Pursuing Adventures

Why do we care?

I hardly slept last night.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster.   Tuesday turned out to be a really good day connecting with people and enjoying where I am.  We had dinner by the lake and I got to talk to some really interesting people, which I'll blog about this weekend.  I still want to do some research on this place based on the stories I was told by the President over dinner.

Yesterday was a very mixed day.  The facilitator for this summit sucks.   I am not sure where they found her but much more progress could have happened without her.   The agenda was not designed to get the results they seem to want and there seems to be a constant mad rush to deliver outcomes that are unclear.  This kind of frustrates me and it shouldn't.   I should just let them deal with their mess.   We had a breakout and one of the most ego driven guys and I just saw the world differently. I should have just sat down and let him stumble through it.  But it was hard to go against my nature of knowing that it's beyond this meeting; it's actually helping the world's poor and making an impact when it comes to health care.  He was more concerned with coming up with a name and logo and filling in all the templates.

What I find sad is people don't seem to question any more.  Rather, they go with the flow with a massive gap in leadership.  So what you end up with is a whole bunch of activity that may or may not have an overall impact.  Meanwhile, Mr Asshole is mostly promoting his company, which competes with mine.   And what is the outcome?  It makes me question - again - what I am doing with my life.

Because at the end of the day, the facilitator tried to give us her approach of how our teams' work all comes together in a format that made absolutely no sense.  The woman sitting next to me asked me to define what they mean by vertical and horizontal.  She is a healthcare professional and they are building models in language that she can't relate to.   I wish I shut up - again - but I asked for clarification.  The answer was the time constraint.   A 5-minute presentation was needed on what was done in almost a week.   If that's the case, take a few people in a room and come up with an answer.

The good news is that I met some amazing people who I have really enjoyed.  I had a 2-hour conversation by the lake last night with this guy who I connected with really quickly and it was fun to be able to talk to someone who has a good head on his shoulders and a kindred spirit.  I am sure many see me as quirky.  But I have nothing left to proove.  I am still searching for my meaning in this big world of ours.  Should I have already found it?   That is probably another myth I have to dispel.

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Viktor Frankl

Fish out of water

I have to say that I felt I was more around likeminded people at BlogHer than I am here.   I am starting to question large group meetings where the problem/issue/challenge is not defined.  I have been sitting here for over a day trying to figure out what we are trying to do.  You have such brilliant people who specialize in healthcare around the table.  Sitting and listening to panels, in my opinion, is not the best use of time.  I think new formats are needed to be introduced to get to innovative solutions faster.  If you have a group that has passion, you can find common ground easily.  And you need different types of formats that can be integrated like videos etc. It can spark real time examples that could lead to fruitful discussions.

It’s making me think about what I really want to do. It is my eternal question since I feel that I have gotten to where I am not by design.   I have always wanted to work in media.  I tried so hard in Toronto to find a position at YTV, which was targeted at teenagers. I was not successful so I pursued what I was good at. Not necessarily, my passion.  And I think that is truly the road I am facing. Should I stay where I am because it’s known or should I take a risk and explore a passion. Is it possible to move away from what is comfortable but not fully fulfilling and rewarding?

Getting back to basics

I am lying in bed wishing I was still asleep.  I am not sure what I really want to do today.  Part of me wants to go to the BlogHer Unconference and meet and learn from more incredible people.  But another part of me wants to walk around the city and just breath.  I am going to call the front desk soon and see when I can check out.  Ok ... got a 4:00 pm checkout ... sweet.

The good news is that I think I am much better, which will be so sweet.   What I thought was a summer cold turned out to be long and serious.   I still have pressure in my ears and I have to be careful.  Health needs to be taken super seriously and I realized that it's not ingrained into us when we grow up. At least not in my world.  I took it for granted unless someone around me got sick.  This is a turning point for me.  There have been too many warning signs in the last 2 years and I need to listen to them.   

This week is going to be busy intellectually.  I have to cram tons of information into my brain about stuff that doesn't come easily to me.  And then, I will need to bullshit like I know what the fuck I am talking about.  Am I being too hard on myself?  Probably.  But it's how I feel and I might be putting too much pressure on myself.  One realization I had this weekend was I wish I can move my career closer to what I am interested in like media or digital media.  At the opening keynote with 3 media executives, I kept thinking about how much I tried to get into that field when I lived in Toronto and was unsuccessful.   I want to work around what I am passionate about.  Is that too hard to ask?

Reflections in the fog before BlogHer

f I really wanted to blog last night when I got back to my hotel room but my attempts at logging on failed miserably.   I called guest services who connected me to Sprint support but after 10 minutes of listening to their recorded messages while being on hold, I gave up.  I called downstairs for an "engineer" who appeared at my door.  I was already in bed with my PC so had to throw some shorts on for his arrival.  I also moved my laptop from the bed to the desk.  Anyhow, this absolutely gorgeous engineer shows up and desperately tries to get me online for 90 minutes with no success.   But not a total waste :-)  I would have been much more frustrated had he not been so nice and I am online now :-)  Now, I forgot what I wanted to blog about!

I am looking forward to the conference today.  It's my first one and I don't know a soul.  I wasn't feeling great last night so I hung out with J and had a great evening at the hotel.  I didn't go to any of the parties.   I am hopeful that I am getting this bug out of my body and I won't cough a lot today.   

San Francisco is definitely the foggy city.  I left Danville at around 4:30 pm yesterday and it was 90 degrees.  When I got to the tunnel, it was 80 and then it started dropping to 70 as I got closer to the city.  May car read 66 when I got here.  It's amazing how different the weather is here in such a close distance.  I didn't really know what micro climates were until I moved to California.  I hope I won't freeze today since I didn't bring a parka.

I am at a point in my life right now where I am challenging specific areas.  I am looking for meaning beyond work.  It no longer defines who I am.  I feel silly for having given it so much of my energy for so many years when at the end of the day, there is nothing more to prove.   The challenges of people tripping over each other and creating so much unnecessary stress is ridiculous.   After Tom got sick, we spent a lot of time talking about how silly we were to get caught up and let it impact our health.   And I know that work stress was a factor in Tom getting sick and now he's gone.

Deep relationships with real people are key right now.  Yesterday was a milestone.  I got married 5 years ago on the beach in Carmel ... to a total asshole.   I celebrate that July 17th is no longer an anniversary and that I got him out of my life so quickly.  This is the longest that I have been on my own and I am absolutely loving it. 

I have a gift that I have until May to figure work out.  I can survive where I am right now as long as I don't take it seriously.  I now need to focus on filling some gaps.  Must move my big ass and head over to my first BlogHer!!!

laughing is good for the soul and so are friends

I am finally snapping out of it and I think that it's because I finally got my period.  What a crazy emotional week this has been.  I am feeling so much better today.  I am actually going to head out of the house and run some errands.     I want to swim after my session with Greg.  It looks like it's going to be a great day.

Last night I went to the city and had a Sweet Heat at the St. Regis, dinner and comedy.  It was really fun and relaxing although I did feel like I talked too much.   But I have to lighten up and not be so hard on myself.  I feel really lucky to have met such great, down to earth people who I enjoy hanging out with so much.  There is no drama.  It's just relaxed and fun.  I wish Sheila was back but I hope she is having a great time.  I won't get to see her since I am leaving on Wed. afternoon.

We saw James Judd present his life of envy, greed, gluttony, pride, lust, sloth, and wrath.  He shared hilarious stories about trying to win his 5th Grade book report competition with My Search for Patty Hearst, his careers as a forgotten employee of AT&T, a dot.com journalist (leading to an insane night in a Chinese bordello), and as an under-prepared criminal defense attorney.

I can't believe I am going on a business trip again.  It's so strange.  I haven't missed the travel at all and it's going to be strange to back in London although it will only be 2 nights since I will be in Barcelona the rest of the time.  The good news is I get to hang out with Leah.  I am so looking forward to it.   The best part is that I don't have to run the meeting; just sit back and help in observations.  How cool.   Although, I have a feeling that I will be asked to jump in since no one can usually control this bunch.  I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

I am feeling very guilty that I won't be in Toronto for mom's operation but she also doesn't want both of us there at the same time.  She tells her friends that it's too stressful her.  I had a long chat and she told me that it was ok.  She said that she is more concerned about my stress level right now and doesn't want to be visiting me in the hospital.   I will see her for her birthday on my way back from the meeting in Italy.   She will still be recovering.  That way we each come at different times.   It looks like I am going to be away more this summer than I had expected.

Shoes

You'd think that with all the travel I've done, I would be the world most efficient packer.  The truth is the more I travel, the more stuff I take with me.  Because I've spent so much time away from home in the past 8 years, I want a feeling of home at every hotel I stay at, which means lots of my crap close by.  So here I am in SF and I am just laughing at the fact that I had great intent and brought 4 pairs of shoes with me.  And I keep wearing the same pair, even today. 

I imagined that I would get up early and go for walks.  Ha! Coming back to the hotel around midnight last night did not afford me any extra time.  It is even a luxury that I am writing right now since I should be doing my hair and making my way to today's full day PowerPoint Day.  Yikes!  There are over 2,500 people here and the whole concept has lost its intimacy.   

I had a great dinner last night but will need to save it to another time.

Finding Our Way

I am reading Martha Beck's book, Steering by Starlight, that I picked up at the conference and it's amazing, there are 3 pages that are almost verbatim of what she said.  I wonder how many times she has told the same story and to how many audiences.  At least, I now know that she is consistent in her messaging. 

I am hoping its not yet another book about finding your inner voice, although she calls it your Stargazing.    But I think she is right, we have the answers inside of us.  We know what we want and yet, our thoughts get in our way.   There is so much that we are conditioned to by how we are brought up and it takes us time to unlearn them.  But not everyone, just those of us who want to follow our hearts and shed all the bullshit of right and wrong.

I know for me, my best times are when I feel centered and I am in tune to living the moment.   And then there are those times when I lose perspective and the world, all of a sudden, seems totally overwhelming.  I hate those times.  I have to understand the patterns better since I prefer the feeling of being centered and happy.  Our thoughts do get in the way sometimes.  And I wonder how much fear plays into it. 

I just did a spellcheck and realized that I was using Canadian spelling ... oops!  I was corrected.

PBWC Conference

Over 7,000 women gathered at the Professional Business Women of California (PBWC) conference on Monday to hear former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, ABC News political commentator Cokie Roberts and life coach Martha Beck, as well as KGO Newstalk AM 810 Rosie Allen and ABC7 News anchor Cheryl Jennings.  I was thrilled to be in attendance.  It was incredible to see so many women of all ages and generations.   

Martha Beck

The conference was kicked off with Martha Beck, Ph.D., a life coach and monthly columnist for O: The Oprah Magazine. Maya Angelou once said that "there is no greater agony than holding an untold story inside of you." Beck told us that each of us has a different and unique story that brings us here.  There are turning points and forks in the road that change our lives forever.

Martha Beck then shared her journey towards choosing to mother Adam, her son who was prenatal diagnosed with Down's Syndrome.  During her sixth month of pregnancy, her nurse practioner called to say that she was carrying a child with down's syndrome and there was still time to act.  It changed her life and made her think about what type of human life is worthwhile.  Experts she talked to advised her to end the pregnancy and think of it as a malignant tumor that she needs to treat.  She was even told that this would ruin her career.  But none of this experts seemed like they were leading a happy life; they were rugrats on the run.

Her choice was to keep the baby that she already had a strong connection to and who deserved to experience happiness.   It seemed to have transformed her from being an ambitious and driven academic at Harvard to a more spiritual person.

Her message to us was that we need to do what brings us joy every day.  We are conditioned to social conditions.  We don’t always pay attention to whether we are happy and we need to be more in tune with our own North Star.  When people turn to their North Star, life becomes easier because we are more in tune with ourselves.  And when we really connect with other people who are also at peace, we are undefeatable.

Cokie Roberts

Cokie Roberts talked to us about her mother and writing her new book, Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation.   She shared with us stories that revealed the strength, courage and perseverance of America's early heroines.   You can watch her at http://tinyurl.com/46h8ol.

Madeleine Albright

Ok, so this was the highlight of the conference for me.   After hearing Madeleine Albright speak, I was simply inspired by her stories and messages.  Maybe it was just a connection I felt from her stories of huddling in bomb shelters in the UK during WWII.  Although for me, my first memory in life is of war and huddling in bomb shelters at a later time in history.

Madeleine Albright was born in Prague and her family fled to London during WWII.  They returned to their home after the war but then fled again to the US when the Communists assumed power over Czechoslovakia.   She shared how she tried to fit in the US and how her parents were not very helpful in blending in.   

Madeleine Albright was confirmed as the 64th Secretary of State of the United States, she became the first female United States Secretary of State and the highest-ranking woman in the history of the United States government.  She told us that when she first walked to her new office, she looked at the pictures of all the former secretaries of state and noted that they all seemed the same apart from whether the men were clean shaven or had whiskers and beards.   “I thought the wall would shake when my portrait went up,” she said.

She shared with us that we have a role to show leadership in the world.  We each have an obligation to stop abuse of women and girls.   What she remembers most from her time in office are the people she met in refuge camps rather than meetings with high officials.  “There are those who romanticize poverty but extreme poverty is a jail.  We must attack poverty, ignorance and disease.”

Her message was that leaders play an important role beyond their day-to-day jobs.  We need to help each other more.  We need to use our jobs to improve other people’s situations.  It is more than simply doing a job.  “Multiply what has happened to you!”

I was glad I was one of the women who attended this conference and in my new leadership fellowship, I really want to be able to make a difference to impact people’s lives.