Pursuing Adventures

Remembering Tom; Young@Heart

I am finding myself crying quite a bit lately.  I feel this awful loss with Tom.   There have been so many times where I wanted to talk to him and it has hit me over and over that he is gone.  I was expecting him to be around for a very long time.

I was crying my eyes out yesterday on the plane when I was watching Young@Heart (http://www.youngatheartchorus.com/),a documentary about a chorus of people between 70-90+.  It was so inspiring.  I recommend it as a must see.   These people show us how age is a mindset and what is possible.  And it also reminds me of the importance of having a community of people who care.  I so enjoyed the variety of their songs from punk to good old rock and roll. 

Here is an email from Tom from exactly 1 year ago ...

ILET - I am OK - Thanks for calling - I have been both exhausted and depressed beyond words and sleeping a ton - Everything is cool as far as the recovery - Slow ....Painfully slow...Let me know when you'll be back in town and we'll tawk....Hope you are well - Take care Tom

PS - This picture was right after I got out - I have a little more hair
these days.....

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do
nothing" --Edmund Burke

Back home and still thinking about life

I had such a great break this weekend in Bellagio.  Dinner on Sat. night was so insightful.   I met a woman who was at the conference who had the most amazing life story, including living through the political and social unrest in Argentia.  I was so inspired by our conversations.

Big learning this week: the people who get you are the people you want to be around. So stop wasting my energy trying to impress people who are not worth it. I am done with people who drain my energy.   I think common "agendas" are so key.

I started reading Infidel on my way home.  It totally humbled me to my core.  Ayaan Hasiri Ali has a lived a life full of unbelievable challenges.  She is younger than me.  We lived at the same time.  Compared to her life, my life has been charmed.  There is so much we take for granted.   The stories of her growing up are so painful.  It really gives freedom a different definition and makes me realize over and over how lucky we are when we have it.  Also, the freedom to be who were are without boundaries is a true gift.  I woke up in the middle of the night because of the jet lag and read about 20 pages.  It's heavy reading but incredibly insightful.

I still need to write about Young@Heart but need to shower and start working.  I have to start delivering stuff this week and focus.  So more later ... my treat will be to come back here and write!

Doing good in the world ... so many wonderful people

I am getting ready to check out and head home.  It's been an amazing few days.  I will blog (aka write) more about BlogHer08 another time.  I want to do a summary of my key learnings and observations as a way to capture it.   But right now, my head is spinning.

I attended a number of sessions with people who do good in the world for many reasons.  It has been so inspiring and eye opening.  It made me feel like I don't do enough and want to do so much more to make positive change in the world.  It actually made me think of how I can pursue a life long dream by leveraging the Internet.  I scribbled down a bunch of notes about it and need to think it through more and just DO IT!

Last week, I went to see a screening of August, a new film about the bubble bursting in 2001.  It focuses on the start-up hype and captures that period in time really well.  What made the movie special was seeing it with some great friends.  We went for dinner before and I was forever grateful they put up with my coughing and blowing my nose.  It was the first time I went out in public since I got bronchitis. 

I was asked at dinner when I am finally going to start my non-profit.  I answered that I have to pay my mortgage.  And then, I was challenged: "do you need to live where you do?"  Hmmm ... interesting question.   I often asked myself the same question since the divorce, especially when I came back from a trip in Johannesburg where I saw the conditions that people lived in.  I initially felt a sense of huge guilt because I just saw 100 people sharing one bathroom and I met two adorable children who showed me where they lived with 6 other family members.  I don't even know what to call it as it wasn't even a shack.   And today, I caught the end of a news clip about a family that is selling their 6,500 ft house and scaling back.  They were donating $600,000 somewhere in Africa to build schools and healthcare.   It was a family decision.  WOW is all I can say.   Personally, I can't afford to do that right now.  But how inspiring.

So the simple answer is I love where I am living.  It provides me with tranquility and sanity and I am too selfish to give it up right now.  My big learning is that before I can help others, I need to take care of myself.  I know I will get there but my house is non-negotiable right now.

What is possible is taking my energy to start my special project online some time soon ... stay tuned.   

Persepolis

I watched Persepolis yesterday on my flight home.  I actually watched 3 films but this one stood out as it was incredibly done.   It tells a very dark story in a way that captured me.  It was about the country I was born in but have absolutely no connection to.   I always have to explain to people when they ask me where I was born that it really has nothing to do with where I am from.  I couldn't even tell you the name of the hospital I was born in.   My dad was an ex pat for 4 years in Iran and I was born in his second year of being stationed there. 

Marjane just wants to be an ordinary kid, but that isn't easy in 1978 Iran. In this wonderfully animated film, she takes us through the first 10 years of her life, which was a time of being surrounded by a loving family with a great life style.  Her parents are solid and enjoy a more Westernized life.  They have had members of the family imprisoned by the Shah so a promise of a new life where they will be released are what they are looking for.  But the changes that took place were not the ones they were hoping for.   

Her grandmother is an amazing character.  A woman who challenges her, despite the bleak new realities, to be true to herself and live a life full of integrity.   She tells the story of how her grandmother always had a wonderful smell and it was because she put jasmine flowers in her bra every day.  Her grandmother is loving and yet harsh when she feels her grand daughter is being selfish.  Despite the new hardships of all the women having to shroud their faces and bodies from the view of men, they adapt. 

Her parents try to shield her as family members who were released after long imprisonments under the Shah are now back in prison and being executed for their new crimes under the Islamic regime.  Marjane is sent to Vienna, where she never truly fits in.  There is a stigma of being from Iran that she can't seem to shake.  One of her favorite past times is going to the local supermarket and seeing the abundance of food glowing off the shelves.  It was a vast contrast to the reality of Iran where the shelves were empty and choice was no longer available apart from those who could afford the black market.

And after a heart break with a boy, she begs her parents to return to Tehran without questions being asked about her time in Vienna.  The reunion is heartwarming but Marjane cannot adapt as an adult.  She falls into depression. She is homesick for a nation that no longer exists.

You can never go back.  Only move forward.  When you leave a country and grow, the country changes at the same time.  You can only find your place by being true to yourself and living a life of integrity.

Marjane heads to France where she now lives.

This film is heavy but is so well down.  It spoke to me on so many levels and it was great that they are showing foreign films on the plane.

Wonderful Saturday

I had a fabulous day yesterday.  I started it with a workout with Greg who is helping me get stronger.  I am looking forward to getting a workout routine for the pool when it gets warmer out.   I then spent the rest of the day with Sheila and Jackie, which is always so great.  It's wonderful to have such an easy time with friends and just be.  We just hung out in Danville.  We ate, drank, walked around and shopped.  It was great.  We are all having some interesting challenges in our lives right now but when we are together, they just don't matter.  There is so much support, caring and most importantly, understanding and laughter.

Jackie and I went to Walnut Creek to see The Visitor.  This was one of the best films I have seen in a long time.   All I knew about it was that a professor goes to his apartment in NYC and discovers an illegal immigrant couple who are living in his place.  But it's about so much more.  It's also about losing one's sense of purpose and being totally lost.  And then, finding a new passion and a new way when the time is actually taken to address the issue.  It's also about the post 9/11 reality of life in the US.  It was heartbreaking and thought provoking. 

This movie spoke to me on two levels. One as a PhD drop out who became disillusioned with academia and while I had my ABD, walked away.  I found so many academics to lived in a different reality from the real world.  And this was what was interesting about seeing this professor who was going through the motions and writing about a world that he has not personally experienced. 

Meeting these two people whose only crime has been not being granted asylum in the US, changes his life to the core.  They not only let him live through their non-existence in a country that promises freedom, he also discovers a new passion for drumming.   While Walter continually fails in his attempts to  learn how to play the piano to get close to his dead wife who was a pianist, he is reignited by finding his rhythm when Tarek invites him into the world of African drumming.  When Tarek gets deported and Walter experiences the inhumanity of the fact that people can simply "disappear" because some official decided their fate without understanding what they are running away from in their countries, Professor Walter Vale finally gets a glimpse of his country that he has never written about in any of his books or papers.

The second area it spoke to me was around the entire immigration system that I have been experiencing for years now.   My crime was that I married an American who turned out to be a pathological liar.  My crime was recognizing it early and divorcing him.  How did that turn into a crime?  I had a conditional green card and I had to prove that I didn't marry him to gain access to this country.  My highly paid work lawyers screwed up my paper work by checking one box that should never have been checked.   Having a job that required me to travel internationally every 2 weeks meant that I had frequent encounters with US Immigration and the INS offices.   My other crime was my father was an ex-pat in Iran for 4 years and in his second year there, I was born.  So here I was a Canadian being born in Iran with Israeli parents.  I was on a list.   

I know, for myself, being sent to secondary immigration every 2 weeks when I came back home to the US from a business trip was not a pleasant experience.  It's like you don't exist and even though a mistake is made with your paperwork, you are considered guilty.  And I won't even repeat the stories of being told that I have no finger prints because I type too much and how many times I had to try.  I was lucky that it was resolved within a year by finding a human being at the INS despite my highly paid lawyers.  But what The Visitor shows us is that some people are not so lucky and have to live between the lines. While they get to experience some of the beauty of American life, they live in fear.  And that is justifiable since at any point, they can be sent back to the country they chose to run away from due to lack of human rights.  Post 9/11 all people of one group are branded the same.

The Visitor not only made me think.  It made me sad about the world we live in.  There is a huge distrust that is some times justifiable but it does not make an entire part of the population guilty.  Some people are just trying to get a chance of a life and that is a dream that the US has always given the people of the world a glimpse of.  The reality is that it is not attainable by all.

Meeting these two people whose only crime has been not being granted asylum in the US, changes his life to the core.  They not only let him live through their non-existence in a country that promises freedom, he also discovers a new passion for drumming.   While Walter continually fails in his attempts to  learn how to play the piano to get close to his dead wife who was a pianist, he is reignited by finding his rhythm when Tarek invites him into the world of African drumming.  When Tarek gets deported and Walter experiences the inhumanity of the fact that people can simply "disappear" because some official decided their fate without understanding what they are running away from in their countries, Professor Walter Vale finally gets a glimpse of his country that he has never written about in any of his books or papers.

The second area it spoke to me was around the entire immigration system that I have been experiencing for years now.   My crime was that I married an American who turned out to be a pathological liar.  My crime was recognizing it early and divorcing him.  How did that turn into a crime?  I had a conditional green card and I had to prove that I didn't marry him to gain access to this country.  My highly paid work lawyers screwed up my paper work by checking one box that should never have been checked.   Having a job that required me to travel internationally every 2 weeks meant that I had frequent encounters with US Immigration and the INS offices.   My other crime was my father was an ex-pat in Iran for 4 years and in his second year there, I was born.  So here I was a Canadian being born in Iran with Israeli parents.  I was on a list.   

I know, for myself, being sent to secondary immigration every 2 weeks when I came back home to the US from a business trip was not a pleasant experience.  It's like you don't exist and even though a mistake is made with your paperwork, you are considered guilty.  And I won't even repeat the stories of being told that I have no finger prints because I type too much and how many times I had to try.  I was lucky that it was resolved within a year by finding a human being at the INS despite my highly paid lawyers.  But what The Visitor shows us is that some people are not so lucky and have to live between the lines. While they get to experience some of the beauty of American life, they live in fear.  And that is justifiable since at any point, they can be sent back to the country they chose to run away from due to lack of human rights.  Post 9/11 all people of one group are branded the same.

The Visitor not only made me think.  It made me sad about the world we live in.  There is a huge distrust that is some times justifiable but it does not make an entire part of the population guilty.  Some people are just trying to get a chance of a life and that is a dream that the US has always given the people of the world a glimpse of.  The reality is that it is not attainable by all.

Purpose

I'm bored. Maybe it's partly the winter? I am not a winter person and a huge storm is supposed to start tonight. Luckily, it's just rain and not piles and piles of snow and cold air.
I am even bored with what I made for dinner. Change takes time and it's about clarity.
I need to be clear about the life I want right now. I don't need anyone for introductions. I proved that I can do it yesterday. And next week, I have the conference. I need to be doing more. This assignment is totally unchallenging. I feel like I am making a big difference but it's the same old stuff. With him having no business background or leadership skills, and being a control freak, it's tough to take this organization any where. I will try my best but I have to be realistic. The key is how do I leverage it for me. I just wish they would bother to think about how to leverage me instead.
Can I take the complexity out? Can I just make things simple?
I like to do this so this is what I will do because that's what I want. Why do we end up with some many things we are supposed to do? Why can't we just always try to do what we love? I wasn't brought up with those principles.
And then, watching Chicago 10 at the Kabuki yesterday was powerful. And it showed, once again, the stupidity of the system but also, that people can't beat it. It's like watching the US primaries now - how do you choose the best from the worst? No one is worth voting for but one of these people will hold the fate of an entire nation. And these are critical years for this country but most of its population is oblivious and chasing charisma.

Monday Monday

I am half awake. Going to drink my coffee and go shower. Patricia is supposed to come so I need to move my ass so she can clean the house. I still want to be asleep quite frankly. I did my usual 4 am wake up for an hour again. I would love to sleep through the night again. I feel like I am really not here right now. I am glad that today is a holiday.
I am a bit more awake now. It's raining. I do love all the birds in the backyard. Yesterday, I watched a squirrel trying to drink from the pool and making his way on the edge. It was very cute. Although I do wonder why we think squirrels are adorable, while I find rats to be disgusting. Even though I did see Ratatouille on the plane.
What I am really enjoying these days is being home. I don't miss the travel at all. I would be on a plane right now had I not made this change. There is yet another management meeting on Thursday in London. And they moved the March extended team meeting to 3/3, which would have meant that I would have had to move Amy's 50 birthday celebration. The cost of my last job was very high. And slowly, I am creating a new life for myself. It does not happen over night.
At least, I am back having a life since my cough is still here but not keeping me at home.

Can it ever change?

I just woke up from a very bad dream, all sweating and disoriented. I think it's from watching Eastern Promises last night. It was such a harsh film that showed such disrespect to the lives of women and demonstrated the stupidity of hierarchical societies. There is no freedom for those who seek better lives and are thrown in to sexual slavery. This movie was about eastern Europeans but I've read so much about the same happening in other parts of the world. And the world remains silent.
I just read some reviews of the movie and most failed to see the horror of what is happening. They are more absorbed by the Russian mafia and the filmmakers. It's really sad how much of everything is about power and being at the top by exploiting others.

Any Good News? When Do We Learn?

I am sitting here with the perfect cup of coffee reading the headlines:

Old U.S. Allies, Still Hiding Deep in Laos

Pardon Reported for Saudi Rape Victim

And shaking my head, wondering why there is no good news in the media. If I spent a few hours just reading through these headlines, I'd be asking a lot of questions like how much have humans evolved? We may have tons of technology but we repeat history, which is the biggest shame.

I watched Cautiva yesterday and was so moved by it, and as always saddened by the human capacity for corruption and hatred. Here is a summary of it:

Argentinean teen Cristina's life turns upside down when a judge summons her and reveals that her real parents had "disappeared" for political reasons years ago. Ordered to leave the couple who raised her and move in with a grandmother she's never known, Cristina struggles to understand the truth of her life.

What was scary is that she grew up with parents who kidnapped her from her real parents who "disappeared" and she had no idea what happened in her own country until she gets summoned by the judge. It was so powerful as it showed this devastating crisis from a number of perspectives: the grandmother who lost her kids and granddaughter, the daughter who is conflicted by the love of her "parents" and discovering the truth and the kidnappers who feel they have done no wrong and gave a child the safety of a loving home. I've read and seen many films on Argentina in the 70s and I am just glad they are being made.

Chilling At Home

Luckily, today was a great day. I am constantly organizing and getting rid of stuff I don't need or moving things around. It feels really good. I also watched two, intense but great films: Black Book and Jindabyne. It was a very low key day but I feel great, especially after the walk with Sheila and Lucy at the Reservoir. It looked dreary when we got there but turned out to actually be very hot and humid. A great Sunday chilling at home!

How We React to People

When did I become "Ma'am"? I really don't like being called that at all. It's 2007 and people still don't know how to refer to women properly. I guess it's not bad as when people call me Mr. because of my first name.
I just had the weirdest experience. I was watching the end of this amazing, tear jerker, After the Wedding, when my door bell rang. This girl was obviously collecting money. She had a big laminated card with her saying that she is with an Oakland organization trying to raise money and she had a bag of stuff she was "selling." I saw this Harley sign and knew that something was fishy so I told her that I give donations through my company, which I actually do. I just made one to the Bay Area Foodbank this week because I read that they were short of food for the holiday. Anyhow, she then asked me if she could use the bathroom. What could I say to a teenage kid? But I have to be honest, so many thoughts were running through my head. I grabbed the phone, just in case, and she was there for a long time. She thanked me and left. Phew ... I guess I've been watching too much TV. But the bathroom does stink ... so she did leave something. But it was a very strange feeling because I wasn't sure what was really going on.

A New Day

I woke up at 5:45 am, which was great since I fell asleep at 9:15 pm ... couldn't keep my eyes open at all ... The massage was so relaxing yesterday and it helped me get back to myself!
It is such a fantastic day today ... I just went to get the paper and think I should go for a walk. I was a bit unsettled when I got back home but am feeling totally relaxed now.
I am watching the end of Driving Lessons, which is a great movie. This made me laugh: "Every day g-d gives us is a gift. That's why we call it the present." Ben's response was "Fuck you, Sara." Very insightful.

Shingles come back

I am really disappointed. I was going to visit Marilyn today at her home and I woke up feeling awful. Yesterday was bizarre. I had a lot of pain along the nerve and it was also frustrating. I am ready to be better. I want to move forward. I ended up taking an ambien to sleep. I slept but now, I feel awful and I am scared of driving such a long distance in this condition.
Celebrity, Woody Allen's movie is on the background, I am watching a random scene where Judy Davis shows up to ask for sexual advice especially around new techniques. When Bebe Neuwirth asks Judy Davis whether she enjoys giving a blow job, her response is "I think so but I am usually thinking about the Crucifixion." Than Bebe asks her to demonstrate on a banana and almost bites into it. It made me laugh. I am feeling so frustrated right now so a laugh is good.
It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I am just going to crawl back to bed. When will I feel better? When do I get to turn the corner? My back is killing and the stabbing nerve pain is here ... I will need to call the advice nurse later as I can't find anything on the Internet. I was thinking that I was getting better. I don't get it ... maybe the stress of work is related? or maybe it's the fact that my divorce lawyer is so awful. I am so tired of having to chase everyone and keep on top of it all.

My Birthday

I am in a total funk. I just realized that I only got back from London last week. It's all been so crazy and the last two days have been rough.

I had a great birthday this year. It was a lot of fun. I actually started it on Tuesday night at a premiere of Rescue Dawn with Jackie at the Metreon. The movie was so intense but the spirit of the Dieter Dengler who survived the Laos POW nightmare was incredible. Christian Bale did a fantastic job portraying this man. I came home and googled him because I was so curious about his spirit and when I learned what he had survived in his life, it became clear that he could live through anything.

On Wed., I went to see Live Free or Die Hard at 10:30 am thanks to tickets from Sheila. I walked up to the theatre and there was not a soul in site. I have never been to the movies that early in the morning on a week day. Everyone who worked there looked half asleep. I was surprised when I walked in to the theatre and there were lots of people there; not all retired or on summer vacation. It was a very fun movie and it made me laugh at the premise, which I won't share here to spoil it for anyone. I had a great light lunch at Va da Vi and then went home to swim. Friends were calling all day and it was so nice to connect with everyone. Dinner at Havana was a blast. Amy organized with Glenn and David who are always fun to go out with. And then she made me a very special ice cream cake (with coconut!!! my absolute favorite), which we had at her place. It was so wonderfully relaxing!

But I didn't sleep well on Wed. night and Thursday I was frozen all day at work. I had some disturbing calls in the morning and it was impossible to get motivated. I want to change jobs already. I want to be done with this position but it just keeps dragging on. I know that if I produce high quality work, there is no strong team to execute it. It's just a total fire drill culture with a very tactical approach. Don't get me wrong, I love some of the people I work with but there is no real team. And there is no engine to execute in the way I know we should. So my work seems very futile right now. I am done. I am out of energy and giving a shit.

So these are all endings ... I want to close the door on:

• this job
• my ex's junk in the garage. I want him to be out of my life forever already. Never to be mentioned ever again
• all outstanding legal BS
• this fat I gained while being sick

I want beginnings:

• Fun times
• Careless adventures
• A job that is local and I can sink my teeth in and have a life
• Being able to do volunteer work because I am homeStarting with pilates and then joining a gym
• Fun travel that has nothing to do with work

When we live in the present, there is less pain

We're all so wounded. I've just finished watching Breaking and Entering and it's a tough film. The reviews I read on Netflix were mixed but I usually only look at them after I create my own impression. Most people didn't get this movie, including the critics. I wasn't looking for the hidden connections. I just experienced it.

I feel that it was mostly about how wounded people are and their search elsewhere when they can't find it within or with the situation they currently have. Humans make life so complicated because of raw emotions.

It's so funny because when you are a kid, you are in such a rush to grow up; thinking there is some special pot at the end of the rainbow. No one tells you that it is all about the journey. Not to rush. But we live in a culture of quantity and speed. And as you grow up, you wonder how you could have bought into all this crap.