I have been stressing about stupid things lately and the realization of that very reality has made me feel even more stressed. I thought that I had turned the corner on all the bullshit. And here it was again, staring at me again. Stuff that really doesn't matter, and I know that it doesn't, has been getting to me. Like what? Like the stupidity of my car doors not locking and the fact that 3 Audi professionals managed to convince there was an issue when in reality it's a "special feature" for my safety. How much energy did I waste on it?
Last night I received an email from a guy I don't really respect. It was the end of the long weekend and I did not engage in an email battle. He was questioning my approach on a project and wrote that they all were successful before I got there so they can continue with what they have. My first reaction was to get upset and let it eat at me. But after 45 minutes, I realized that he has some major issues and it's HIS problem. I won't chase him. I just won't be able to include his programs in what I am doing. It doesn't impact me. But for some reason, even though my head knows that these people are not worth the effort, my heart has been feeling some pain.
On Friday, I was upset by a flurry of emails about not getting feedback on my work this past year and was kicking myself for what I had put in, realizing that it's just not worth it. I found myself crying a number of times and shooting off short emails that conveyed my disappointment. And yet, why did I expect someone who just isn't capable to do the right thing? And then, I started to stress about managing my expectations.
I did send an email to the only person I feel actually cares about me right now and sees what I am doing. The response I received from her meant a lot: "I hope it doesn't turn out that you don't get the feedback. I still hope he is planning on meeting with you beforehand. It is a shame to take someone like you who works so hard, with so much passion, so effectively and then ignore the best opportunity for saying "thanks" and providing the appropriate reward. I can thank you for your contributions and work on behalf of the Non-profit organizations you have supported and partnered with. I wish I could hand out the rewards as well!"
I need some rest. I need some time to just be and breath right now. I seriously dream about taking a whole chunk of time off to get back to my healthy self.
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