Pursuing Adventures

Life Changes

Reading some of my old posts is fascinating and I find it so healthy to go back and learn about myself. I can see things today that were weighing me down before.

It has now been a year since I quit my job and 9 months since it has been official. I have spent this time:

• Healing - both physically and emotionally
• Failing fast at a start-up with crazy founders
• Enjoying time with friends
• Being lost for a bit
• Feeling disgusted with how big business works
• Realizing that all I want is a way to make a living so I can write
• Learning that I need help in getting my body back and that it takes hard work
• Allowing myself to feel

Closing the door

The last six months have been a journey to end a chapter in my life. I am very excited about starting to open many new windows. It's all in our hands. We have to learn to decrease the noise.

Last year, a "friend" told me that she may have to move back to Iran if she doesn't find a job as both her sons were going to be out of the house. My friends and family often accuse me of having a big heart and my friend in Kenya has told me that "I am too nice." And yes, I did let her in and stay with me.

It turned out to be a disaster. You'd think that after my divorce to anarcissist, I would easily recognize the traits.  But no. They were hidden by a massive passive aggressiveness and victimization. For the last 6 months, I had one of the most negative, self-absorbed and careless people in my home. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not. It was a great experience for me to be clear about my boundaries. Victims wil be victims. I stood up for my needs and while it was uncharacteristic for me, it prepared me for dealing with boundaries at work. I am done being taken for granted and being with people who just take. It was a horrible experience being again faced with someone who was 100% about them. 

Here are the emails after she FINALLY moved out - watch out for the victim mentality ...

Me: I am shocked that you never told me that you damaged the sink in my
brand new bathroom and the rust your items created on the window,
which I now have to repaint. Can you please let me know what caused
the crack as it is very deep and if you plan to pay for its
replacement. I won't even mention the rest of the stuff that I found
but these are the ones that are really upsetting me.

What I didn't say: I found a rotting banana peel in between my stuff in the garage. Who doesn't throw out their garbage?

L:I have no idea how the sink was cracked.  I thought it was cracked before I had moved in.  That's why I didn't mention anything. Eventhough I have not caused it, I'll be glad to pay for it.   I have no idea what rust you are tallking about.  I was planning to come back and clean up.  However, under the circumstances it was next to impossible.  It would be nice to stop hammering me so much.  I really don't deserve this.

Me: The sink was not cracked before you moved in and as usual, you do not
take any accountability for what you do. This constant focus on you
and your needs is consistent with everything that I experienced with
you.  I am tired of your excuses - you left a gas burner on in my
house  - I trusted you and I could have lost my home and there is so
much more. Let's just say our goodbyes and move on. I don't deserve the way you
treated me as well and I am just glad it's all over. I will take care
of the damage you caused. Please don't contact me again.

L: I agree that's for the  best.  In my lifetime, nobody had treated me the way you did during the past few months. In fact, not that many [people are capable of treating others this way.   All kinds of insults, unjust accusations and  finger pointing. I didn't want to say anything or react and I am glad I didn't.   Filtering all that, I astill thank you and wish you the best     Good bye 

The END - Moving on to positive people who know how to give and be true to their words.

Surprise others; surprise yourself

Sometimes, we can get so used to playing our roles that we get boxed into a certain way of being, and that can be restrictive for us—along with letting others take us for granted. Try breaking out of a particular role and see how it feels. What role do you play in the outside world? What sort of role model are you? Has the cloak of authority become too restrictive?

Shake things up a bit. If you’re the one in charge where work is concerned, try offloading some responsibility. If people are used to you behaving in a predictable way, try changing just one little thing and see if it makes you feel different. Keep an eye on guilty feelings and refuse to berate yourselfcfor any mistake you think you might have made. Move away from the victim stance of guilt and toward the empowering position of courage.

Boundaries

Since I got home, i have been dealing with boundaries and one area I have been thinking a lot about is how I put my needs first. Although I was brought up to help people, I need to help myself first.

Today I woke up in a fog. Last week was hell and I have not caught up on my sleep since I landed in SF at 11 pm on Friday. I am happy to have today off to focus on me.

I am definitely getting rid of people who just take. And I need to learn to go faster since many of these people will take as nuch as they can get.

They have no boundaries for taking so I am putting my own up.

What Maria said on Sept 21, 2011

I had a reading:

• Very first vibration is that you are very intuitive and you are getting more so every minute. You are more than the average individual. With time, you will open up even more
• Lots of healing energy. Did you ever want to become a therapist or a doctor? Anything to do with physical, health or emotional health?
• Do you cook? You heal with nourishment
• You will be making a lot, a lot, a lot of changes
• You some times think about moving and it's on your mind to make changes
• The past 15 years has been like a vacation as you are not as productive as you want to be
• The only thing that keeps you in SF is your friends
• There is something Russian or Polish around you. It's very clear in your energy
• I see you living in Israel and you have
• When are you going to write books? Lots of writing. You have a lot to say
• You will release 25 pounds with the release of the book and then another 50
• You need to knock off the sugar; it could be the alcohol, bread and pasta
• You have fat genes but it won't be a problem when you get older
• Eat well when you travel because travel is a way of life for you. You move around a lot
• For some reason, I feel you may love and your love life will change
• You haven't had a relationship for a long time. Men cannot fit into a suitcase and that's what it is. You have traveled a lot. There will be a J or G initial. Another guy who reminds me of Tarzan. Dark complexion and dark hair. He is nice and exciting. He is younger than you and very nice. I get an M and B initials. 
• You won't believe it but you will marry again with a wonderful marriage. A very spiritual person. Someone who is around you is interested and you may not know it. There are a few guys here. This one is light. Things are changing with your energy and you will start attracting more people around you
• Do you have a Scorpio friend? Moved into a new place
• Some with investments and properties
• Do you ever lecture? I see you telling people what to do in talks. I see you speaking, speaking and speaking. telling people what to do
• Do you do it in hotels? Because I see hotels and mainly the corporate world.
• You will get out when you start writing your book and do consulting work. I see you consulting
• You do very well. They like you. You just would do more
• I see something with Washington, DC, which is very nice
• I see Montreal here too. St Jospeh is my most favorite. The energy is amazing
• I see joy, success. You simply made an amazing choice to be happy and you are doing it. You are following something that you don't know. You have Elizabeth, Liza or Liz. And a man with a Russian name like Yigor or Dmitri. Do you have spiritual guides around you?
• I hope you meditate
• Is your father gone? Was he young? He is very much around you. A nice simple. A lot of Taurus-Libra. He is full of smiles and very looking. He smiles a lot to you. He was shocked that he died and he didn't expect it. He is showing me someone named Yossi. He is around a lot. It's interesting how he'd like to develop a relationship now because I don't feel anything strong when he was alive. He is with his mother. He loved her a lot
• You need to live in a big city. An English speaking country. You will have more than one house
• In the next 2 years you will have an amazing relationship, which will determine where you want to be
• Do you ever think of doing your own business? You will do well. The business will bring you a man
• I see a number of men around you. He is a guy. The one I like most is someone who lives here and there. More than one location. He is open and can live where he wants to. He has been through some trauma in his life and he is a big, huge giver. He is really fantastic. You will teach him how to accept and take. He is a fabulous nan
• There is nothing that keeps you in SF other than your friends, There are no ties

 

 

Time

All we have is time. Take time for you. Invest in knowing yourself and what you want. Move away from what was drilled into your brain about what you are supposed to do.

Create your own rules and never let anyone get in your way. If you keep encountering the same roadblock, bad relationship or stressful work situation then there is a lesson you have yet to learn. Take the precious time, dig deep inside and break the pattern.

There is no destination. Just a series of life lessons. Cherish time and be very present. Focus on what is possible for you.

Day #3 in Naka Island - #9 in Vacation

Woke up and feeling lazy. I am surrounded by couples and families, including newlyweds.  I don't think that they are used to having single women show up and want to have a great experience. Hotels miss huge opportunities to cater to the needs of single people. Actually, what they miss most is their ability to create experiences and relationships with their guests as their approach is very transactional.  In reality, they should be seeing every guest as part of their marketing campaign to bring more people to their properties.

But, alas, I am on vacation so I won't even try to solve their problems.

I need to spend the next few days outlining my Ebooks -- The Journey: A Guide for Young Girls and Women; Social Business, The Future of Work and Talent.

I have to get my thoughts around what's next.  Do I get a medical leave? Do I open my own shingle? Do I move cities? I will listen again to my reading with Maria and take note of the key themes that speak to me.  I met the marketing director for this resort yesterday and we had a drink. She asked me whether I would consider moving to Asia. I feel so very lucky that I am blessed with so many options and it is all about following my own beat now.

So off I go to my steam shower, which is outside in the villa. I love the fact that my bedroom is at the center of the villa and is open.  In front of me is my splash pool and two sitting areas.  Behind me is the bathroom, open closet, steam shower, outdoor shower and a huge bath.  I am so fucking lucky and I know it.

On the agenda for today is breakfast, pool, ocean and signing up for some treatments. Life is good.

 

I am BACK

My friend told me today that if I was standing right in front of her, she would slap me.   And she would be right.  I came back from Costa Rica not realizing how angry I was from the fiasco called a vacation and decided that I was in need of a change.  So what did I do?  I went off my PMDD meds and what a disaster that was!  I did not consult my doctor.  I thought I was being smart but what I did can be classified as idiotic.  

Over the next 3 weeks, I experienced raw emotions and posted some of them here on my blog.  Luckily, for all of us I refrained from blogging and sharing them publicly.  I was in a very dark place and could not cope.    And then I got angry that the chemicals in my body were at such odds and I started to take my meds again.  And now, I am back!

I had a fantastic week in Austin at SxSW.  It was a true blast of catching up with friends, great conversations, music and good times.  It was exactly what I needed for my soul.

And now, I am back ... and have a ton to share ...

Life is good

Need I say more?

Survivor Costa Rica made me realize how truly lucky I am and to focus on what I have.  I came home and decided to go off my PMDD "mood" med.  I was scared about what would happen but I have nothing to fear.  Why?  I am feeling on top of the world.  Life is good.

First two weeks of 2011

Got home last night and so happy.  My flight landed at 8:30 pm and I was home by 9:30 exhausted.  Boy, I was so happy to see my front door and my bed.   I actually got a decent night's sleep and feel refreshed.  I had a good week in Toronto.  Mostly, because I have made a decision and I am going to do my best to stick to it this year:

Focus on what I have and ignore what I don't.  Live with what I have and take it to the next level since I have so much ...

What I learned from the Costa Rica trip is that people with millions of dollars are not happy.  They can fly on private jets.  They can pay nannies to raise their children.  They stress over getting their dysfunctional kids into the best school.   And they are miserable.  They don't have deep relationships because they use what they have as a shield.  Money can't buy what they don't have.

Now, back to me.

I have my health, my family, my job, my house, my friends, my vision, my passion, my life experiences, my curiousity, my cooking and so much more.   That's what I am focusing on ... big life lesson.

Mornings

I love waking up on a Saturday morning in my own bed, and since next week I won't be here, I am enjoying being home.  It's raining and gray outside but my garden looks vibrant as it soaks in all the water coming from the skies.  I've noticed more birds in my backyard and they warm my heart.

I made a decision that I want to make some changes in 2011 and I put it in motion yesterday.   When I was asked at lunch where I see myself, my answer was helping people.  My life usually just happens.  When I hope for something too much, it usually does not materialize.   I am hoping to clear my mind in Costa Rica.  I need to clear all the thoughts and emotions clogging me right now.

Some high level thoughts for this year:

• Be part of a community that unleashes my creativity and desire to make a difference in the world
• Work at a company that values what I bring and compensates me with interesting work and an ability to retire early
• Take more time off and explore the world
• Go back to Africa
• Spend more time with friends, wherever they are in the world
• Get clairty on what's next
• Write and share more
• Going on a cooking retreat

Now, for some more wonderful coffee and a Netflix movie streaming on my new Apple TV ... of course, a foreign film ...

For 2011

Life goes by in a blink. And too many people live the same year 80 times. To avoid getting to the end and feeling flooded I found a list of 60 and captured the ones that matter to me and will add more ...

1. Exercise daily.

2. Get serious about gratitude.

3. Expect the best and prepare for the worst.

4. Know the 5 highest priorities of my life.

5. Drink a lot of water.

6. Improve my work every single day. 

7. Eat less food.

8. Find more heroes.

9. Be a hero to someone.

10. Savor life’s simplest pleasures.

11. Forgive those who’ve wronged me.

12. Read daily.

13. Be content with what I have.

14. Be passionate.

15. Never miss a moment to celebrate another.

16. Focus my mind on the good versus the lack.

17. Be patient.

18. Don’t give up.

19. Give no energy to critics.

20. Spent time near the ocean.

21. Innovate and iterate.

22. Speak less. Listen more.

23. Be the best person I know.

24. Make my life matter.

When I feel sideways

I was so looking forward to coming home and I am thrilled to be here and sleep in my own bed.  But I am also feeling super empty.   I have to close 2010 with a plan to make changes.  It's time for change.  I want to do more.  I want to have more gratification.   I feel lost and alone.  How ironic it all is.

And when I am feeling like this, these words should keep me remembering all the hope ...

I am going for a pilgrimage today then holiday with the family. As I go today, I am taking all your thoughts, memories and all the good things you have done for me – with me! You will be with me in my prayers at every temple I visit and I will pray to God to give you more and more so that you can provide me the moral support that you have always done. I will also thank God for sending me an angel (you) to guide me and help me.

God Bless you!

The stars align??

I woke up not feeling well and decided to cancel my trip and stay home.  I did all that first.  I swear!

And then I went to read the news and saw my horoscope for today:

If you feel like canceling plans, go ahead and cancel them. If you feel like skipping your hair appointment, call the salon and tell them you're sorry, but you just have to cancel your hair appointment. If you really only want to hang out in your reindeer slippers and not interact with anyone all morning, that's exactly what you should do (just make sure said slippers are okay at work). Relaxing is a real key to health, you know.

I know this is for me and millions of others.  But, it is the one day where it fits well?  Maybe I should check out the rest of the week???

Home

Back home.  Disoriented.  I didn't sleep a lot on the plane.  I fell asleep as soon as I walked through the door although I was very worried about my sister.  She just got released from the ER with vertigo.  I so know what she is going through.   

I feel totally wiped out right now.  I think it's the work uncertainty and just wanting closure.  I need to talk to two people and both are unavailable.   Kind of sucks.