Pursuing Adventures

The last two days were rough.  Feelings of resentment were strong and PMDD hormones were absolutely raging.  And I was entirely consumed and overwhelmed.

Enough

I am just sitting here with tears in my eyes.  Way too much going on right now.   Part of it is this work baggage, which is symbolic more than anything.  Then, I am so fucking sick of getting all the father's day emails about what to buy him for the special day.  Well, he is dead.  And I am buying him NOTHING so can someone please stop sending me all the reminders?

Dysfunction is alive and well

Tuesday morning after a long weekend.  I realized yesterday that what I am feeling is resentment.  I have agreed to help right now but in reality, it's just not right.  It's reminding me of why I don't want to be there.  There is so much I want to write about but I can't due to our blogging policy.   All I can say is that it absolutely sucks.  I need to get out in exactly 30 days.  It is painful to say the least.

I need to figure out what's next.  What makes me happy.

What matters?

I am sitting here knowing that I need to shower and start getting organized for the gathering.  But I am stuck sitting here.  I have no reason to be feeling the way I am and I know it.  I think I feel like I've gone a bit backward by being dragged into my old job and that world.  It's bringing back a lot of emotions and unresolved issues.   I need a plan to make sure I don't get roped back in.

And then my new gig will take off this week since key folks will be back and I need to carefully manage them.   My big learning is how to put myself first while meeting others' agendas.   I need to regain that clarity about what I really want and that is the nut to crack.  Finding just one class of something that I'd like to learn or get closer to.   

What really matters?

We get sucked in way too much and no one prepares us for learning how to follow our own path.  That's my focus now.  No one can help me get there. 

Cooking up a storm

I feel ready bad since I didn't go to Saulsalito today.  I had every intent but some times intention is simply not enough.  I think there were 2 key factors: I was feeling a bit under the weather since I didn't sleep well and I was just tired.  I ended up sleeping for 2 hours in the middle of the day!

Once I got up, I started prepping and it was so much fun.  I made marinades for the Argentine flank steak and the rosemary lemon chicken.  They both need to be grilled today.   I then made potatoes with leeks, shallots and garlic that need to be crisped today and yams with honey.    The orange beet salad is ready and so are the Catalan mushrooms.  I still need to make the Thai curry halibut and jasmine coconut rice.   I figure there will be plenty of food and leftovers.  It's a tradition to leave my place with food.  I always thought I'd have a big family and that my kids would take leftovers home for the week.  This is the next best thing.

Lazy Sunday Morning

Having the perfect cup of coffee and waking up.  I wish the sun was out.  This is such a contrast to last weekend where we were frying.  It would be nice if it was more consistent and didn't go from hot to cold to supreme heat. 

The truth is that it doesn't matter as this morning I woke up remembering last year where I was in agony from my shingles.  I am sighing a sigh of relief that I am on the mend and that I can be around people.  I wasn't allowed to be around people for a whole week and had to cancel my Memorial Day party.   The party tomorrow is on, rain or shine.  It will be nice to just chill with friends.

It was fun to go grocery shopping with Sheila yesterday.  I just love spending time with her.  It's always so relaxed and the time just flies by.  It seems we have a good time whatever we do.  I feel so lucky to have met her and have some a good friend who lives close by.  It's going to be hard when she is away for so long but I am so excited that I get to take care of Lucy.  She is going to stay with me next weekend!!!  I am not sure if I am ready for the 5 am wake ups but it will be great :-)

Ok, I have to run to the store and pick up charcoal and a couple of other things I didn't get yesterday.  I also need to clean the grill so I will probably have to shower twice, which is not good when we are rationing water.   

What's the point?

I have a few friends who have wonderful relationships so I know it is possible.  But they are unique and very lucky.  Do they have their issues?  Absolutely.  But they are able to get over themselves and see the prize.   

The truth is that I don't know a lot of happily married couples or people in relationships.  I keep hearing stories of baggage with new relationships and boredom with old relationships. Yesterday morning, a friend was telling me how his relationship was good until 6 pm the night before when the woman he is seeing had a jealousy rant.  His crime?  Too many female friends.  Now, he knows that she is insecure and will have a very jealous side.   He is a good looking guy who has female friends.  What does she expect him to do?   

I can't imagine in being in one of those relationships right now.  I don't need the stress and that's what I told him when I asked.  I have no interest in dealing with that bullshit right now.  My first priority is to get healthy and better.  I don't have any energy for the dance.  It would be great to have a fun companion but the trouble of meeting someone like that is not worth it for me right now.

Following my own drum

I never imagined that it would be so challenging to figure out what I truly want and keep all the noise out.  And I think that what I am going through right now is dealing with some disappointment.  Since I was a teenager, I've written about setting my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed but I have never really mastered it at all.

I have all this wisdom that I have gathered through an exciting life.  And yet, I feel stuck.  Part of it is milestone.  A whole year has passed and I don't seem to be where I thought I would be.  It could be that I am being too hard on myself, which is something I have mastered.  This week has been one of introspection rather than action.

Last year at this time, I was back from Istanbul thinking the pain in my left side was some bad stomach virus.  When in reality, it was an outbreak of some nasty bout of shingles.   It hit me right between the eyes and totally paralyzed me.  Since then, I have made some very important changes in my life.  But not as many as I would have liked.  I want a better health regime.  I want more energy to be out there and less hibernation.  I want an idea of what's next.  I want to make more of a difference.

At dinner on Wednesday in the city, Am told me that she doesn't see me going back to my current job. We made a bet. They both told me that I am not what they think of as a corporate animal.  And how relieved they were when they met me in December that I had a sense of humor and perspective.  It was good to see them and that they are doing so well.  It just shows us that it's always good to get out of a bad situation with abusive assholes.

And yet, I don't feel that it's enough.  I want so much more.

Not really present

This week has been really rough for me/  I've been mostly numb and frozen.  There is no other way to really explain it.  It's as though I've existed but haven't really been here all the time.  No, this is not sci fi.  Just how I have been feeling, if you can call it feeling.

I came off 2 crazy weeks.  Monday I was just exhausted.  I was walking around like a total zombie.   Getting on calls, sending emails and just watching the grass grow.  I wanted to go to sleep early but I kept getting emails from London and then at 10:15 pm my phone rang ... it was work.  I wasn't going to answer.  It was obscene.  I finally fell asleep and had a call 10 minutes after I woke up at 6:45 am.  I just don't think anything is that important and I am surrounded by people whose whole definition is from what they do.

The rest of the week is a blur.  I am angry at myself and trying to figure it out.

TV is just one source

I was waiting for the girls at Ozumo and ordered myself a nice glass of wine.   Right besides me were these two Brits.  I tried to tune them out but they were loud.  They were complaining about all the travel they were doing to the US.  I sat there quietly and laughed.  That must have been 6 months ago in the UK.   I guess there is balance in the universe.

Then the complaining began.  First, how awful US TV is and what cracked me up was that they were criticizing a US show, House, where a very well known Brit plays the leads.  They then dissected US News and how when you are here, there is nothing happening in the rest of the world. 

I've had so many discussions on this topic.   When I first moved here, it was so strange how much of the news was local.  I am thankful for the Internet to supply me with a global view of the world.

How can I tell something is wrong?

I can't seem to write and watch mindless TV.

Life is too short

Wow ... it's 106 out there.  I couldn't stand it and came back inside.  I had my laptop and even though I was in the shade, I couldn't see my screen.  The truth is I am tired.  The last 4 weeks have been non-stop and I need to breath.  I saw Greg today and he said that my body is "bracing."  It is trying to protect itself. 

I realized this week that if I can, I just want to surround myself with real people.  I may need to define real because I have such a specific definition of the people I tend to enjoy and connect with most.   I guess the best way to put it into words is to say that I always know where I stand with real people and they are always in the moment.  Some times I talk and some times, they do.  I care about them and they care about me.

This week I had 2 experiences with the type of people who turn my stomach.  The first was someone who just talks about himself and is a legend in his own mind.  Never asks anything about me.  I had tolerate him because he decided to sit next to me on the bus to the Moscone Center.  I was so relieved it was a short ride.  I successfully avoided him.

The other has always been this way.  I realized this week that the only reason people are close to him is because of his title at work.  He has no real friends at work.  He may have some buddies but never gets close to anyone.  And he was such an asshole this week.  He doesn't listen and treats people so disrespectfully.  I can't tolerate it any longer.  I am so happy to be back home and focus on me again.

I am going to start my favorite activity today - jump in the pool!  Yay!!!

Shoes

You'd think that with all the travel I've done, I would be the world most efficient packer.  The truth is the more I travel, the more stuff I take with me.  Because I've spent so much time away from home in the past 8 years, I want a feeling of home at every hotel I stay at, which means lots of my crap close by.  So here I am in SF and I am just laughing at the fact that I had great intent and brought 4 pairs of shoes with me.  And I keep wearing the same pair, even today. 

I imagined that I would get up early and go for walks.  Ha! Coming back to the hotel around midnight last night did not afford me any extra time.  It is even a luxury that I am writing right now since I should be doing my hair and making my way to today's full day PowerPoint Day.  Yikes!  There are over 2,500 people here and the whole concept has lost its intimacy.   

I had a great dinner last night but will need to save it to another time.

Was it only one day?

I have so much running through my head and very little time to write now.  I have to be in the lobby of the hotel and head to dinner.  I am so relieved that I am skipping the formal event and am just chilling with a friend.  A whole bunch of guys were peeved at me that I didn't organize an event tonight but I did in a more intimate fashion.  I may see them later but I need some down time right now to chill. 

I don't know if anyone else can understand this but today has felt like a whole week and not simply one day.   I am not sure why but maybe it's because of where I find myself right now?

I have to brush my hair, throw my jacket back on and head downstairs ... hopefully, I'll have more time to type later ...

Getting back on track

I was just thinking in the shower about my level of stress and tolerance.  I definitely need to make yoga a priority as I need to learn how not to be so affected by people.   Being sick so often recently is scaring me.  I need to get my health back and that means reducing my overall stress.  I think the two are so connected.  I got an email from Karen about Steve's memorial and we started corresponding.  In one email she just spelled it out: stress kills or in her words: "Stress is the #1 killer- causing alllll sorts of disease so the advice to you is GETTTT OUTTA a toxic environment! "

I think I am expecting myself to be 100% better right now but I am still sick.  I can't keep pushing myself.  I need to take the time to rest and heal.  I want to do good but not at the expense of my own health.  I am tired of everyone else's agendas and that's what I am reacting to this Sunday morning.  I need to focus on simplicity.

Yesterday, while I was not feeling 100% I moved some of my blog entries to this blog.  It was mostly from April-August 2007.  Wow, it brought back so many memories and I can't believe a whole year has passed since I came down with shingles.   It made me realize that I need to focus on today and tomorrow and get back to finding my way.   The last 5 months were not at all what I expected.  And ironically, I still don't have a routine.