Pursuing Adventures

How much time do we spend in our lives trying to figure our life out instead of simply living?

That's what hit me last night on my drive home from a really fun dinner with a friend in Berkeley.  

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? 

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

— Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

Seth Godin

I started reading Linchpin and so far so good.  I need to start collecting my thoughts about it here  and it would be nice to be able to blog from my Kindle :-)    

Godin writes, "Every day I meet people who have so much to give but have been bullied enough or frightened enough to hold it back. It's time to stop complying with the system and draw your own map. You have brilliance in you, your contribution is essential, and the art you create is precious. Only you can do it, and you must."

And then, I find myself awake at 3 am and his new blog post arrives in my InBox and I love it:

"Quieting the lizard brain

How can I explain the never-ending irrationality of human behavior?

We say we want one thing, then we do another. We say we want to be successful but we sabotage the job interview. We say we want a product to come to market, but we sandbag the shipping schedule. We say we want to be thin but we eat too much. We say we want to be smart but we skip class or don't read that book the boss lent us.

The contradictions never end. When someone shows up and acts without contradiction, we're amazed. When an athlete just does the sport, or when a writer just writes the words, we can't help but watch, astonished at the purity of their actions. Why is it so difficult to do what we say we're going to do?

The lizard brain.

Or as Stephen Pressfield describes it, the resistance. The resistance is the voice in the back of our head telling us to back off, be careful, go slow, compromise. The resistance grows in strength as we get closer to an insight, as we get closer to the truth of what we really want. That's because the lizard hates change and achievement and risk.

Want to know why so many companies can't keep up with Apple? It's because they compromise, have meetings, work to fit in, fear the critics and generally work to appease the lizard. Meetings are just one symptom of an organization run by the lizard brain. Late launches, middle of the road products and the rationalization that goes with them are others.

Your lizard brain is here to stay, and your job is to figure out how to quiet it and ignore it. This is so important, I wanted to put it on the cover of my new book. We realized, though, that the lizard brain is freaked out by a picture of itself, and if you want to sell books to someone struggling with the resistance (that would be all of us) best to keep it a little more on the down low.

Now you've seen the icon and you know its name. What are you going to do about it?"

How can I explain the never-ending irrationality of human behavior?

We say we want one thing, then we do another. We say we want to be successful but we sabotage the job interview. We say we want a product to come to market, but we sandbag the shipping schedule. We say we want to be thin but we eat too much. We say we want to be smart but we skip class or don't read that book the boss lent us.

The contradictions never end. When someone shows up and acts without contradiction, we're amazed. When an athlete just does the sport, or when a writer just writes the words, we can't help but watch, astonished at the purity of their actions. Why is it so difficult to do what we say we're going to do?

The lizard brain.

Or as Stephen Pressfield describes it, the resistance. The resistance is the voice in the back of our head telling us to back off, be careful, go slow, compromise. The resistance grows in strength as we get closer to an insight, as we get closer to the truth of what we really want. That's because the lizard hates change and achievement and risk.

Want to know why so many companies can't keep up with Apple? It's because they compromise, have meetings, work to fit in, fear the critics and generally work to appease the lizard. Meetings are just one symptom of an organization run by the lizard brain. Late launches, middle of the road products and the rationalization that goes with them are others.

Your lizard brain is here to stay, and your job is to figure out how to quiet it and ignore it. This is so important, I wanted to put it on the cover of my new book. We realized, though, that the lizard brain is freaked out by a picture of itself, and if you want to sell books to someone struggling with the resistance (that would be all of us) best to keep it a little more on the down low.

Now you've seen the icon and you know its name. What are you going to do about it?"

Tell Me A Story

I have read a number of books on my Kindle.  But this last one took longer that I expected.  It was a great read.  I missed having a book that shows me how much I have left to read.  All I had were the dots at the bottom of the page that showed that I was almost done.

But when I got to the last page, I wanted more.  I clicked on the next page button and nothing happened.  That was it.  The end of the story that was written on those pages.  The rest was left in my mind and heart to sort out.

Love reading on my Kindle

"Shadow of the Wind is true. It's one of those rare books where you don't just hear 'their' story, it becomes your story as well. To loosely quote Caráx, "it holds up a mirror and a window to your soul," because it teaches us about who we are--about the communities that bind and define you."

"Look, Daniel.Destiny is usually around the corner. Like a thief, like a hooker, or a lottery vendor: its three most common personifications. But what destiny does not do is home visits. You have to go for it."

The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon

A Film on War and Brothers

I have come to realize that I have many passions in life; some old and true and some new and being trialled.  One of those is my love of film.   I know some people who may say on a beautiful, sunny day: "I can't sit inside in the dark on such a day."  And while one of my passions is a beautiful day, I can watch a good movie any where, any time.  It's mostly the story telling and the ability to capture an event from life that involves really interesting people and situations.   I love it when I am able to just be part of the experience and taken away from the dark movie theatre.

Yesterday I watched Brothers, a Dutch movie by Susanne Bier that chilled me to my bones. The movie is about two brothers; one portrayed as good and the other, bad.  Michael is a family man with 2 beautiful daughters and wife who has a happy relationships with his parents.   Jannick is the drifter brother who gets drunk often and has a terrible relationship with his father who is disappointed in him.  Michael is a major in the army and there is a family dinner before he leaves for Afghanistan. 

The family man leaves and ends up crashing in a helicopter.  The military informs his family that he is dead and sadness ensues.  Jannick steps up and starts filling the void his brother had left.  But what the family did not know was that Michael survived the crash and was taken captive by Afghani rebel fighters.  Michael is a hostage with another missing Dutch soldier who is so frightened and falling apart.  I won't spoil it if you want to see this movie but what I can share is that the time in the camp and what happens is horrifying.  Something Michael keeps to himself and eats him to the core until he is rescued.   He does not integrate back with his family, upon his return, and turns more into a monster.   Good and bad brothers blend and a family must recover from the collateral damage of war.

Reading Infidel makes me realize that hopes of peace lie in our heart but there is too much fanaticism out there to make it a reality.  Too much distinction between people who are good and bad.  And ironically, some times, those who we think are bad believe they are good and vice versa.

Learning About the Sticky Floor

This past week, I heard Rebecca Shambaugh talk about her book It’s Not A Glass Ceiling It’s A Sticky Floor.  According to Catalyst, companies with the highest representation of women in senior leadership positions experienced better financial performance than the organizations with less women representation at the top. 

Becky distinguished between hitting the glass ceiling and the sticky floor by saying that much of our life destiny is right beneath our own feet.  We have more control of our own destiny than we sometimes think we do!  Opportunities are never lost, someone just takes the ones you miss. And finally, Success is open to anyone who believes and goes for it! 

Here are some highlights from the presentation.  Becky outlined 7 areas of the sticky floor:

1) Driving for Perfectionism: Focus on most important tasks, learn when a job is “good enough” and move on; avoid the tendency to be a pleaser; let go and rely on your team to do the more task-related activities—allow them to also embrace “good enough” and seek feedback and use it to calibrate your own performance standards

2) Building your strategic network: Start identifying your own Board of Directors and align them around your key goals; Map out a broad and diverse network of individuals; be intentional and identify desired outcomes and the best way to approach each individual; consider the Law of Reciprocity and remember the Six Degrees of Separation

3) Making your words count: Less is sometimes better! Avoid filling the room with words, rather provide a clear and concise message and stay on it; know Your Audience! Present relevant facts and quantify statements when that data has impact, rather than just making statements; own Your Message! Avoid “I think” or turning statements into questions such as, “What do you think?;” be aware of the non-verbals; balance emotion with logic, time your contribution and have good information at your fingertips

4) Staying in one place too long-the loyalty factor: Ask yourself what you can gain or lose, short- and long-term, if you don’t take a new job; lay the ground work for future moves by networking and making your work/accomplishments, skills, and interests known to others; put together a plan: Map out what kinds of experiences, training, and exposure it will take to get the next promotion or achieve your ideal job; be willing to take a risk: Take on those “stretch” opportunities—get out of your comfort zone! Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?”

5) Asking for what you want: Know your worth: Take time to research your request and don’t just assume that someone will take you seriously; be curious: Don’t jump to assumptions about how the other party views your request or assume that they know what you want or need; make it a win-win: Create bridges between their goals/ concerns and your interests; have a back up plan; and don’t just assume or give up after the first no

6) Capitalizing on your political savvy: learn who needs to know about you—your value or how you can help or support them; determine the best mechanism of knowing what is happening in the organization versus waiting to find out; read between the lines: Understand the intention of people’s words—what they are really saying and feeling; and know how to anticipate resistance in the organization and be prepared to address it proactively

7) Managing work/life: create your personal vision: Map out your life goals, values and priorities; Don’t feel you need to do it all – set realistic expectations and ask for help; establish commitments and boundaries to help you give adequate attention to each of your top priorities; take an inventory of your day-to-day activities – eliminate those that do not support your top priorities; and for you high-achievers, remember to build your strategic life plan and not try to do everything at once

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

I want to live in a world where each person can be who they are.  A world in which people see people as who they are and where we don't judge each other before they actually know each other.  I want every person on earth to have the chance to be known for their values and what they are about rather than the labels society places on them.   I want a world where we build to our strengths and focus on the positive in people and possibilities.

Obviously, I have been reading Infidel and it has made me think so much about issues that have been dear to my heart for most of my life.   What is interesting about Ayaan Hirsi Ali's journey is how as she gets exposed to the Western world, she can have a different perspective on why people do what they do.   In the book, she spends a lot of time trying to understand the world like why Catholics and Protestants can co-exist in Holland while infighting among clans in Africa only brings conflict and death.  Reading her thoughts about 9/11 and its implications rang true.   I've read so many memoirs, biographies and historical novels on the disappearance in Argentina, Cambodia, China and the holocaust throughout my life.   It's so sad what power and ego does. 

At dinner last night, Marie was telling me about the Ken Follett 900-page book (can't remember the name) and her observation that even though it was set in the year 1,000 not much has changed since then.  My observation is that it's all the same as it involves people and human behavior, for good and bad, is fairly consistent.

Back home and still thinking about life

I had such a great break this weekend in Bellagio.  Dinner on Sat. night was so insightful.   I met a woman who was at the conference who had the most amazing life story, including living through the political and social unrest in Argentia.  I was so inspired by our conversations.

Big learning this week: the people who get you are the people you want to be around. So stop wasting my energy trying to impress people who are not worth it. I am done with people who drain my energy.   I think common "agendas" are so key.

I started reading Infidel on my way home.  It totally humbled me to my core.  Ayaan Hasiri Ali has a lived a life full of unbelievable challenges.  She is younger than me.  We lived at the same time.  Compared to her life, my life has been charmed.  There is so much we take for granted.   The stories of her growing up are so painful.  It really gives freedom a different definition and makes me realize over and over how lucky we are when we have it.  Also, the freedom to be who were are without boundaries is a true gift.  I woke up in the middle of the night because of the jet lag and read about 20 pages.  It's heavy reading but incredibly insightful.

I still need to write about Young@Heart but need to shower and start working.  I have to start delivering stuff this week and focus.  So more later ... my treat will be to come back here and write!

Exploring Bellagio

I just came back from my walk totally sweating.  It's really humid here and today will be a super hot day.  But it's so amazingly beautiful.  This is a really spectacular place on earth.  This is as close a photo of me that I will post on this blog for now but here I am walking toward Lake Cumo ... We are on a private property so I will not be able to come back here during the next few days.

Today's Realization: I don't want to care what people think about me.  But I still do and give other people too much weight.  I am still way too hard on myself for no reason.  If I can let this go, I will be able to live a more authentic life.  There are kindred spirits out there.

Time to shower again, dress and head to breakfast.  The food and coffee here are questionablee but everything else makes up for it.  I am looking forward to some nice and interesting meals.  Someone told me the restaurant at my hotel is excellent.  I am looking forward to some time to just be.  I am looking forward to reading Infidel.  It seems timely.

I have to remember to write about the stories I've heard about JFK's visit here.  I tried to find something on the web but haven't.  I will post some photos of where he stayed. 

Finding Our Way

I am reading Martha Beck's book, Steering by Starlight, that I picked up at the conference and it's amazing, there are 3 pages that are almost verbatim of what she said.  I wonder how many times she has told the same story and to how many audiences.  At least, I now know that she is consistent in her messaging. 

I am hoping its not yet another book about finding your inner voice, although she calls it your Stargazing.    But I think she is right, we have the answers inside of us.  We know what we want and yet, our thoughts get in our way.   There is so much that we are conditioned to by how we are brought up and it takes us time to unlearn them.  But not everyone, just those of us who want to follow our hearts and shed all the bullshit of right and wrong.

I know for me, my best times are when I feel centered and I am in tune to living the moment.   And then there are those times when I lose perspective and the world, all of a sudden, seems totally overwhelming.  I hate those times.  I have to understand the patterns better since I prefer the feeling of being centered and happy.  Our thoughts do get in the way sometimes.  And I wonder how much fear plays into it. 

I just did a spellcheck and realized that I was using Canadian spelling ... oops!  I was corrected.

Reading

I finished the book at 1:18 am. The first half was very slow but it picked up and was much easier to read. And it's interesting that it comes back to the theme of the enslavement of women in Afghanistan. If it wasn't for the book club discussion, I would not have finished it.
The bottom line is I need to read more. More than just on the Internet. I definitely need some coffee right now to wake up.
I just read a whole exchange on the book on Amazon, which started with a man alleging that the author was paid off by the CIA and misrepresented America's role in Afghanistan. The web has allowed for these views to be expressed with more exposure. The hatred and anger in this exchange (I gave up on page 3 of many) is evident. The book was a piece of fiction. It was not a memoir. I would have my doubts that many women would have moved their families back to Kabul in real life; especially after surviving the horrors of their lives. It seemed bizarre to me. I've grown up with "belonging" to 2 different countries and I know about those tugs at your heart. I can't imagine any woman with young children, who saw her parents blown up in front of her eyes and is living a safe life now, moving her family back to an unstable political "home." This woman, in the book, lived to tell about horrendous beatings by the Taliban for being on the street on her own and bloody battles with her husband. But it was a piece of fiction after all, and I will leave it at that.
It's not raining outside and I see glimpses of sunshine and light through the trees. I wonder if the third storm has already hit the Bay area or is this just a break before it comes down again.
Now, that I am up and out of bed, I can see that another storm is definitely coming. More than 50,000 people apparently, still don't have power according to the headlines. I am thankful that mine was not impacted. It seems like my area is hit by power outages when the sun comes out.

Book Club

I have my second book club meeting on Friday so I am trying to read A Thousand Splendid Suns. I am struggling with it since I've read better books about Afghanistan and I am not crazy about the author even though he is widely popular. Part of me just wants to stop reading it like when I tried The Kite Runner. But I am already on page 150 so I should probably do my best.

On My Own in Cabo

I just love the ocean. I find it so calming and inspiring. I can watch it fot hours on end. That's what I did last night while listening to cheesy music and nursing my Don Julio and sangrita. It's morning again and I want to go sit in my lounge chair staring at the wide blue ocean. I am almost finished reading my second Memoir this trip, Tabloid Love. It's a lot lighter read than the first book. This one is about a British woman who wants to be a journalist who comes for a 4 month exchange with the NY Post and her adventures of being single in the city. It's an easy read by the pool.
I wish I wasn't checking work email but I am disengaging more every day. I am getting over the work culture that the universe will fall apart if we don't address everything right now, which is so utterly stupid. We have choice in all of this. And my choice is that MY life is more important than the silly crises engineered by the big boys. Is it the feeling of being needed or control that drives us to put work before our very own happiness?

My biggest realization on this trip is two-fold:

1) Work cannot define me, what I am about and who I am. I am me and I work some where to maintain my lifestyle. I read an article in Ode about how our generation can make a huge difference in society by retiring to do good for other people. I want to be able to focus on more meaningful work while I maintain my lifestyle. I am not that alturistic! I want more Cabo trips and that costs money.
2) A relationship does not define me. No time during this week did I pine to be here with someone. I am not ready and simply don't have room for it in my life right now. It is not THE priority. I no longer believe that the ONE exists. The most important one right now is me. And my friends and family. I've spent too much energy in the men in my life and I've learned some hard lessons from it. And I cherish every lesson. I don't know if I will ever be with a man again. I won't compromise again. They will have to meet where I am and we'll see what happens.
I feel so absolutely happy right now. It's a turning point. Life is messy. But clarity helps a lot and my mission is to get more and more clarity. I am going to work more on my "list" today. I wish I can bring my laptop to the pool so I can write but I will lug along my trusted notebook. It just feels better to be sitting here and writing and not transcribing but the water beckons!

Waking Up

Wow … they just dropped a pot of coffee and some pastries in the cubby hole … I am glad I looked … I am just loving being here … it’s opening my mind and my heart to all the possibilities.
I am reading Without A Map right now, which is a memoir of a woman whose life changed in the 1960s when she got pregnant at 16 and was ostracized by her family and community. I can feel her pain through her descriptions of how such an event changed her life forever and isolated her from everyone. She spent 10 years after that punishing herself for giving her son for adoption and for losing her family’s love and support. She graduates high school in a secret school of outcasts and misfits where she cannot share her trauma and then just takes on life, after dropping out of college, which further separates her from her parents. She gets involved in the craze of the 70s in Boston and after realizing her love is not there for her, takes off. She intends to go to India via Amsterdam but ends up, hitchhiking and wandering from Europe to Turkey to Lebanon and Syria. Her descriptions make her sound like a ghost of a woman who is punishing herself for losing her son and the love of her mother and father. Until the action of a poor woman allows her to stop punishing herself and reclaim her life. I am still only on page 125 of the book but am taking it all in. I find some of the descriptions of her mother and father difficult as it is as though it is only meant for them and I am an intruder. I think I will finish the book today.
The coffee woke me up … great timing … I am going to head down soon but not rushing it at all. I am just enjoying being and not giving in to the expectations of what it means to be on holiday. For me, it’s just about doing what I feel like.
One of the guys told me a story last week in Girona about how he bought a boat and felt that he was financially successful. And then he met a man who had a much bigger boat than him. When he asked him what he did, he said, "I am in tiles. It's a great business since everyone who buys a new house wants to remodel and I am wealthier than I ever imagined." His morale was that business is not just about the intellectual. It's true. This is what I need to figure out and soon. How do I maintain my lifestyle and make money to support it. I've already been successful by society's terms. Now, I want to be happy living my life. How did I get to be 44 and not shed some of the stupid beliefs and barriers?

Life Coaches

I watched this segment on the surge in life coaches on CBS Sunday Morning and it made me think about my own very brief experience and the Paulo Coehlo book I am reading. It seems like searching and seeking are big themes in our lives. We are told to have dreams and make them happen but so often, those dreams are not our own. They are fabricated by society. And when we realize that, we start feeling lost. Not knowing what we really, truly want. We were taught that sitting still is not acceptable. It's all about achievement and success.
But that is such a bunch of baloney. Sitting still is exhilarating. Stopping to breath is essential. All these books about 500 things to do before you die do not produce happiness. So what if you get to all 500? Does that make you a better person? Does that give you fulfillment? It does if you are living your life for others. But if you are true to yourself, those "lists" of achievements are entirely irrelevant.
A friend recommended a life coach who can change my life. I had one very expensive session with her and my learning was that she can't help me. The answers are within me and only I can get to them. And when I saw her weep during a guided medidation session at that awful workshop I attended in April, I realized that she needs to help herself first.
If someone wants to hire a life coach, that's great. I just want to live between the lines.