and I've adopted Lucy while they are away.  I was only supposed to have her for the weekend but after talking to the dog walker on Monday,  I decided (with Sheila's consent) that it would be best to keep her here until Pete returns on Thursday.

When I went to the school performance on Thursday night with Amy, I saw that I had a text message and it was from Sheila.  She asked if I could stop by and see Lucy on my way home after the show.  So I did.  Lucy was so excited to see me.  I think she was just sad and so I took her on a short walk and spent some time with her.

On Friday night, I went to see Sex and the City in the city and got home after midnight.  It was a really fun evening.  The next morning I went to get my haircut in Emeryville and met Jackie.  We picked Lucy on the way back and she went wild.   We managed to get her in the car and to my house.   It was a beautiful day so we went to sit in the backyard and watched Lucy explore.  I thought it would be great to send Sheila and Pete some photos so I went to get my camera.  I heard Jackie saying: "Oh my, Lucy just went through a hole in the fence."   I rushed out and we both ran up the hill and there she was on the other side. 

My property is adjacent to 4 others, which means that I have 4 different fences.   And what I discovered on this Saturday was that there were some major gaps that Lucy can escape through.  Jackie is an angel.  We started to evaluate the situation and I headed to the garage where I found some miscellaneous items that we could use to keep Lucy on my side of the fence.  The first gap was easy.  I had an old fireplace screen that was gathering dust in the garage.  It fit perfectly and we wedged in a way that it was very secure. 

The second gap was much more difficult as the ground was uneven.  We started carrying large rocks up the hill.  It was hard work and these rocks were heavy.  I found 2 boards in the garage and the second gap was now gone but it was more of a make shift solution.  And then, when we sat down and were so proud of our handy work, Miss Lucy jumped through another fence.   It's funny now but frustrating when it happened.   We were lucky to find some chicken coop fence that we can secure.  I also found some rope in the garage and so we were making some funny designs.

We sat down again feeling good that our Lucy would now be safe.  But we were so wrong.  We missed one area and in seconds, she was in the neighbor's yard.  So we got up again and managed to secure the fence.  What was funny was that she has been to my place many times and never "escaped."  Even though we didn't end up on a walk, we both felt we had a good work out especially after playing with Lucy for a while.  She got under our skin and made us laugh.  I was so grateful Jackie was there to help me and spend time together.

Mark showed up and we headed out to dinner.  Lucy was at the door looking at us with her big, brown eyes and both J and I felt unbelievably guilty.  Mark shook his head and said: "she's a dog. She'll be ok."  But when we looked back, she was leaning on the door giving us a sad look. 

She is a dog and everything was ok when we got back home.  We hung out and watched a movie.   Lucy was a fun date but I don't think she could read the subtitles.   Sleeping was not easy.  She snores!   And she decided that I should get up at 5 am, which I didn't.  I let her out in the backyard when I got up.  And that is when I was grateful that we fixed the fence.  Lucy rushed up the hill and started barking.  I wasn't sure what she was barking about.  And then, I saw it: a huge deer.  If we didn't know there was a gap, Lucy and the deer would have been together.  It's nice when life comes together!

We went on a fabulous walk on Sunday morning to the reservoir and then had breakfast outside.   We were both exhausted.

I am now waiting for the dog walker to show up and take her on a walk.

Cooking up a storm

I feel ready bad since I didn't go to Saulsalito today.  I had every intent but some times intention is simply not enough.  I think there were 2 key factors: I was feeling a bit under the weather since I didn't sleep well and I was just tired.  I ended up sleeping for 2 hours in the middle of the day!

Once I got up, I started prepping and it was so much fun.  I made marinades for the Argentine flank steak and the rosemary lemon chicken.  They both need to be grilled today.   I then made potatoes with leeks, shallots and garlic that need to be crisped today and yams with honey.    The orange beet salad is ready and so are the Catalan mushrooms.  I still need to make the Thai curry halibut and jasmine coconut rice.   I figure there will be plenty of food and leftovers.  It's a tradition to leave my place with food.  I always thought I'd have a big family and that my kids would take leftovers home for the week.  This is the next best thing.

Getting Ready

Have I mentioned how much I love being home?  The weather during the weekend was amazing and HOT.  Today looks like I woke up in a different town.  It's gray and cool.  I hope it gets hot again for mom's visit.  I want her to have a great time.  It's been years since she has been here since we usually met up in LA.

I actually just took a short break to talk to her.  She is so excited and so am I.  She was having lunch with her friend who wanted to talk to me to wish me a happy holiday and tell me that my mom needs to rest and take it easy.  I am going to go with the flow and not push myself too much since just cooking will be fun and a big deal.  This is going to be a special Seder this year.  It's in my house with very special people.

It's also my time off.  My break before starting my new gig.   Apart for cooking, it will be a blast.  With all the recent news lately and the heartbreak around kids losing their fathers (Alyssa, Erica and Anna), I am so thrilled that I get some time to be with my family.  I have such a small family and I miss the gathering.  I always thought that I would have my own family but life turned out quite differently than what I had expected.   And as I told Amy yesterday as we were sitting outside by the pool, I am so thankful that I never had kids with JD.  That would have been a living nightmare.  And I am where I am.  I can only move forward differently but can't change what has happened.

Good Times

I just spent some time in the backyard sweeping the wisteria that is on the ground.  It was so  beautiful.  The green garbage can is full so I'll have to wait.  I do want to start composting.  I need to call the gardener to set up some new sprinklers so I can start a veggie garden on the side of the house.   It is so gorgeous out today.  It's around 84 degrees and it's hot.  The solar panels went on yesterday and the pool is in the low 70s today ... I can't wait to start working out in the pool.  It will be so amazing.   I am filling the pool with water now so it will take longer for everything to heat.   But I need to get the water level up. It's so exciting!  Once I fill up the gas tank, I can start barbecuing again but I am also going to use charcoal.  I have to find everything.  This is my favorite time of year and it lasts for a long time in California! 

I am on errands for the upcoming visit.   I am organizing and trying to put stuff away.  But I am not going to change how I live.   Everyone knows I am messy and that's just the way my life tends to be.  It's nice that I have a break for a few weeks.   I am going to make the most of the time and not get hung up with BS.  We are all different and we need to accept those differences.

Breathing Once Again

I feel that I can breath again.  I just love being home and in my own element.  And a new chapter is starting.  I have 2 weeks off and then I start my new adventure.   It's time to get a routine and focus on what I really want.  I just managed to get an extension and have a full year before I have to get back to the craziness.  I made it happen, which I still haven't really registered yet.
I am getting ready for the family visit.  I need to get the house much more organized than it is right now.  I can't wait for them to fix the garage door tomorrow.  It was so idiotic.  I had such a meltdown during the power outage.  I totally lost it and went nuts.  I broke the door trying to get the car out.   I am sure they will flip one switch tomorrow and all will be ok.
I have been reading all this stuff about diet coke and trying to kick the habit.   It's kind of scary to see all the side effects and sparkling water can be a good alternative for the carbonation.   It's just so amazing how one day something is ok and the next day it can kill you

Sunday morning - week #2 of my new life

Wow ... I actually slept through the entire night. Maybe going to bed at midnight helped a lot. Just sitting here with my morning cup of coffee, waking up.
I can't believe a whole year has passed and what I am thrilled about is that I am better for it. I made it happen. This year has been tough with so many lingering, big issues. There were times I felt in crisis. Last year I was drained and right now, I feel so energized with possibilities. This year showed me that being true to myself is absolutely key. I didn't realize that I was selling myself short. I let go of being caught up with what is expected and started moving towards what I want and what I believe success is. And it has been such an amazing relief but not at all easy either.
Last night, I realized that not much has changed when it comes to teenagers. I heard the girls who are supposed to be A's friends being described as bitches because all they do is get drunk and hook up with guys. It seems like there has not been much evolution, which is so sad. There is still the deception that it's all about relationships. This culture still seems to be about boys and girls rather than personal fulfillment. The girls who don't play this game are not popular. And those of us who are older know the truth. It doesn't matter.
We grow up with the myth of relationships and are never fully prepared for them. Lately, people have been asking me about whether I am working on my third husband. Every time someone brings it up, I wonder why that is so important to them. I need to be healthy first. The last relationship was so awful that I need a break. It didn't solve anything and brought so little joy. It bogged me down and made me ill. I never want that again.
2008 is all about health for me - emotional and physical. I want to get back in touch with myself and not be in a rush. The big achievement will be pacing myself and living each and every moment the way I want to. That will be the gift. I want to release myself from the chains of feeling fulfillment from the corporate machine. Spending a year with a non-profit will sure help. I also know that emotional health plays a huge factor in how the body reacts. So building my immune system back and taking care of myself is more important than ever. It will help me get into the best physical shape of my life.
One of the keys is managing my expectations and being able to breath.