I am so overwhelmed right now. It's partly because I am so tired and partly because last night was a bit too much for me. I am not sure how I can even explain it in words as all I want to do right now is just cry.
I was really tired. I tried to nap but my phone kept ringing and people had to talk to me on Friday afternoon. It was very frustrating since I was trying to get some stuff done. I wanted to get together with some friends I had not seen in a while because I just love being with them. I got invited to an already planned event and went along. I prepared my part of the meal and went over to dinner. But when I got there, I found out that it's just the two of us, which was ok. But my friend was so wound up because she made the meal and set the guest table that my being there was not enough.
What ensued was me being very rude to a good friend. But I was so tired and pressured that I wasn't thinking. Who would want to get an invite to a dinner party at the last minute? I was definitely on another planet. And I felt so bad for being such a fucking jerk. Would I not be insulted if someone did that to me? Absolutely!
Oh well, I fucked up and luckily my friends know me well enough that it was my evil tired twin sister who would do such a thing.
Anyhow, my head was spinning from advice I got last night. I became so overwhelmed and know my friend had a good intention. But I was tired and wasn't ready to hear how I need to go see therapist. And just because all my past experiences of trying this path out bombed, I was told that there may be someone out there who could help. And I got a list of folks who are seeing therapists and how much it is helping them.
But I didn't ask for help. I like the journey of trying to figure things out and growing by taking a wrong turn. There is no real destination. This is it. I am happy with who I am. I can go to new heights but there is no rush. The only person who has the answers is me.
I love my friends but I think some time they project and I just shouldn't take it personally.
Ok, I am going to go enjoy my Saturday and file this in the "don't sweat it" file.
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