"You know everything that you needto know about someone in the first 15 minutes of meeting them and spend the rest of the time trying to undo that correct first impresion."
London, Red Carpet Club
September 17, 2005; 1:13 pm
What else can be said? Not much, really. We just keep spinning because there is no middle ground. We both want very different things. Enough.
You threatened me that you will make my life hell and will stay in the house for a long time. I continue to be so disappointed. Your patterns are the only thing that seems to be consistent. You say one thing and do the opposite. I never know what will happen next apart from the fact that it will be totally contrary to what you promised and what you said.
I respected your time with Sam this summer. I told you I would not get in the way. But now, I have to say that due to your behavior, there is no reason for me to put your daughter and you ahead (again) of me and what I need. I have done so much for Sam and I am done.
You told me and apologized for how badly you treated me. You apologized for a lot and even last week, you apologized for your breakdown at the mediation session, where you told Meryl that she cost you your love and life with Gail. I am tired of apologies. I am tired of this situation. I am tired of being told that I am wrong. I am tired being told what I should feel. I know what I feel and what is in my heart.
I want my peace of mind back. I want some quiet.
I don’t want any more lies. You sent me an eloquent email on your story with ML O’Coole, telling me that you want to come clean as you lied to me about Gail. In your email, where you claim, to be sharing the truth with me, you say you slept with her once after her father’s funereal. What about the weekends in Las Vegas? What about your love for her like no other woman? What about her being your Clarissa when you tell me I should read The Hours because it reminds you of US. What about her lingerie and the flirty emails? You said you had nothing to hide on your PC and I can look any time. Every time I looked, I was hurt by finding something. Maybe we have different definitions of the truth and different ground rules? If you are checking up to see if I am on match.com and SF Gate, why is it that you have registered as currently separated? Lies, lies, lies.
You write me in your most recent email that I am the most ethical and good person you know. Does that mean that you assume I will forgive you for all the hurt and the pain? If I am so ethical, why the endless accusations of having an affair? Can’t you finally get it that it is YOU and my belief in you that have failed me. I had a big piece in trying to believe in you. I may be caring but I am no longer naïve. My eyes are wide open.
How can I believe anything you say? Your actions speak for you and they are not very trustworthy and compelling to me.
You told me that you’ve hurt me enough and you want me to be happy. But I know that I can’t trust that. It’s all about you. I can’t be in this relationship. I deserve my own happiness free of lies and deception.
You leave me no choice. I truly pray that this does not turn into the divorce from hell but it will largely depend on your actions.
Money is not worth life and the ability to finally have some peace of mind.
My big learning is to put myself first and not to blindly fall in love because of what ‘could be.” Always keep your eyes open to what is there now, today.
I should have walked away and never turned back when you told me about Gail in March 2002. But I didn’t. I am here now. I am stronger and have a stronger sense of self to know that I prefer being on my own than in a destructive and deceitful relationship.
His Clarissa
Who is mlocoole?
She's a longtime friend and onetime flirt, someone I now think of as my kid sister who was separated at birth. Defintely a mensch.Mary, Fred and Mike all worked with me in Pleasanton. I was the first to leave, taking time off to write my first book, and when the company didn't honor my leave of absence agreement I went on to better things.
Mary left next, moving to San Diego and a high paying job with an client. Shortly after the move, she divorced her husband and became a single Mom of three kids, Dean being her youngest. I think Dean must be 17 by now, and Mary feels guilty for being glad that Sean was not in the wrecked car. We lost touch for years, then 9/11 struck and Mary emailed me, wondering if I had been in NYC.
We've been catching up on kids and significant others ever since. Her life has hardly been a fairy tale, but I was glad to learn recently that she's about to get remarried to her high school sweetheart. His name is Jerry and like good Catholics they are living in sin.When Mary's father died from a heart attack almost ten years ago, I went to San Diego for the funeral. A lot of drinking at the wake and funeral, per Irish tradition, and out of pity and tenderness Mary and I had one groggy night of mischief. Not a good idea. We agreed the next morning that is was an honest mistake, shook hands, and carried on with our lives at different ends of California. Back then both of us were newly divorced and raw nerved with grief and somehow we managed to stay friends afterwards.She ended up moving her kids to a desert town north of San Bernadino after her Dad's death, living on a cul-de-sac across the street from her mother. Her brother bought a house in the same neighborhood and Mary, being a good Irish Catholic Democrat, calls the place the Kennedy compound, minus the Kennedy fortune.
We lost touch about two years after my book came out. She was in a bad relationship at the time, and I told her over the phone what I thought of it. Probably too honest. Maybe I was goaded by Gail's insecurities and jealousy that I maintained contact with Mary (something I thought this new relationship would outgrow -- ha!). The result was a long silence until 9/11 reunited old friends via the internet.
I'm going to all this trouble to tell you I am very fond of Mary, but nothing more. After what you've been through with Gail, I didn't want to gloss over any past relationship. The Stupid Male Handbook instructs me to keep it on the low down, but I don't feel comfortable following that rule book anymore. Maybe this is all too much useless information. But I need to err on the side of unnecessary disclosure from now on, only to maintain your comfort and trust. If you and Mary ever meet on my next book tour, I want my wife to know everything in advance. I love you, J
-----Original Message-----
From: ***@aol.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 12:15 PM
To: O'Coole
Subject: mrs. dalloway
In a message dated 8/17/2005 12:02:14 P.M. Pacific Standard Time, motoole writes:
Why do I always have to sit next to the exes? Is this some kind of a hint, sweetheart? Anyway, shouldn't the exes have a table of their own, where they can all ex together in ex-quisite agony?
Don't follow this part ... are you making table arrangements for my funeral?
I'm not so self reliant, Mary. Contact with you is very important, knowing that we share(d) so much that no one else could possibly understand. I don't think I've felt closer to anyone, before or since. Clarissa and Richard in the novel reminded me of us in many ways that I didn't see before. It doesn't sadden me, though. It warms me to know, the way it warms Clarissa, that there was once in a lifetime I really connected.
JD
And there was more ...
In a message dated 4/25/2005 11:25:41 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, motoole@ writes:
Will be in Sac tomorrow night for a Wednesday meeting.
...my brother is on the phone and has asked the eternal question: what are you wearing?
From: Mary
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 11:40:02 -0700
Now or at the meeting....oh well, the answer is the same....black and lacy (or is it lacey???)...as my favorite writer often told me, if you're not sure, pick another word....black and thin.
From: A******
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 2:37:30 PM Eastern Daylight Time
Wish I could see that for myself, but work calls. A little more notice next time. When do you fly back?
As Oscar Wilde said it for me, I can resist anything but temptation. Especially when it comes to striking blondes in black lace.
Have a safe journey, amiga.
JD
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