Pursuing Adventures

Shock

I am just speechless.  Amy called me today to let me know that Chris died.  I still can't believe it.  He was at a conference in Denver and was skiing today.  And now, just like that, he is no longer with us.  I just can't believe it.  I was driving home from Carmel and was in total shock when she told me.  I still can't comprehend it. 

Why Am I Awake?

It's 6:00 am and I should be sleeping for another 45 minutes but for some reason, I've been up for a while.  And now that I think about it since I am tired and still feeling a bit stuffed up, I am popping a Benadryl and seeing whether I can get more sleep.  There is no need to rush to SJ today.  It was a great intention but not entirely necessary.  I have nothing left to proove to anyone but myself.
I was on the second section of traffic school when I heard some rustling at the back door yesterday.  I looked over and thought it was Mike dropping off my mail.  When I looked over, I was confused.  I walked out and it was Mike but a smaller version.  He has lost 50 pounds and dropped from a size 42 to 36.  He looked younger and the best part, he told me he was feeling better and it showed.  I love it when people take control of their lives and take care of themselves.   He made a number of important life changing steps and seemed so happy and proud.  I am so glad that I got a chance to see him and catch up.   
And I realized this week that I need to get healthy on a number of levels; not just physically.   I have set a new goal of focusing on the positive around me.   It is not healthy to let someone who is damaged influence my stress level.  I am learning to walk away.  And yesterday, I even let someone advocate for me and not get myself deep into the mud.  It was such a great feeling and was also easy.  Does being right really matter?  Sometimes it does and other times, it doesn't.  So being able to recognize where to invest is key. 

Sucking Down Ricola

I think I feel better but I am definitely sick.  I don't understand where this came from but I do know that the timing really sucks.  I am just going to have to fight it with whatever I have.  I am going to finish my tea, shower and pack.  I am taking too much stuff but I can't really think right now.   
What is scaring me is that I am having nerve pain where I had my shingles.   I hope it's nothing.
It could be the disappointment I am going through.   I just can't believe that I had to spar with another pathological liar and that a person who believes that he is doing good can create so much angst.
It's time to just breath and let go.  And breathing is not as easy with this cold

8:50 am
I realize that I torture myself for no reason with silly thoughts and feelings.  Is this something everyone does?  How can I stop it since it is absolutely ridiculous?
I need to finish packing and head to the airport.   I wish I wasn't driving but it is what it is.  There is no way I can handle BART in my current state.

Getting Better?

I hate being sick.  This one caught me by surprise.  I organized going to the Berkeley Rep to see Carrie Fisher's show.  Ten of my friends went and I was sick in bed.  I got dressed and was waiting for Sheila and Pete to pick me up.  As I was waiting, all I can think about was lying down.  I decided to stay home.  I gave them the tickets and went back to bed.   I slept for 3 hours and now I am drinking broth.
We had planned to go out right after and I didn't want to rain on their parade if I needed to go home.  It is what it is.
I feel totally alone though right now.   

Is it Allergies or A Cold?

I hate being sick.   It kind of scares me.  It's 9:42 am and I am still in bed.  I am going to need to shower soon since I have a 2 pm play.   I just want to be better for LA.  It's just cruel.  I was sick last time in LA and I don't want to replay that.   It was smart to stay home yesterday and just rest.
I should probably do the same today.  I may just go to the play and come home.  I have the tickets.  Who knew that this would happen?
It must be the stress of the last few weeks.  Or I may have just been infected by someone who did not wash their hands.   The key now is to just get better.

Rollercoasters

I really hope I am not getting sick.  I woke up feeling absolutely awful and only rolled out of bed at 9:30 am.  It's a good thing I can.  I hope it's just allergies.  I just canceled my session with Greg since I am super sluggish and have a headache.  I think recent events are catching up with me.  It has been absolutely draining.  I just can't be sick.  I am supposed to fly to LA on Sunday and I want to have a great time and just forget about every thing and hang out with my sister.
I am going to get some soup and get back into bed soon.  My immune system is still not 100% and stress impacts me immediately.  It's not a joke.  And that's why I am taking it seriously.   
I am just so ready for a new chapter with real people who are focused on building.  It's interesting how much we react to the people who are destroyers.  That has to change.  Their opinion should not count and they should have zero impact on us.  We all want to see them "get theirs."  But does it matter?  Not really.  It's most important to get them out of our lives.  The fact they will go into their patterns and make others miserable is sad.  But the good news is that it doesn't matter.  The key is to get them the fuck out of our lives.  Whatever happens next to them doesn't really matter.  Maybe we've all watched too many Hollywood movies or TV shows?

Talking to Tom yesterday was great since I have been trying to reach for a while.  He called me in November to tell me that his cancer is back.   He said he just woke up after sleeping for 3 days.  I am not sure if he called to say goodbye and didn't want to tell me how sick he really is.  I cried so much when he told me that he loved me and thinks about me all the time.  I wish there was something I could do but he lives across the country.  I can just send him positive thoughts and hope he is not suffering too much.

Please, No More Drama Queens!

If someone accuses you of something and you have absolutely no respect for them, why would you still let them get under your skin?   I am so tired of self righteous people who always lash out.   As I get older, I tolerate less bullshit.  This past year, I have gotten closer to people who are giving and know how to be friends and have cut ties with people who suck my energy.  I believe that I should not waste my time on people who don't understand how to give and take.   
I've had a wonderful weekend.  It was relaxed and full of good times and laughs with great friends who are some of the most decent people I've met.  I came back from an afternoon in Alameda and found a hateful email from someone who I am trying to get out of my life.  Ironically, he accuses me of doing things that I have not done but that he has done.  I know I should feel sorry for him for not having self awareness but I can't.  I am tired of these people.  They just waste your time.  There is no reason to respond.  I am done and will never contact him again.    If they treated me well to begin with, we would never be here in the first place.  If they were professional and ethical, all would be well right now.
This is my life.  I have the right to decide who is part of it.  We are raised to believe that we are lucky to have a job, family, etc.  But in essence, my work place is lucky to have me there bringing my skill sets.  I am lucky to have a good job but it's a two way street.  I don't know if the education system somehow beats us up on what is acceptable or not.  But, early on, if we do something that is considered "unacceptable" by the system, we get punished.
I remember that when I was 12 I was expelled from school.  I was in art class and finished drawing my picture.  I was not very talented.  I did my best.  The teacher came by and asked me if I was finished.  I told her that I was and she picked up my drawing and started yelling at me, "you call this a drawing?  This is awful ..."  I didn't hear what else she had to say as I noticed that everyone stopped drawing and were intrigued by what was going on.  I felt awful because I did my best and here was my teacher criticizing me in front of my entire class.  I ended up giving her a piece of my mind back and being sent to the principle's office.   When I told my dad what happened, he felt bad for me and called the school.  I was not punished.   I ended up getting a few days off to stay home.
I wish we were brought up with more freedom and less rules.   

Tomorrow is a new day with a new focus.   It breaks my heart that people say they want to change the world and do good can't be good to their own people.  It's kind of sick when you think about it.

THIS is the Destination

I am supposed to be looking at the new opportunities so I can decide which one I think is most relevant.  But to be honest, I am not ready.  I need to breath.   When I woke up this morning, I realized that I need to make it about me now.  For the last 90 days, I have been dealing with someone who creates havoc in other people's lives and he does so because people allow it.   It's our choice.   I put a stop to it in my life and I am not responsible for what others do.   That was the big lesson for me.
Initially, I was going to drag out the inevitable and then realized at dinner on the weekend that there is no reason to do so.  When you are done, you are done.  This is especially true of women.  We tend to not always stand up for what we believe because we were brought up not to wake waves.
Baby, at 44, waves are wonderful.  Bring them on!

I also feel really lucky to have spent the last 90 days with these two wonderful women who are amazing and give me faith in Gen Y.   They are solid and full of life.  And hopefully, will not be bullied for much longer.   Meeting them was a gift and I hope they are able to bounce back quickly.   Life often provides us these frustrating opportunities so we can grow and realize what is truly important.

One of the important lessons I've learned is to not give people power until they really deserve it.

Can Liars Please Come with Warning Labels?

Is it possible to protect yourself from liars?  I wish they came with BIG warning labels: In case I am living in my own reality, be aware I am a Pathological Liar.   Wouldn't that save all of us a lot of time?  These folks create so much unnecessary stress in so many people's lives.

These liars often embellish their stories in a way that they think impresses people. What's so wonderful about them is that they believe their own bullshit.  And when you don't buy into it, all hell breaks loose.  And they try to convince you that there is something wrong with you.   I really hate them since they disrupt your life if you allow them.  But it takes time to know that you are dealing with them.

How do I know?  Not only did I marry one but I just ended a brief work related relationship with another one.  The first one lasted over 6 years and the latter was a full 90 days.  I am proud of myself for showing that I have learned from my past.  And that Harold Kushner was right, there are no mistakes, only life experiences.

I am in such a good place right now that I am not worried about what's next.   Breathing and not getting too caught up is key.   It will all be ok for me.  He can't hurt me.  I won't let him.

9 minutes to go: the truth did set me free

I signed up for Twitter today to get the hang of it.   It's pretty cool but within seconds, he connected to me and it was so eerie.  I will block him later today as I am not interested in what he is up to. But this entry he has on it says it all and why I should have no regrets ... He just thought that I would be an extra pair of hands doing whatever he wanted; he never committed.  And I was not there to bring paper clips.  He avoided me all day on 4/13 in reviewing the strategy and in less than 140 words I understand it all now.  Here is the big revelation:

hanging in woodacre thinking about what it really means to plan 36 months forward in social media--36 minutes, maybe, but 36 months......... 02:16 PM February 14, 2008 from web

He should stick to philosophy and think about other people's life, for a change.  How totally selfish it is not to consider my time.  And it is possible to do a 36-month strategy for social networking, especially if you want to survive and get funding.  I am glad I had that glimpse into his truth.  Life is never dull.

No More

Where do I start? Maybe just write what comes first.
I had a really fun weekend. At the last minute, I decided to take advantage of all those points I accumulated and stayed at the St. Regis. It was great to get away and yet be so close to home.
I think a lot of my ability to relax was based on the fact that on Thursday it became clear that I can and move on. I have a this week to let the PM know that I realized on the weekend that I am ready to move on. At a fabulous dinner on Sat. night at Le Colonial with Tina, I realized I can just leave without any drama. Since I am not an employee, when I am done, I am simply done. And this chapter is closed. Another pathological liar is alive and well in his own reality making other people's lives a nightmare.  But no longer in my life.  I am moving on.

It's been 18 years

since my dad died and I am feeling sad tonight.

Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life