Pursuing Adventures

First two weeks of 2011

Got home last night and so happy.  My flight landed at 8:30 pm and I was home by 9:30 exhausted.  Boy, I was so happy to see my front door and my bed.   I actually got a decent night's sleep and feel refreshed.  I had a good week in Toronto.  Mostly, because I have made a decision and I am going to do my best to stick to it this year:

Focus on what I have and ignore what I don't.  Live with what I have and take it to the next level since I have so much ...

What I learned from the Costa Rica trip is that people with millions of dollars are not happy.  They can fly on private jets.  They can pay nannies to raise their children.  They stress over getting their dysfunctional kids into the best school.   And they are miserable.  They don't have deep relationships because they use what they have as a shield.  Money can't buy what they don't have.

Now, back to me.

I have my health, my family, my job, my house, my friends, my vision, my passion, my life experiences, my curiousity, my cooking and so much more.   That's what I am focusing on ... big life lesson.

The New Year

I started the new year in the pool overlooking the sheer beauty of the Pacific Ocean and Costa Rica.  A flock of birds flew above my head in a concrted effort.  What do they know?  What have they seen?  Do they care where they are going or do they just flap their wings and go wherever they want to?  Are they truly free or is it simply an illusion?  

Regardless, it is absolutely breath taking here and I had a few minutes of quiet until the kids appeared.  It was fantastic to swim with one of them as she held my neck because she doesn't know how to swim.  Everyone has always told me that I would make a great mom.   Will I ever know if that's true?

Two of the four kids that are here are adopted.  One from Vietnam and the other from China.  They are carefree beautiful girls who are so full of spirit and life. 

 

Perspective and aging

A few weeks ago I had an experience that was both startling and sad.  We just finished Rosh Hashana dinner at my mom's friends and were going to stop at her other friends' place to say hello.   We walked from one building to the other in the rain and wind.  We went into the building and I was looking them up so they could buzz us in. 

As I was looking at the screen, all of a sudden I felt a hand grab my arm tightly and this man said "I want you."  I was startled and looked at him and saw an, an older man, who just walked in with this woman.   I knew they were together and she just stood there, laughing.  I tried to shake his hand off me but he just grabbed it tighter.  I looked at him and said, "please, let me go."  Then, he started yelling: "I want my Esther. I want you."

It then hit me that this man had dementia.  I got sad but I also felt a bit threatened since he didn't seem to have control over himself and this woman was not stepping in.  My mom was able to get his hand off of me and the door opened so we walked really fast to the elevators.  we waited and waited.  No elevator.  Busy night in this building.  We looked at each other and shook our heads. 

Dementia is so sad.   My grandmother had it.

We continued to wait.  And then, he was back, grabbing me, yelling that he wants me.  I told him in a very authoritative voice to let me go and that I was with my mother and not going anywhere with him.  He started arguing with my mother that I wasn't with her and that she wasn't my mother.  I looked at the woman he was with and asked for help with my eyes.  The elevator came.  They got in.  We waited.

While we were slightly frightened, we were feeling sadness more than anything.  I could only imagine that the woman who was with him was his wife and that she had lost him forever.

What made me think of this?  This article I saw today Elderly with Cognitive Decline Offer Excellent, Hurtful Advice

family

I love my 78 year old cousin who is just full of life.  She just called me and shared how happy she is with her life and to be alive.  It not only put a huge smile on my face but also warmed my heart.   She has her shtick, which is what makes her so unique.  I can talk to her so easily and I am grateful for that gift.

She told me she went on an art walk and bought a piece from Zeev Neumann and why did she buy the piece?  Because it reminded her of sperm swimming.  She made me promise to tell her kids the story of getting it when she is gone.  I reminded her of our deal that she can't go any where until I go.  I love her being in my life.  I love her spirit and how we connect.

And that I can talk to her about the family.   So much history there.

The clock keeps ticking

The big life lesson is that life continues to go by and it's up to each of us to make the most of our time, with whatever we enjoy rather than what is expected of us.

Today, my dad would have been 75.  What would that be like?  I would never know.  He left us at 54 and was not part of a significant part of my life and who I have become.  

For some reason, I am feeling it all right now.  Time to take control.

Is this like staying in a bad marriage?

What a shitty start to the work week.  My throat hurts and I am so not ready to be sick.  I want to be healthy and enjoy the time with my family.

I started today with a disturbing call and then in the middle of that one, another one came through.  What does it come down to?  People being assholes and overall, top down bullshit.

I am so tired of the posters and balloons of how people count.  It is such utter bullshit in how people seem to behave these days.  I have so many questions today:

• What does it matter if awards are won when people are treated with disrespect? 
• Why do we stay in jobs that suck?  
• Where is the freedom we think we have? 
• Why don't we vote with our feet?  
• Why do we give people with bigger titles power over us?
• Why don't we walk away to find something that gives us joy? 
• Why do we continually watch films with happy endings when we know day-to-day life is so different?
• And most importantly, how is it possible for people to drink so much fucking kool-aid?

Thinking about my dad

This was read at his funereal:

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

In Memory: A Celebration of Life

My entire face hurts from crying.  Today, tears just came out with no control.  I tried to keep with the celebration of life for Jhkumi but it was the most amazing memorial I have ever experienced.  I had no control.  I was just there in the moment taking it all in.

In June 2007, Jhkumi sat down and wrote what she wanted to happen today.  She wrote the material and assigned poems and music to different people in her life, even her fellow camp counselors who made us all sing a song about a frog.  She was 31 when cancer took her.  And in the letter she wrote for today's event, she said that she wasn't ready to die.  She already bought all the books she wanted to read to her children and toys that she thinks are appropriate.  There is more that she wanted to do in her work as a scholar and educator.  And although she has traveled the world in her quest to save humans and animals, there was a long list of places she wanted to visit, including living in Jerusalem.  Her husband is a sabra. He spoke at the end and his loss cannot be described in words.

She told us that we shouldn't be at peace since she is not.  

I can't imagine planning my service and can't even imagine who would show up.  I lost touch with different decades of my life and can't even name my teachers from all the schools I attended.  Jhkumi created a community in her life time and people from her life were there to celebrate.

What touched me most is that here was a person who had dreams to change the world.  She was definitely a leader in education and had a love of animals and the earth.  She did something about everything.  She had dreams of being in government and driving policies toward science education in the schools.  Her students were there today putting on a skit of how she impacted their lives.  I just sat there in awe amazed at how much one woman was able to accomplish in a short time.  It was sad but also inspiring.  This was a woman who through her actions worked all the time at what she believed in.

And luckily, found time to love.  This love story is also a loss.   My friend not only buried his only daughter but will never see future generations.  Jhukmi's husband married her when she was already diagnosed with cancer.  They fought it together.  

It was inspiring.  I want to do more.  My non profit work has been less than rewarding.  I think I just need to do more where I am in contact with people who need help; not in the management ranks but real people.

Shock and sadness - why does it have to be so sudden?

I am really sad.  On my way home from Chicago on Sunday, I received an email from Leah

bad news...my mother is in the hospital, unconscious, and it is not looking good. She was walking with one of my nieces, fell, and at first they only saw that her heart had stopped...now it seems she broke a vertebra in her neck, and has had her brain deprived of oxygen. They don’t expect her to live very long ...

I had to read it twice for it to even register.   I immediately called to see if there was anything I can do to help.  Leah is one of the most even keel women I know but I could hear the pain in her voice.  I didn't start to really cry until I put down the phone and headed to board my flight.  I was in a sea of strangers with tears rolling down my face but no one cared.  I knew what sudden death was all about.  My dad was there in the morning and gone in the afternoon, with no real notice.  He actually called me at work and I was too busy to talk to him.  I never got that chance.  A life long lesson on priorities - work or life?

All I could think at the time was that this wasn't real.  This wasn't happening.  I just spent some time with Leah and her mom in Barcelona this summer.  A lot of fun time.  Her mom was making beautiful packages of Spanish salt as gifts for her friends.  She kept telling her group of friends how much she loved the salt in Barcelona and was making sure she was bringing it back for them to experience.  I marveled at her talent of taking a big bag of salt and transforming it into a charming gift in little individual bags with beautiful labels.  It looked store bought.  And she was having a great time making them; a labor of love. We had a lot of fun times that are replaying over and over in my head.

I have been trying to focus since I got the news but I have been hoping that Leah got to Toronto in time and saw her mom.  Maybe her mom is actually ok?  My brain was spinning and my heart was hoping.  When I was in Barcelona for Rosh Hashanah, Leah's mom was helping us make the chalah.  I wished her a sweet new year.  And now this?  Why?  Why are so many good people taken away too early?  Life is definitely not fair.

And last night, I got the news.  She passed away yesterday.  I am so sad.  If I wasn't heading to Geneva for the summit, I'd go to Toronto for the shiva and to give my mom a huge hug.

Life is so precious.  Let's all make the most of it and disregard the bullshit.

The Best Revenge is Living Well

Competition is interesting.  Not so much between companies and organizations but between people and egos.  In this world, many people spend too much of their time focused on how to get the upper hand.  They hold deep grudges and spend their time figuring out how they can "better" their position.  I have observed many such battles but have tried not to engage in them.  They are futile.  I'd rather focus on planting and enjoying the end result than fighting and tension.

I think a lot of it stems from ego and the stress of wanting to keep up with others.   I was brought up in the world where I was encouraged to be my best.  I remember when I'd come home with a grade my dad didn't approve of and tried to explain to him that it was a bell curve and I did ok compared to others.  He would tell me that he didn't care about the others.  I had to be the best with the highest grades. 

The irony is that it didn't matter.  But it did to him.   He built everything from scratch and didn't get a chance to go to college after the army.  He got a law degree when we were kids.  My mom got her BA and MA when we were kids.  They didn't have the opportunities that I had.  So they instilled the importance of education in me with a need to be at the top.  I understand where it came from.  But I just don't believe in it today.

To me, the best at work today is doing my day and job and having a life.  Work is a means to have my lifestyle.   I know that every single person on this earth faces daily challenges.  They may be different challenges but everyone faces their own reality--rich and poor.

It's all about health

I am out of bed but it's temporary.  The pressure in my ears is driving me crazy as well as this cough and the constant sweating.  But who's complaining?  I am so looking forward to waking up in the morning with no aches or pain.  Being able to concentrate and enjoy the day.

I think the past 6 months have been not at all what I had expected and it's thrown me off course a bit.   I was hoping that my fellowship would allow me to have more time to establish my life here and settle down a bit.  Not travel.  Build a community.  Start a class.  Do volunteer work.  And some of it did happen.  But I was disappointed by my experience with Ed and I think having to deal with another pathological liar took a tool.  I took it all too seriously and the lesson is that I should have not taken it too seriously because the bottom line is that it didn't count.  Getting Ed out of my life was healthy and the fact that I acted so quickly was good.  But it still impacted my health in more ways than I had realized.

Now, I have a chance for a clean break.  No more interference.  An ability to do some good work over the next 8-9 months and figure out what's next for me.  I just want to breath again and get my stress level down.  I hate it when life gets complicated.  It shouldn't. 

I think it's a combination of mom's health and so many other factors right now.  I am so worried about her.  She didn't sound good tonight.   I just hope the doctor can finally diagnose what is wrong and can treat her.  This has gone on for too long.  And I can only imagine how frustrated she is from all of this and not being mobile.  It makes me even more fearful of doctors and surgery.

I wish I knew why my cough hurts so deeply in my stomach.   If I am not better, I have to go see a doctor tomorrow.  I am just hoping, I am better and so is mom!

I am so tired.  I haven't slept well in 2 nights now and it's catching up with me.   I am concerned about my mom and it's hard being so far away.   I had to fill in my food and fitness daily tracker for yesterday and can't remember what I ate or what I really did since I was so tired.  I just knew that it was not a super healthy diet.  And I worked out thanks to Sheila and Lucy coming by and my jumping into the pool for a while.  I was ready to go to be at 7 pm but I didn't.   

My Birthday Week

I feel guilty about not being in Toronto.  I knew it would happen and now that it got bad with the fire at mom's building, I don't know what to do.  I am sure they are doing ok and there really is not much I can do from here.  I wish there was.  I also know that if the three of us would have been together right now, it would be much tougher.  So I am trying to get perspective.  It's just awful that when mom needs to recover from her operation, there has been no electricity in the building.   The good news is that the woman whose condo exploded was not home when it happened.

I am just waking up.  I've been eating well but my stomach is off.  I was up in the middle of the night and took some drugs just now.  Hope it's temporary.   We had so much fun yesterday.  Carol and Harvey left for their cruise and we headed to the plant and flower shop.  I am enjoying the flowers and plants we got.  Apparently, this place is open 24-hours, which is incredible.  We had an amazing lunch at a tapa place.  We sat next to a group of really obnoxious guys who were so loud.  Initially we thought they were French but they were a combination of nationalities.  We managed to tune them out entirely.  I finally had my padron peppers, which were amazing.  It was a really relaxed day.

Lisa came over and it was nice to catch up.  I can't believe she is married already.  Time goes by very quickly.  It was fun to sit on the patio and shoot the shit.  And of course, some nice wine was involved.   I probably over did it.  We went to bed before midnight, which is early for Spain.

I've seen some photos of me and I will pursue my new healthy lifestyle when I get back.  I need to find a nutritionist and get with my long over due program.

Reality check

Just clicked on a link from Twitter and got to this very sad story and reality check ...

If you take anything away from reading my blog, please, take this: In the blink of an eye, almost everything you think is important in life can become meaningless and stupid.  If you aren’t in this position, be grateful, know that you are dearly blessed and pray it doesn’t happen to you.  Be mindful of focussing too much on things that aren’t important - when it comes down to it, your family is all that really matters.  Don’t be like me and require your child’s life to be at risk to realize it.  The self-loathing, self-pity and self-judgement really isn’t worth it.

You can find the whole entry and the amazing comments at http://www.phil801.com/wpblog/2008/06/10/i-think-im-in-that-anger-stage/

laughing is good for the soul and so are friends

I am finally snapping out of it and I think that it's because I finally got my period.  What a crazy emotional week this has been.  I am feeling so much better today.  I am actually going to head out of the house and run some errands.     I want to swim after my session with Greg.  It looks like it's going to be a great day.

Last night I went to the city and had a Sweet Heat at the St. Regis, dinner and comedy.  It was really fun and relaxing although I did feel like I talked too much.   But I have to lighten up and not be so hard on myself.  I feel really lucky to have met such great, down to earth people who I enjoy hanging out with so much.  There is no drama.  It's just relaxed and fun.  I wish Sheila was back but I hope she is having a great time.  I won't get to see her since I am leaving on Wed. afternoon.

We saw James Judd present his life of envy, greed, gluttony, pride, lust, sloth, and wrath.  He shared hilarious stories about trying to win his 5th Grade book report competition with My Search for Patty Hearst, his careers as a forgotten employee of AT&T, a dot.com journalist (leading to an insane night in a Chinese bordello), and as an under-prepared criminal defense attorney.

I can't believe I am going on a business trip again.  It's so strange.  I haven't missed the travel at all and it's going to be strange to back in London although it will only be 2 nights since I will be in Barcelona the rest of the time.  The good news is I get to hang out with Leah.  I am so looking forward to it.   The best part is that I don't have to run the meeting; just sit back and help in observations.  How cool.   Although, I have a feeling that I will be asked to jump in since no one can usually control this bunch.  I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

I am feeling very guilty that I won't be in Toronto for mom's operation but she also doesn't want both of us there at the same time.  She tells her friends that it's too stressful her.  I had a long chat and she told me that it was ok.  She said that she is more concerned about my stress level right now and doesn't want to be visiting me in the hospital.   I will see her for her birthday on my way back from the meeting in Italy.   She will still be recovering.  That way we each come at different times.   It looks like I am going to be away more this summer than I had expected.