Pursuing Adventures

How to demotivate in 1 easy step

What an interesting day. The best part was that I could work from home.I finally figured out what they wanted me to write about for the proposal. It has been really difficult to understand what he wants because he is not used to working with people and so much resides with him. It was obvious that he totally ignored all my work from last Wednesday. What this tells me is not to invest unless he specifically asks. He is also a last minute guy which is not conducive to teamwork.
His wife was apparently sick and he had to take care of the boys. I've never been a job where I knew so much about my colleagues’ family's health. I guess it's the intimacy?
At around 2 pm he was pushing for a call. I had just received everything for the first time and was trying to get through it. Apparently, he was under pressure because he had to take his kids to baseball so we got on a Skype call. Unfortunately, I need to reinstall Skype because I am unable to participate on the calls. We all are on the call and tell him where we are.
I was stunned. He goes ballistic. It was so unprofessional.  He was yelling.
"I don't feel like you are collaborating with me. I don't know what you are doing and what structural changes you are making blah blah."
Here we are working like crazy at the last minute because of him and he goes off this tirade. I just wanted to send him what I had--raw--and let him finish it and get the grant on his own. I was speechless and never felt so unmotivated. No one said anything and that got him going even more angry. I was glad that Skype kept me from commenting.
I saw that he called me on my cell when I was on the phone at 5:45 pm but I was done for the day. I am not going to be treated like this and let him stay up all night rewriting it. The irony is that this is what he put into his version as the outcomes, which gives you a different impression of who he is:
In 2008 M will deliver 250 million unique monthly users to our services. We will crush global ignorance and create widespread global enlightenment. People will be happier. Babies will cry less, in both English and Arabic. Poems will be more beautiful. Lovers will not quarrel. Colors will seem brighter. Dishes will break less frequently. Gas mileage will, strangely, also improve. Polar Bears will not drift to sea. I will sleep. There will be peace.
I am learning to put myself first and focus on me. But, I am human, and just stunned that I am even writing about this. I can't wait for the weekend.
I am starting to work on my own plan ... motto: whatever ...

Late night Skype Chat

[10:55:07 PM] E says: A, I hope you know that I always come from my heart....I am sitting here with bloodshot eyes looking at a doc that is in many ways very good, but which has tons of really substantive changes that add up...and way to many sentences that simply are not grammatical--
[10:55:50 PM] E says: I am caught between 'don't make changes and lose the goodwill of the staff' and 'make the changes you must'
[10:56:14 PM] A says: I was going to edit it but lost steam after the call today
[10:56:19 PM] E says: "Organizational sustainability remains our first priority and we are asking for funding to create that organization in 2008."
[10:56:41 PM] E says: yeah it needs lots of editing...
[10:56:55 PM] E says: I am through about 50% of it.
[10:57:05 PM] A says: the goal is sustainability of what we build so we can execute on the technology
[10:57:29 PM] E says: I just wish I at least had a track changes version...
[10:57:51 PM] A says: I leave it in your hands because I was really impacted today and feel that it's your call. I would have done a lot more editing had we not had the call with your outburst
[10:58:12 PM] E says: yes, I of course agree with the sentiment, but the sentence makes no sense.
[10:58:27 PM] A says: but I think everyone expects you to make changes
[10:59:09 PM] A says: what I am saying is that I would have done a lot more editing if I didn't feel de-motivated after the call
[10:59:14 PM] E says: I think it is good and I am open to lots of the changes.
[10:59:51 PM] A says: you own it so I trust the changes you make - it was just a way to get the thoughts there quickly
[11:00:02 PM] E says: I am sorry about that.
[11:00:24 PM] A says: that's ok - I know you have a lot going on but I am just saying what's on my heart and I am also tired
[11:00:53 PM] E says: I thought it was really clear that F had her work cut out for her yesterday on the stuff and didn't need to guilt me about taking the doc offline to work through the outline.
[11:01:13 PM] E says: we are both tired....
[11:01:43 PM] A says: yes ... and I am happy to take a stab at better editing in the morning
[11:02:03 PM] E says: let's pick this up in the am...I am going to give up on getting this to M tonight.
[11:02:31 PM] A says: ok - I think a call walking her through it verbally would also be good
[11:03:09 PM] E says: that's a good idea.

I can't believe he has issues with grammar ... and can't see beyond that. Does he think they will be evaluating the proposal on that?

Sunday morning

Just waking up and happy to see the light of the sun since it was pouring in the middle of the night. Last week was tough. My horomones influenced most of it. And I am much happier today when I feel so much calmer. I realized last night that there is so much more than I need to get over. It's hard to shed years of programming of what's right and wrong. It's not easy.
I did something really stupid yesterday and I am trying to just let it go and move on.

A PMDD Rant

Why is sleeping so difficult? I'd like to sleep through the night for once. I think part of it is that I am getting my period. I have to snap out of it.
The weather sucks today and I need to get into the city but will do it after my call with M today. We'll see if it really happens. I just looked at his calendar for today and it's packed. I am no longer a priority for him as I don't do his work. Should be interesting. There is definitely something brewing over there and I can sense a lot of changes coming.
Ok ... laundry is folded. Shower taken. Breakfast consumed. Stress is high. Anyone who has never experienced PMDD has no idea how frustrating it is. I want to scream right now. Why? Because I feel like I am about to explode. Everything is irritating me for no reason. Not a good day to go into the office at all. I am so on edge that it is scary. Why? No idea. It's like there is a monster inside of me. And now that I am writing all this I just want to cry. Why? I have no idea.
I just talked to M. He is busy with other priorities. I am not disappointed because I totally anticipated it. No big surprise. Things are good between us. I don't really need anything.
By the end of March, I need to know what I am doing next and that will keep me sane.
I am going to start my campaign of meeting with people locally. I am going to start setting up meetings next week. I also need to choose about 10 blogs that I monitor and comment on. I have a plan. I can breath. I should breath. But this PMDD feels like it's choking me and I am short of breath. Time for Alleve.

Pissed

So I am a bit pissed. I would have loved to be home today but I am in the office and no one is here. This is the second time and my last. I am going to move to work at the St. Regis lobby if he does not plan to come in today. Driving over here, I realized that I am slowly peeling the onion on where I am and what I want to change.
I need to get involved with some stuff inside my company and the business community. This is not going to let me get to where I want to go and that's important to realize.
I am trying to breath since I am pissed that he is not in the office but I think it's a combination of PMS and just being frustrated with me not being a priority. Or maybe it's realizing that every place is dysfunctional?
Ok ... so he is on his way to the office ... but this is not right.  I don't feel that he treats me like his partner because it's all about him. Better get some work done!

This is Why I Made the Right Decision

LONDON (Reuters) - Work really can kill you, according to a study on Wednesday providing the strongest evidence yet of how on-the-job stress raises the risk of heart disease by disrupting the body's internal systems.
The findings from a long-running study involving more than 10,000 British civil servants also suggest stress-induced biological changes may play a more direct role than previously thought, said Tarani Chandola, an epidemiologist at University College London.
Heart disease is the world's leading cause of death. It is caused by fatty deposits that harden and block arteries, high blood pressure which damages blood vessels, and other factors.

Monday Monday

I am half awake. Going to drink my coffee and go shower. Patricia is supposed to come so I need to move my ass so she can clean the house. I still want to be asleep quite frankly. I did my usual 4 am wake up for an hour again. I would love to sleep through the night again. I feel like I am really not here right now. I am glad that today is a holiday.
I am a bit more awake now. It's raining. I do love all the birds in the backyard. Yesterday, I watched a squirrel trying to drink from the pool and making his way on the edge. It was very cute. Although I do wonder why we think squirrels are adorable, while I find rats to be disgusting. Even though I did see Ratatouille on the plane.
What I am really enjoying these days is being home. I don't miss the travel at all. I would be on a plane right now had I not made this change. There is yet another management meeting on Thursday in London. And they moved the March extended team meeting to 3/3, which would have meant that I would have had to move Amy's 50 birthday celebration. The cost of my last job was very high. And slowly, I am creating a new life for myself. It does not happen over night.
At least, I am back having a life since my cough is still here but not keeping me at home.

Frustration with Reality

I am feeling very frustrated right now. Did I make a bad decision?
The answer is no, if it was about changing my life in terms of health and being home. I am not traveling at all and I am able to start thinking about how I build my life and community. I am home so now I need to fill in the blanks of pursuing my interests - joining a Board, attending lectures, theatre, film festivals, walks, etc. I also want to start writing now that I figured out an idea for a book.
The answer is yes on the intellectual part. I am not a back office person and I am not here to manage the organization. I found out so much on Wed. about the state of things that it has made me reflect a lot. It also made me a bit angry that I didn't do my full due diligence. Although with all my travel, I just needed to breath again.
I want to start pursuing my needs about what I want to with my life. The question is how do I take the talent I have and leverage it to improve my lifestyle and happiness. At this age, I need to master my life.
I am going to take Monday off and have a long weekend focused on me. Maybe my friends can help me think through this tomorrow.

Getting Better

I am finally starting to feel human again. I feel like the last 3 weeks just passed me by. It was as though I was present but not really there. It's nice to be back; PMS and all. I hate being in the fog. It makes me absolutely crazy.

What Matters Most

This is what I need to figure out and live the rest of my life by: what matters most to ME. I am totally fed up with all the noise in the system and the bullshit out there. The unbelievable self importance useless human beings assign themselves. Whether it's relationships that are work related, business related or personal, it is so evident that we waste a HUGE part of our lives on the dynamics piece. And it's absolutely ridiculous at the end of the day.

I was just talking to a friend who is struggling with her job. My heart goes out to her and hope she can win the battle.  But this is where the business world comes up with metrics like productivity that end up being calculated by dividing profit by the # of employees. And yet, to the employee it is about how much they achieve in their role. Employees cannot be productive when their organization is ruled by bullshit and bad leadership. They have no idea where to best focus as the goals are unclear.

Side Effects

I finally went to the doctor on Friday. It was a good visit, especially since she was as thrilled as I am about the life changes I am making. It's my road to health.
I went to pick up the antibiotics she prescribed and took them without reading through the side effects. And who needed to read them since I've experienced many of them?
The worst has been the constant fatigue. I feel like an old lady. Then, there is all the awful stomach challenges. Then, I read through 44 reviews on WebMD and discovered tha the bad taste in my mouth is also connected. I have 2 more pill so hopefully I will be new and improved soon. This is why I don't like meds. You take one to help cure one ailment and it always creates new symptoms. I guess the good news is that I am not coughing.

What is So Important?

Since I have limited time now before I run out of the house to a full day in the city, I will make this brief. But I have to get it out. I need more time to write about my "adventures" yesterday later.
So I got home at 11:00 pm and hooked my laptop up. There was an urgent email to my Linkedin account:
OPENLINK: YOU HAVE A NEW MESSAGE
From: Mike
Date: 1/08/2008
Subject: Need to chat with you....
A, I hope all is well with you and that your life is going well. I need to speak with you about something important. When you get a chance please give me a call.

So all I want to do is go to sleep but this is the second time I hear from him and all that runs through my mind is does he have to tell me about some disease he has and that's what is so important? I didn't want to be wondering all night so I picked up the phone. I couldn't call him on my home line because he didn't accept blocked calls. So I went to the kitchen and grabbed my cell phone. I was pissed. What was so important after eight years?
I was very matter of fact and told him the only reason I was calling was to find out what's so urgent. I was so direct and it felt great. I barely remembered his voice after not being in touch for 8 years.
Here is what he wanted. Could I be a character reference for him. He has a son and has been falsely accused of being a violent and dangerous person. There are allegations of domestic violence. And since we lived together for 2 years, I would be a credible witness to testify.
A sigh of relief. He wants a favor. I was done. I told him I'd think about it and get back to him.
But I knew that I had nothing good to say about him and don't want any one's drama. So my next contact was sorry but no.

Demystifying

Can people truly be happy for each other? Is there truly such a concept of teamwork and collaboration or is it all just a facade? I've spent so much time in the corporate world that I just don't believe the bullshit any more. It seems more and more that you have people who have independent goals and aspirations who band together to achieve their own personal power and control. It's very much like the political arena. There, the "leaders" need to go lobby their employees and constituents to convince them that they are only there to make their company/country/city/etc. successful. They are merely instruments. And the lemmings continue to buy into it instead of realizing they need to get what they want.
We move from being surrounded by our family units to going to school where the community and our parents "teach" us right from wrong. Depending on where you are socialized, you will gain different values and pursue different paths. I was sold that happiness comprises of being "good:"

• Having degrees and being "educated"
• Having a good job
• Having a family: husband, 2.5 kids, home, picket fences, etc.
• Being the anchor for my husband
• Being involved in the community

What I wasn't taught and had to self learn is that happiness comes from within. It's no Jerry McGuire fantasy. No one else can ever "complete" you. There is an abundance of books on happiness coming out every day. Why is it so difficult for humans to just be happy? Is it because we have to first unlearn all the bullshit that was fed to us? Do we spend too much time trying to figure it out instead of living? Are we too preoccupied with notions of success and failure? I was watching a bit of a reality show yesterday and couldn't get over the fact that so many of the women were totally insecure and lacked basic belief in their capabilities. I can't watch too much of these shows but they do give you a glimpse of what people struggle with today.

Reading

I finished the book at 1:18 am. The first half was very slow but it picked up and was much easier to read. And it's interesting that it comes back to the theme of the enslavement of women in Afghanistan. If it wasn't for the book club discussion, I would not have finished it.
The bottom line is I need to read more. More than just on the Internet. I definitely need some coffee right now to wake up.
I just read a whole exchange on the book on Amazon, which started with a man alleging that the author was paid off by the CIA and misrepresented America's role in Afghanistan. The web has allowed for these views to be expressed with more exposure. The hatred and anger in this exchange (I gave up on page 3 of many) is evident. The book was a piece of fiction. It was not a memoir. I would have my doubts that many women would have moved their families back to Kabul in real life; especially after surviving the horrors of their lives. It seemed bizarre to me. I've grown up with "belonging" to 2 different countries and I know about those tugs at your heart. I can't imagine any woman with young children, who saw her parents blown up in front of her eyes and is living a safe life now, moving her family back to an unstable political "home." This woman, in the book, lived to tell about horrendous beatings by the Taliban for being on the street on her own and bloody battles with her husband. But it was a piece of fiction after all, and I will leave it at that.
It's not raining outside and I see glimpses of sunshine and light through the trees. I wonder if the third storm has already hit the Bay area or is this just a break before it comes down again.
Now, that I am up and out of bed, I can see that another storm is definitely coming. More than 50,000 people apparently, still don't have power according to the headlines. I am thankful that mine was not impacted. It seems like my area is hit by power outages when the sun comes out.

Book Club

I have my second book club meeting on Friday so I am trying to read A Thousand Splendid Suns. I am struggling with it since I've read better books about Afghanistan and I am not crazy about the author even though he is widely popular. Part of me just wants to stop reading it like when I tried The Kite Runner. But I am already on page 150 so I should probably do my best.