Pursuing Adventures

Life Changes

Reading some of my old posts is fascinating and I find it so healthy to go back and learn about myself. I can see things today that were weighing me down before.

It has now been a year since I quit my job and 9 months since it has been official. I have spent this time:

• Healing - both physically and emotionally
• Failing fast at a start-up with crazy founders
• Enjoying time with friends
• Being lost for a bit
• Feeling disgusted with how big business works
• Realizing that all I want is a way to make a living so I can write
• Learning that I need help in getting my body back and that it takes hard work
• Allowing myself to feel

Closing the door

The last six months have been a journey to end a chapter in my life. I am very excited about starting to open many new windows. It's all in our hands. We have to learn to decrease the noise.

Last year, a "friend" told me that she may have to move back to Iran if she doesn't find a job as both her sons were going to be out of the house. My friends and family often accuse me of having a big heart and my friend in Kenya has told me that "I am too nice." And yes, I did let her in and stay with me.

It turned out to be a disaster. You'd think that after my divorce to anarcissist, I would easily recognize the traits.  But no. They were hidden by a massive passive aggressiveness and victimization. For the last 6 months, I had one of the most negative, self-absorbed and careless people in my home. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not. It was a great experience for me to be clear about my boundaries. Victims wil be victims. I stood up for my needs and while it was uncharacteristic for me, it prepared me for dealing with boundaries at work. I am done being taken for granted and being with people who just take. It was a horrible experience being again faced with someone who was 100% about them. 

Here are the emails after she FINALLY moved out - watch out for the victim mentality ...

Me: I am shocked that you never told me that you damaged the sink in my
brand new bathroom and the rust your items created on the window,
which I now have to repaint. Can you please let me know what caused
the crack as it is very deep and if you plan to pay for its
replacement. I won't even mention the rest of the stuff that I found
but these are the ones that are really upsetting me.

What I didn't say: I found a rotting banana peel in between my stuff in the garage. Who doesn't throw out their garbage?

L:I have no idea how the sink was cracked.  I thought it was cracked before I had moved in.  That's why I didn't mention anything. Eventhough I have not caused it, I'll be glad to pay for it.   I have no idea what rust you are tallking about.  I was planning to come back and clean up.  However, under the circumstances it was next to impossible.  It would be nice to stop hammering me so much.  I really don't deserve this.

Me: The sink was not cracked before you moved in and as usual, you do not
take any accountability for what you do. This constant focus on you
and your needs is consistent with everything that I experienced with
you.  I am tired of your excuses - you left a gas burner on in my
house  - I trusted you and I could have lost my home and there is so
much more. Let's just say our goodbyes and move on. I don't deserve the way you
treated me as well and I am just glad it's all over. I will take care
of the damage you caused. Please don't contact me again.

L: I agree that's for the  best.  In my lifetime, nobody had treated me the way you did during the past few months. In fact, not that many [people are capable of treating others this way.   All kinds of insults, unjust accusations and  finger pointing. I didn't want to say anything or react and I am glad I didn't.   Filtering all that, I astill thank you and wish you the best     Good bye 

The END - Moving on to positive people who know how to give and be true to their words.

Boundaries

Since I got home, i have been dealing with boundaries and one area I have been thinking a lot about is how I put my needs first. Although I was brought up to help people, I need to help myself first.

Today I woke up in a fog. Last week was hell and I have not caught up on my sleep since I landed in SF at 11 pm on Friday. I am happy to have today off to focus on me.

I am definitely getting rid of people who just take. And I need to learn to go faster since many of these people will take as nuch as they can get.

They have no boundaries for taking so I am putting my own up.

Openings and Closings

Relationships are fragile and for me, transparency is key with people I am close to. This is about my disappointment with G because I checked my work email while I was on vacation. My bad. I thought writing about it would help me understand my reaction.

I try to treat people as I would like to be treated. But when I feel someone has crossed a line, I shut down. G will have to do a lot to ever regain my trust and friendship. She made a choice that she may believe is in her best interest but it has shut the door with me.

We need to be cognizant of boundaries -- not just our own but those of others.

Sometimes when someone crosses the line, they need to focus on their new destination and leave the past behind.

No one gives us the rule book but with life experience, we should have sufficient common sense to navigate the fragile threads that bind us to each other.

It comes down this: I despise games and value honesty. There is little time for manipulation.

Be straight -- even if it hurts.

Where G went astray is when she asked me if she could interview for another position and made some lame excuses, which I called her on. She was not honest. And by talking about it, she told me that she had already interviewed. I would have supported her but the way she did it hurt.

Her new life awaits her. I understand her rationale but her approach was uninspiring and dishonest. That is the crux of it and I need to get over myself on this issue.

What's next for me? How much longer at the insane asylum that is supporting my chosen lifestyle?

Maybe I need to write a business book first that will fund my lifestyle?

 

I am BACK

My friend told me today that if I was standing right in front of her, she would slap me.   And she would be right.  I came back from Costa Rica not realizing how angry I was from the fiasco called a vacation and decided that I was in need of a change.  So what did I do?  I went off my PMDD meds and what a disaster that was!  I did not consult my doctor.  I thought I was being smart but what I did can be classified as idiotic.  

Over the next 3 weeks, I experienced raw emotions and posted some of them here on my blog.  Luckily, for all of us I refrained from blogging and sharing them publicly.  I was in a very dark place and could not cope.    And then I got angry that the chemicals in my body were at such odds and I started to take my meds again.  And now, I am back!

I had a fantastic week in Austin at SxSW.  It was a true blast of catching up with friends, great conversations, music and good times.  It was exactly what I needed for my soul.

And now, I am back ... and have a ton to share ...

Packing

I still have to finish packing, paint my face, get dressed and take out the garbage before I head to the airport.  This is the first business trip of the year and I am happy that I will be flying home on Friday.  I am still a bit shell shocked from the so called vacation and have not really started to focus on ME.

This weekend was good in that I connected with my girlfriends, who I am totally grateful for.  I am missing a few but am on the road of creating meaningful relationships this year with people who matter.

Ok ... better get my ass in gear and go offline ...

Mornings

I love waking up on a Saturday morning in my own bed, and since next week I won't be here, I am enjoying being home.  It's raining and gray outside but my garden looks vibrant as it soaks in all the water coming from the skies.  I've noticed more birds in my backyard and they warm my heart.

I made a decision that I want to make some changes in 2011 and I put it in motion yesterday.   When I was asked at lunch where I see myself, my answer was helping people.  My life usually just happens.  When I hope for something too much, it usually does not materialize.   I am hoping to clear my mind in Costa Rica.  I need to clear all the thoughts and emotions clogging me right now.

Some high level thoughts for this year:

• Be part of a community that unleashes my creativity and desire to make a difference in the world
• Work at a company that values what I bring and compensates me with interesting work and an ability to retire early
• Take more time off and explore the world
• Go back to Africa
• Spend more time with friends, wherever they are in the world
• Get clairty on what's next
• Write and share more
• Going on a cooking retreat

Now, for some more wonderful coffee and a Netflix movie streaming on my new Apple TV ... of course, a foreign film ...

Email from a friend: Stanford Lecture

 "I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection-the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin-a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf?

Yes. But their feelings?-rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.

There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it's very good for our health."

Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for today, even though I do bitch and moan in my blog but hey, it's better to do it than keep it all inside.  And I am thankful I have a place where I can put down all my thoughts.   I want to some day be able to help a lot of people.  I feel that is part of my purpose in this world.  To help people who are not as fortunate as me.  I want to do so much more since I have seen the hope in the eyes of the kids who have nothing.

I am just thankful for ...

• My sanity and gift of thoughtfulness
• Lots and lots of common sense, enhanced by tons of life experience
• The gift of friendship -- I am blessed with wonderful and amazing people in my life
• Opportunities -- I have the ability to choose
• Freedom -- as I look at how crazy the world is getting, I feel blessed by the fact that I have the freedom to be me.  World events are getting crazy enough.  York University, where I did my undergrad, is now anti-semitic.  I was appalled to hear what is happening there and will consider withdrawing my degree if it turns out to be a university that does not like people like me.  I have the freedom and a voice.  I am lucky.  I just hope our world is one that does not accept intolerance and hatred
• If I ran the world, I would get rid of all borders.  I think there are people who enjoy complaining and hard times.  I just want peace and quiet

Here is two a year of tranquility, love and understanding.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

 Albert Schweitzer

Seeing the signs

I just read a blog post that made me really sigh.  How many times have I written about the fact that I am done with high school?  This has been a really tough year for me and I have been trying to focus on what gives me good energy; and trying to reduce people and things that deplete it.

There are a lot of articles on how to declutter our lives from "stuff."  I have learned this year that it is not just stuff that we need to get rid off but also situations that are draining.  They are much harder to give away since the emotions and connections are much deeper.  

I married a narcissist 7 years ago on Sunday and it was hell.  I didn't know what that meant then.  I sure do now, which is good and bad.  The part that is really upsetting is when they are oblivious to the fact that they were not "wronged" but that they had done the same to you with no second thought. 

The good part is it may take me some time but I will see the signs and be able to not take on the crap.  Life is too short for people who play mind games and want to make you feel guilty for their own shortcomings.  Just saying ... if it's toxic, move away from the door ...

Meet Maxi

Having a great glass of Syrah and hangIng out with Maxi, my new iPAD. I don't have my wireless keyboard so typing takes getting used to. I want to be able to write more with it and be able to get more off my chest.

This week has been draining.

The good news is that I get to smack the door shut real soon and I am grateful. It shows me that I need to focus on me. One of the conversations I had today was all about how they are going to tell the world what an asshole my boss is. It made me laugh because there are probably only 7 people on earth who don't know that.

Time flies

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." 

~Henri Nouwen

I feel so grateful right now for my true friends.  It is such a blessing.  And what's interesting is the anniversary time for me ...

2 years ago, I was in Bellagio, which changed my life in so many ways, with the incredible people I connected with.

3 years ago, my divorce was finally final!

I am celebrating all the wonders this weekend.

Home

I am so happy I am home instead of being on a plane today.  It's good to just sit in my surroundings and breath.   My head is spinning.  Kenya and Rwanda were an amazing experience that I need to write more about.  Barcelona feels like a dream.  And I survived London and ended it with a fun evening with friends.  And now I am back.  The sun is shining.  I had some fantastic loquats that I picked off my tree and the coffee was so good.  I need to go get some fresh food.  I want to eat healthy and get back into shape.  I have to focus on it and stick to it.

Then, there is food for the soul.   I need to get off my ass and make some change.   I need to take control and get going on some projects.  More about that later ...

weekends

Time is flying by too fast.  This weekend is so what I needed right now.  Good friends in one of my favorite places on earth.  We are going to explore shortly.   Last night was interesting.  At dinner we were joined by a multi-millionaire and his second wife who looks like his daughter.  I don't think he is used to being around three very worldly women and our conversations made my brain tired :-)

Been thinking about this a lot lately

Toxic Friendships

As I grow older, I notice I face disappointments when some friendships change.   I saw this article and it hit home ...

"Not that I don't love and care for them, but for various reasons, these friendships have become too complicated or too negative to warrant the effort that it takes to keep them going. How sad. Yet I have to wonder, is this simply something that happens with age and increased stress? Or is it more?

When is it time to let the relationship go.

1. It's one-sided.  The sign that a friendship is becoming toxic and out of balance is when this give and take becomes overly one-sided.

2. It's dishonest. A major benefit of friendship is the gift of feeling loved and respected for who we are. When that is missing, it's a major sign that it's time to think about the relationship and if it's worth the effort.

3. It's overly critical.  If someone is constantly pointing out the things we're doing wrong and makes no time to acknowledge the things we're doing right, they may serve us better if we speak with from time-to-time but certainly not everyday.

4. You genuinely don't like each other anymore. The truth is that people change.

5. Your life feels calmer, happier and more alive without them. 

Toxic friendships can truly be harmful to everyone involved. Each ending makes room for a new beginning. Fear of walking away from a toxic friendship only keeps you both stuck and stunts your growth. On the other hand, finding the courage to explore difficult questions ultimately raises the bar and redefines the kind of friendships that are worth your time, energy and love."