Pursuing Adventures

Life Changes

Reading some of my old posts is fascinating and I find it so healthy to go back and learn about myself. I can see things today that were weighing me down before.

It has now been a year since I quit my job and 9 months since it has been official. I have spent this time:

• Healing - both physically and emotionally
• Failing fast at a start-up with crazy founders
• Enjoying time with friends
• Being lost for a bit
• Feeling disgusted with how big business works
• Realizing that all I want is a way to make a living so I can write
• Learning that I need help in getting my body back and that it takes hard work
• Allowing myself to feel

Closing the door

The last six months have been a journey to end a chapter in my life. I am very excited about starting to open many new windows. It's all in our hands. We have to learn to decrease the noise.

Last year, a "friend" told me that she may have to move back to Iran if she doesn't find a job as both her sons were going to be out of the house. My friends and family often accuse me of having a big heart and my friend in Kenya has told me that "I am too nice." And yes, I did let her in and stay with me.

It turned out to be a disaster. You'd think that after my divorce to anarcissist, I would easily recognize the traits.  But no. They were hidden by a massive passive aggressiveness and victimization. For the last 6 months, I had one of the most negative, self-absorbed and careless people in my home. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not. It was a great experience for me to be clear about my boundaries. Victims wil be victims. I stood up for my needs and while it was uncharacteristic for me, it prepared me for dealing with boundaries at work. I am done being taken for granted and being with people who just take. It was a horrible experience being again faced with someone who was 100% about them. 

Here are the emails after she FINALLY moved out - watch out for the victim mentality ...

Me: I am shocked that you never told me that you damaged the sink in my
brand new bathroom and the rust your items created on the window,
which I now have to repaint. Can you please let me know what caused
the crack as it is very deep and if you plan to pay for its
replacement. I won't even mention the rest of the stuff that I found
but these are the ones that are really upsetting me.

What I didn't say: I found a rotting banana peel in between my stuff in the garage. Who doesn't throw out their garbage?

L:I have no idea how the sink was cracked.  I thought it was cracked before I had moved in.  That's why I didn't mention anything. Eventhough I have not caused it, I'll be glad to pay for it.   I have no idea what rust you are tallking about.  I was planning to come back and clean up.  However, under the circumstances it was next to impossible.  It would be nice to stop hammering me so much.  I really don't deserve this.

Me: The sink was not cracked before you moved in and as usual, you do not
take any accountability for what you do. This constant focus on you
and your needs is consistent with everything that I experienced with
you.  I am tired of your excuses - you left a gas burner on in my
house  - I trusted you and I could have lost my home and there is so
much more. Let's just say our goodbyes and move on. I don't deserve the way you
treated me as well and I am just glad it's all over. I will take care
of the damage you caused. Please don't contact me again.

L: I agree that's for the  best.  In my lifetime, nobody had treated me the way you did during the past few months. In fact, not that many [people are capable of treating others this way.   All kinds of insults, unjust accusations and  finger pointing. I didn't want to say anything or react and I am glad I didn't.   Filtering all that, I astill thank you and wish you the best     Good bye 

The END - Moving on to positive people who know how to give and be true to their words.

First two weeks of 2011

Got home last night and so happy.  My flight landed at 8:30 pm and I was home by 9:30 exhausted.  Boy, I was so happy to see my front door and my bed.   I actually got a decent night's sleep and feel refreshed.  I had a good week in Toronto.  Mostly, because I have made a decision and I am going to do my best to stick to it this year:

Focus on what I have and ignore what I don't.  Live with what I have and take it to the next level since I have so much ...

What I learned from the Costa Rica trip is that people with millions of dollars are not happy.  They can fly on private jets.  They can pay nannies to raise their children.  They stress over getting their dysfunctional kids into the best school.   And they are miserable.  They don't have deep relationships because they use what they have as a shield.  Money can't buy what they don't have.

Now, back to me.

I have my health, my family, my job, my house, my friends, my vision, my passion, my life experiences, my curiousity, my cooking and so much more.   That's what I am focusing on ... big life lesson.

"We were robbed"

I woke up and saw that the property management people were here before 8:00 am.  I thought: "what now?"  I went downstairs and was told "We were robbed last night."  Apparently, we were also careless and slept with our doors wide open inviting thieves to come and take what they wanted.  Do we not lock our doors at home?  Why would we expect another standard when we are on vacation in another country?  And I hate it when I hear, "it's the developing world?"  Is there no crime in the US?  When does common sense prevail?

Apparently two men pulled a gun on the old man guarding the place and tied him up with shoe laces.  For his defense, he was armed with pepper spray, which was out powered with a gun to his head.  They came in through the back, grabbed any Apple product that came in their way and left.  Our friend was in bed sleeping and she didn't feel some one on her bed swiping her iPAD.  It was either her or her husband who left their bedroom door wide open and also their safe.

Was it an inside job?  They targeted three villas and someone knew that the regular guard was being replaced with an old man.  We will never know.

I was just relieved that the only thing they stole was stuff that could be replaced and did not harm anyone.

I realized that my reading glasses were also missing.  I was confused about why anyone would want my prescription glasses.  And the Neanderthal man informed me that he was on the couch so they could not have been inside.  We later learned that he was passed out on the couch and they made it around him to steal the iPOD and they took my glasses because they must have thought it was a camera ... they were lured by the case.  They were after technology and cash. 

Luckily, I was up in my room and have been very aware of my surroundings.

The drama that ensued was exhausting as we had to convince the property managers (who may I say are entirely clueless) that we need a security force to protect our safety. 

But I did see clearly that the arrogant American man was responsible for a great deal of this.  He has been prancing around town and truly portraying and living up to the stereotype of the ugly American with his Panama hat and Bermuda shorts.  

It is the end of 2010 with all its drama.  Here is to a wonderful 2011 ...

Life is messy

One of the areas I want to focus on in this coming year is being free of negativity.  I find that being around negative people makes my blood pressure go up and it's not good for my health. 

The bottom line is that life is messy.  Shit happens.  People don't always do the right thing.  It's a fact of life.  So I can either change my expectations or get frustrated.  I choose to change my expectations and go with the flow.

I feel so lucky to have my freedom and health.  There is not much I can complain about as I am in a sweet spot.   I gripe some times about how irritating work is.  But don't get me wrong.  I am thankful for having a job and it's up to me to change my circumstance.

Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for today, even though I do bitch and moan in my blog but hey, it's better to do it than keep it all inside.  And I am thankful I have a place where I can put down all my thoughts.   I want to some day be able to help a lot of people.  I feel that is part of my purpose in this world.  To help people who are not as fortunate as me.  I want to do so much more since I have seen the hope in the eyes of the kids who have nothing.

I am just thankful for ...

• My sanity and gift of thoughtfulness
• Lots and lots of common sense, enhanced by tons of life experience
• The gift of friendship -- I am blessed with wonderful and amazing people in my life
• Opportunities -- I have the ability to choose
• Freedom -- as I look at how crazy the world is getting, I feel blessed by the fact that I have the freedom to be me.  World events are getting crazy enough.  York University, where I did my undergrad, is now anti-semitic.  I was appalled to hear what is happening there and will consider withdrawing my degree if it turns out to be a university that does not like people like me.  I have the freedom and a voice.  I am lucky.  I just hope our world is one that does not accept intolerance and hatred
• If I ran the world, I would get rid of all borders.  I think there are people who enjoy complaining and hard times.  I just want peace and quiet

Here is two a year of tranquility, love and understanding.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

 Albert Schweitzer

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. The Eagles

Emotions have been raging the last few weeks and then I made the mistake of reading my horoscope, which probably applies to 10 million other people, who are all predicted to have a very lousy day.  So I just decided to amuse myself with it and move on.   I wonder when our society's obssession with horoscopes came about and how many people follow it religiously.

In a world where everyone is seeking answers, what role does a written blurb about our astrogolical sign that applies to millions of people do we follow?  

I know, for me, I let the noise in some times in my life and when I do, I have raging emotions.   When I feel centred and trust my gut (which is rather large these days), life is much simpler.

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions that have revolved around:

• My job situation - you can change jobs but you are always there.  Working with psychotic men has finally caught up with me.   And it's quite alright that everyone sees them as psychotic and the havoc they create, but they are still in "power."  Maybe I feel guilty that I didn't do anything and now they are afflicting pain on others?   The machine keeps running ... so does it really matter?  I look around and what do I see?  The assholes of the world are still in charge and the world is silent. 
• People don't speak out about injustice.  The reason is that they look at it, see how ugly it is and simply move on.  No one wants to hear or know the truth because it is much easier to ignore it than deal with it.
• People lie all the time and no one calls them on it.
• We all seek happiness and joy and yet we are silent.  My generation lives a painful existence of shutting up and putting up.  They stay in bad relationships, they delay living their dreams for work and a stupid definition of success, they fear and they follow horoscopes because so many are simply scared of being bold and living and loving out loud.
• We believe we are free and yet we put ourselves in chains.  They are called social norms.  I remember that class is high school.  They are defined as what is right and wrong.  It's the barriers and lines that are given to us by the socialization process.
• and as we grow up, I try to rid myself of these chains.

What I am trying to get to now is if I could do anything, what would it be?

 

Lost in the Big Machine

I am in one of my moods and I wonder if it is post trip burn out or PMDD?  

I had a call with a friend today and I got it.  She said something insightful.   Asking people to work in unethical environments is exhausting.  Why?  Because the people have to deal with their own values and sense of right and wrong. 

Her advice is to find the sweet spot where you'd feel the love since this is still a great place to be in comparison to what's out there.  I guess, it's all relative.  They don't prepare us for this stuff.

There is no adult supervison for the top leaders.  They can do and behave as they wish.   There is no real way to give feedback.  It's all top down and HR advocates for the company; not the employees.

Leaders are talking about transparency and accountabilty with customers but that's not how they drive their own groups.

And why do so many people stay?  Because they can't afford to leave.  No one will pay them as much.

What was the final piece of advice to me?  "The problem is that you know way too much.   Play it dumb and show them the way."

Is it any wonder I am having deep thoughts today?

What about those of us who don't have children?

Almost 2 million women without kids in the US aged 40 to 44, 27% of women with advanced degrees without kids.  A Pew study this year shows that nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.

But we never get recognized.  It's not like we all decided not to have children.  It's infuriating at work when leaders talk about what we will tell our grandchildren.  Nothing.  We won't have any.   All this bullshit on inclusion and diversity and what does it drive?  Bias and exclusion.

Welcome to corporate America and it's rhetoric.

Authenticity counts

I made a decision that changes the course of my life and I need to manage my expectations around it.  It has been interesting week since I was surprised at how many people were effected by my job change.  I had one guy tell me that he is really disappointed since I was one of the few people who looked at business integration.   When you work from home and alone, you have no idea that people care.  But, all of a sudden, when you leave on your own terms, people come out of the woodwork.  It's like everyone who says great stuff about the person when he/she gets buried and yet, they never knew any of it when they were alive.  Human nature is so complex.

I have to say that I have been really touched as this has been a very tough year of ups and downs.  The highs were high and the lows sucked.  The inconsistency was driving me crazy and the daily battles against the system were draining.  The worst part were the people who cared more about their programs and campaigns than the people.  

And the irony is that one of those people now is IMing and wants to get together since I am in the position of power in my new role.   I can't stand fake people.   The minute someone starts playing games with me, I check out.   And when I am done, I am done because I've been hurt and saw the person's real face.   There is no way in hell that I will give her the time of day in my new role.  And the lack of authenticity turns my stomach.   Had she been good to me all along, then we would have a relationship that we can continue to build.  But since she is a "user," there is no relationship and lip service is all she will get from me and I am more than happy to share my truth, if asked.  That's all it takes.

Seeing the signs

I just read a blog post that made me really sigh.  How many times have I written about the fact that I am done with high school?  This has been a really tough year for me and I have been trying to focus on what gives me good energy; and trying to reduce people and things that deplete it.

There are a lot of articles on how to declutter our lives from "stuff."  I have learned this year that it is not just stuff that we need to get rid off but also situations that are draining.  They are much harder to give away since the emotions and connections are much deeper.  

I married a narcissist 7 years ago on Sunday and it was hell.  I didn't know what that meant then.  I sure do now, which is good and bad.  The part that is really upsetting is when they are oblivious to the fact that they were not "wronged" but that they had done the same to you with no second thought. 

The good part is it may take me some time but I will see the signs and be able to not take on the crap.  Life is too short for people who play mind games and want to make you feel guilty for their own shortcomings.  Just saying ... if it's toxic, move away from the door ...

Rollercoasters

I should be sleeping but I am wide awake and feeling rotten. This past year of work has been a disappointment and in less than 5 hours I am going to tell my boss that I am leaving for another job, where I hope they will care and challenge me.  I may also be PMDDing but feeling raw and angry.  I know I need to manage it before I meet with him.Then, on Twitter I clicked on the HBR link and this said it all:

Traditional leaders see the employee-boss relationship as a transaction: money in exchange for labor. Transformational leaders know and recognize that employees want much more than that. Here are the four things your people need to succeed:

1. Love. This may sound touchy-feely, but love simply means focused concern that is exclusively for that person's good. Show your employees you care about them and their futures.
2. Growth. No one wants to be exactly where they are forever. Create a culture that allows your people to grow and expand.
3. Contribution. To feel fulfilled, employees must know that they are contributing to the whole. Emphasize the ways that their work matters to the organization.
4. Meaning. We are meaning-seeking creatures. Share a vision that demonstrates that all of your employees are engaged in a larger purpose.

They threw me into this role with no support and it has been a rollercoaster ride.   I am so looking forward to working for someone I respect and being part of a team again.  I just want to have this conversation over with and move on.  Being bitter and angry never really helps at the end of the day but all these emotions are bubbling in me.  Will anyone even notice that I am gone?

Home

Back home.  Disoriented.  I didn't sleep a lot on the plane.  I fell asleep as soon as I walked through the door although I was very worried about my sister.  She just got released from the ER with vertigo.  I so know what she is going through.   

I feel totally wiped out right now.  I think it's the work uncertainty and just wanting closure.  I need to talk to two people and both are unavailable.   Kind of sucks. 

Barcelona

I feel so at home here and it's probably because of the 15+ years of friendship.   I had such an eye opening experience last week and then I got hit by the stupidest work email that made me so angry and disappointed.  But I got over it and realized that it is out of my control.  Assholes will be assholes.  And some times people you thought you knew turn out to be total strangers.   I do not want to be friends with this person any longer as they have such a warped view of the world.  

The only thing I can change is my circumstance and I am working on it so hopefully, it's just a matter of time.  And I have so much content for my book on the gap between reality and slideware.   That's what I am focusing on as it is a futile battle.  It's just sad to me that they care more about programs than people.   I care deeply about people and I will not change that at all.

Time to shower and get offline ... more later!

Brain on over drive

I tried to stay awake.  I made it until 9 pm and slept until 11 pm.  I have to make sure I go back to bed by midnight.  Jet lag is just brutal.

I spent yesterday listening to employees and it was exhausting.  So many simple issues that if anyone cared could be resolved.  I will try to help but will write the book one day, with a friend, on the corporate machine.  One guy yesterday really made me laugh when he compared his situation to the Flinstones.  He actually made so many animal analogies ranging from donkeys to mammoths.  The sad part was that it's not really funny.  I wish I could say that someone apart from me cares. Enough about work.

What did inspire me was conversations I had about their dreams to improve conditions in Kenya.  It was then that we got excited about what is possible.  I am looking forward to meetings with people who can actually make things happen.