Pursuing Adventures

Inspiration

What is it about tonight that has made me so reflective?
Is it possibly all the changes I am undergoing?
Is it being around a person who so believe in what he is doing that he is dedicating himself to it?
Is it because for the first time in a very long time I feel inspired?

Reflections by the Fireplace

Things don't happen all at once. They usually take time. How strange that is. What I am learning now is how to breath. It's not that easy. There is much to overcome.
I haven't made the transition from mind to body. I am feeling bad that I am not doing much for my body. It disgusts me right now and yet, I do nothing. Because I am so exhausted. The spark is not there yet. And I am so hard on myself. I don't know how to not to be hard on myself.
Why did I buy into the bullshit for so long, even though I always really knew the truth? It has been staring me right in the face. We live in a corrupt world and we get caught up with right and wrong in a world that has no justice.
Often, people think they are fighting for a cause and yet, am I too cynical to question it. I've lost family and friends to wars. It was a matter of survival; they were fighting their own wars. It wasn't about ideals. As we've seen with so many wars, the ideals that are fought over are false. It's either about wealth or ego or both. We witness it every day; it surrounds us if we keep our eyes open.
There are still some noble people who feel they can change it and make it better. If it wasn't for them, we'd all be screwed.
There is no understanding often in families. Children fight with their parents more and more as they get older and become teenagers. They grow resentful of rules and feel oppressed. Men and women marry and yet some struggle to co-exist. Recently, a colleague referred to his wife, the mother of his two children, as the "cow he is now stuck with." Another shared with me that he is on the cusp of a divorce if he doesn't show more interest in his family than his passion around work.
Our world is full of people who care but hypocrisy, unfortunately, is alive and well in our midst. Is there something we can do? Haven't millions already tried? It's all a theatre.
Some of the battles I've fought have been futile. Some at work and some at marriage. Now, I see it clearly and wonder was it worth it? The answer is no. It doesn't matter. It's about learning to know who you are and not compromising.
Does it matter how other people view the world? For the last two years I've felt under appreciated. It was in my own head. Mostly, because people don't know how to communicate and I didn't go around fishing for compliments. I had no idea and went to the depths of self reflection.

Any Good News? When Do We Learn?

I am sitting here with the perfect cup of coffee reading the headlines:

Old U.S. Allies, Still Hiding Deep in Laos

Pardon Reported for Saudi Rape Victim

And shaking my head, wondering why there is no good news in the media. If I spent a few hours just reading through these headlines, I'd be asking a lot of questions like how much have humans evolved? We may have tons of technology but we repeat history, which is the biggest shame.

I watched Cautiva yesterday and was so moved by it, and as always saddened by the human capacity for corruption and hatred. Here is a summary of it:

Argentinean teen Cristina's life turns upside down when a judge summons her and reveals that her real parents had "disappeared" for political reasons years ago. Ordered to leave the couple who raised her and move in with a grandmother she's never known, Cristina struggles to understand the truth of her life.

What was scary is that she grew up with parents who kidnapped her from her real parents who "disappeared" and she had no idea what happened in her own country until she gets summoned by the judge. It was so powerful as it showed this devastating crisis from a number of perspectives: the grandmother who lost her kids and granddaughter, the daughter who is conflicted by the love of her "parents" and discovering the truth and the kidnappers who feel they have done no wrong and gave a child the safety of a loving home. I've read and seen many films on Argentina in the 70s and I am just glad they are being made.

Speeding?

What's the last thing in the world that you need when you are driving for a much needed massage? Well, today, I got my first ever speeding ticket. Apparently, I was going 37 in a 25 zone. But I was on the phone with my mom and told her I was driving 20 so I need to figure out what to do ... but the funniest, when I got to the spa, there was no one there. Erin arrived late and apologized for being late because she just got stopped for a ticket!
Luckily, I made it back home in one piece.

Sunday morning - week #2 of my new life

Wow ... I actually slept through the entire night. Maybe going to bed at midnight helped a lot. Just sitting here with my morning cup of coffee, waking up.
I can't believe a whole year has passed and what I am thrilled about is that I am better for it. I made it happen. This year has been tough with so many lingering, big issues. There were times I felt in crisis. Last year I was drained and right now, I feel so energized with possibilities. This year showed me that being true to myself is absolutely key. I didn't realize that I was selling myself short. I let go of being caught up with what is expected and started moving towards what I want and what I believe success is. And it has been such an amazing relief but not at all easy either.
Last night, I realized that not much has changed when it comes to teenagers. I heard the girls who are supposed to be A's friends being described as bitches because all they do is get drunk and hook up with guys. It seems like there has not been much evolution, which is so sad. There is still the deception that it's all about relationships. This culture still seems to be about boys and girls rather than personal fulfillment. The girls who don't play this game are not popular. And those of us who are older know the truth. It doesn't matter.
We grow up with the myth of relationships and are never fully prepared for them. Lately, people have been asking me about whether I am working on my third husband. Every time someone brings it up, I wonder why that is so important to them. I need to be healthy first. The last relationship was so awful that I need a break. It didn't solve anything and brought so little joy. It bogged me down and made me ill. I never want that again.
2008 is all about health for me - emotional and physical. I want to get back in touch with myself and not be in a rush. The big achievement will be pacing myself and living each and every moment the way I want to. That will be the gift. I want to release myself from the chains of feeling fulfillment from the corporate machine. Spending a year with a non-profit will sure help. I also know that emotional health plays a huge factor in how the body reacts. So building my immune system back and taking care of myself is more important than ever. It will help me get into the best physical shape of my life.
One of the keys is managing my expectations and being able to breath.

One Full Week at Home

Breathing is key. I didn't manage this transition and it has been a bit weird. Some people have shown a tremendous amount of passive aggressiveness. And I have to remember that I have done nothing wrong. But I think it's a matter of people feeling that it's not fair that I get to do something I enjoy. Now, what's wrong with that?
EVERYTHING
I had a session with Greg today and what he said resonates with me, "this choice you made is about saving your life." I haven't thought about it like that but he is totally right. I am getting off the roller coaster of having my job as the center of my life. Everything surrounded my trips. I had a revelation on my last flight that there is so much more to life. I am going to travel, in class, for fun. All the addictive elements like mileage programs are irrelevant. They don't matter. I watched some of my colleagues who were in the top Lufthansa club (330,000 miles per year) being obsessed with maintaining their membership because they got all these benefits? But, at what cost? How many days of their lives do they spend away from their families and their life? It's such a twisted concept when you can stop and think about it. And now, it's great because I can stop and think.
I am sorting through a million feelings and what's key, again, is breathing. I have to allow myself to transition and not just throw myself into what's next. It's so important to pace myself and not rush. I have years of exhaustion to get over :-)
Last night at dinner, the first question I was asked was "how is your love life?" My response was "it's the last thing on my mind right now." I've only been back home for a week and half of that time has been super jet lag. I want a community right now; not a relationship. I would like to have more male friends and hopefully, I will make that happen.
Time to get dressed and head to Amy's.

Jetlag

Even though I went to be later than usual, I woke up at 4:30 am. I am hoping to try to get a bit more sleep. But my brain is churning. Ed called me yesterday to say that he has to deal with some internal management issues so I didn't go in for my orientation. It's now on Friday. It worked out well since I got to work from home and take it easy.

It was great to see Jackie yesterday and just catch up. I hope she has a great trip home but comes back quickly!

perspective ... yet, again

Made it home late last night and managed to delay the funeral for 3 days until we all got back... believe me not an easy task..... The funeral will be held today.
Even though as you very well know my father was suffering from the Alzheimer disease for more than 15 years and in the final years had not any quality of life whatsoever it is still very difficult to realize he is gone. I feel relief for my mother and for himself while on the same time have a lot of sadness that he had finished his life this way and a lot of sadness that the kids could not benefited from having him around them when they grew up.
I did not managed to say goodbye and thank you for your great support during the last 3 years we worked together but I guess you are not really gone and we will have time to meet. I will be in SJ on the week of the 7th of January - if all goes according to plan

And Yet, More Perspective

I just talked to Tom and I am all smiles. Talk about perspective. The guy survived leukemia and cancer ... and still has a great sense of humor. He always makes me laugh. We get along because he calls it like it is. I remember the first time I met him. I was pitching him on signing my company up for a consulting gig with his organization. I was pretty nervous but we hit it off right away. I spent months and months with him in Charlotte, NC. He was great when he followed me to my next job and let me continue the work in '98. Most of all, I am just glad that after all he has been through, he still has a sense of humor.

How Did I Do It?

Guess I over did it. I dropped from exhaustion yesterday and couldn't move. So I just gave into it and slept. I came back so excited that I was in full swing and forgot that I needed some rest. I don't think that I will ever be able to return to the lifestyle of the last 6 years. It was utterly insane and addictive. Because there were so many other people, the travel seemed normal. But in reality, it was truly insane. How many days have I missed because I was in the air? And I am sure it wasn't too good for my health. For example, I've been home for 3 days and my nose is still bleeding. This was always "typical" after flying.

Flying Home from London After 2 Weeks

The meeting yesterday is OVER and I am DONE! It was unbelievable. People working so hard and for what? I had to edit the rest out ...

The United Global Services agent who met me when I arrived just stopped by. She reminded me of my trip here and told me that when she went to the office that day, she was mortfied. Apparently, the agent in SF wrote a very detailed report about what happened and how badly it was handled. He even criticized management. She is actually very lovely and they are lucky to have her. She said she'll come see me off at the gate.
My ear is hurting. I'll take some benadryl when I get on the plane. I am exhausted
There are so many things I want to start that revolve around my health-both physical and mental.
I realized yesterday that often with life experience, we start seeing things that were previously fuzzy. We may know they are there but don't want to really see them. But when the blinders come off, it becomes glaringly obvious and you wonder, what was I thinking? And you realize, I wasn't really thinking.
Off to my last flight for a while ...

Last Day

Today is my last day on this job and I am so happy. It's been an exhausting two weeks and tomorrow I get to fly home and start the next chapter. I can write a book about what I've been through.
I have to be careful now since I am in the meeting room and I have a feeling they will use my PC to drive the meeting. It will start late and will be all over the map. I can guarantee it. Checking out. So many people told me they were surprised that I still cared and worked so hard. But it's being me and living my values. Unfortunately, I have to take classes in how to do something half assed. And the irony is that my standards have dropped so much in the past few years. It's true that wisdom comes with age. I now fully understand it
I wanted to write about the taxi driver today who told me he has 5 million pounds ... but must go

Heading to the last Hotel

Ok ... so I am up and showered. Almost finished packing ... again. Just need to get dressed and get ready for this week. Last night, I realized that it's almost over. I am almost done with this bunch of bullshit and now it's just about trying to do my best and knowing that it's over. What a great feeling and a relief. Five more nights at the crappy Sheraton Skyline on Bath Road and ta da ... I am home ...
I have done nothing about my my new position since I have been here but I have not been in the right mind space. I am looking forward to the gathering on Sunday and it's keeping me sane.
Ok ... must get ready to head to the office ...

Weekend in London

Just loved Spamalot ... I really need to plan a trip to NYC in the spring with a lot of theatre. I just absolutely LOVE it. I laughed so much. But I am ready to go home. I guess whenever we get too much of something, we get tired of it. And for me, I've had an excess of business travel. I can tell the difference between this trip and my time off in Cabo. Although I am sure that if there was a beach out there and hot weather, I'd be much happier.
I woke up early but fell back asleep. I just had some food in my room and going to shower and go for a walk. I need to do some work today and just get it over with. I may take my laptop to the bar to do the slides.