Last night, I felt all alone in the world. It's not close to reality at all but it is how I felt and I have spent a lot of time examining the concept of alone. It's not always a negative in my books. When I was in Greece in October, I read a book that helped me see how much the voice inside our heads (how we were programmed into the world) impacts me and what I need to change. I made a list of words like alone/loneliness, boredom, routine, etc. - all that had negative connotations but when I think about them today, they have totally different meanings. And yes, there is a reality that is not within our reach. The universe makes events happen ... we send energy into the universe ... there is so much not in our control. My father died because he wanted to live up to pure truth and justice, which does not exist in this world. But it existed for him and obviously, worth dying over from his world view.
I can be beating myself up now for having lived through 2 marriages, which society would deem as unsuccessful. Instead I focus on what I can learn from it and commend myself for having the courage to try and the strength to walk away when it was not meeting my needs. It's how I cope.
JD finally moved out last night. He still believes it is a trial separation. I am re-organizing my house. When he left, he turned on the security alarm so the minute I moved around, it went off and almost gave me a heart attack. The shrilling noise of the alarm hurt my ear drums (they are still hurting) ... it was quite the ending ... very symbolic.
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