Pursuing Adventures

Cooking up a storm

I feel ready bad since I didn't go to Saulsalito today.  I had every intent but some times intention is simply not enough.  I think there were 2 key factors: I was feeling a bit under the weather since I didn't sleep well and I was just tired.  I ended up sleeping for 2 hours in the middle of the day!

Once I got up, I started prepping and it was so much fun.  I made marinades for the Argentine flank steak and the rosemary lemon chicken.  They both need to be grilled today.   I then made potatoes with leeks, shallots and garlic that need to be crisped today and yams with honey.    The orange beet salad is ready and so are the Catalan mushrooms.  I still need to make the Thai curry halibut and jasmine coconut rice.   I figure there will be plenty of food and leftovers.  It's a tradition to leave my place with food.  I always thought I'd have a big family and that my kids would take leftovers home for the week.  This is the next best thing.

Getting Ready

Have I mentioned how much I love being home?  The weather during the weekend was amazing and HOT.  Today looks like I woke up in a different town.  It's gray and cool.  I hope it gets hot again for mom's visit.  I want her to have a great time.  It's been years since she has been here since we usually met up in LA.

I actually just took a short break to talk to her.  She is so excited and so am I.  She was having lunch with her friend who wanted to talk to me to wish me a happy holiday and tell me that my mom needs to rest and take it easy.  I am going to go with the flow and not push myself too much since just cooking will be fun and a big deal.  This is going to be a special Seder this year.  It's in my house with very special people.

It's also my time off.  My break before starting my new gig.   Apart for cooking, it will be a blast.  With all the recent news lately and the heartbreak around kids losing their fathers (Alyssa, Erica and Anna), I am so thrilled that I get some time to be with my family.  I have such a small family and I miss the gathering.  I always thought that I would have my own family but life turned out quite differently than what I had expected.   And as I told Amy yesterday as we were sitting outside by the pool, I am so thankful that I never had kids with JD.  That would have been a living nightmare.  And I am where I am.  I can only move forward differently but can't change what has happened.

Living

I called my mom and she told me she was sad. Her friend Ruth died. She had cancer. She was 68. I just did a search and her funereal is on Monday at 11:30 am at Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel in Toronto. The same place as dad's funereal. Mom said she'd stop to see dad when she goes to the graveyard.
I asked my sister today if she talked to mom. She is so smart. When I told her mom was sad, she asked if Ruth had passed away. She was glad mom stopped by the hospital a few days ago. My sister consulted to Ruth's late husband and knew them both well.

Lesson learned: don't wait for reminders like this to live life to its fullest. These are the precious moments we have and I can't squander them on sadness. I need to get off my ass and make it happen.

Letting Go

My sister gave me Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert for Passover. I have never read a book I like so slowly. But it is really hitting home in a lot of ways: it's about soul searching and self discovery. Sound familiar? I feel that I am on the road of redefining my life and exploring what I can do rather than what is expected of me. I don't care about traditional "success" anymore. Joseph Campbell would be proud of me. I am in search of my bliss; my own success of living fully.
In the book, the writer explains that she does not want her journey to Italy to be about men and relationships. This passage hit close to home:
"I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say: To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane, If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word). I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never cultivated in yourself and I will buy presents for all your entire family. I will give you the sun and rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
That's how I was raised. I was taught that it's supposed to be like this. I am done. No one can break my heart any more. My heart is mine. I am setting my boundaries. Even though the movies tell you that you have to find someone to complete you; that's a bunch of horse shit. The only person who can complete me is me. What I have learned in the last 18 months is that I am so lucky to have my friends and family who are real people ... and they add to my life experience. The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. There is still so much for me to un-learn ...
"I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “... the rule of the Quest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe. I can’t help but believe it, given my experience."