Pursuing Adventures

Life Changes

Reading some of my old posts is fascinating and I find it so healthy to go back and learn about myself. I can see things today that were weighing me down before.

It has now been a year since I quit my job and 9 months since it has been official. I have spent this time:

• Healing - both physically and emotionally
• Failing fast at a start-up with crazy founders
• Enjoying time with friends
• Being lost for a bit
• Feeling disgusted with how big business works
• Realizing that all I want is a way to make a living so I can write
• Learning that I need help in getting my body back and that it takes hard work
• Allowing myself to feel

Trust

Trust is so fragile. You let people into your life. You never see their true face often because 1) you choose not look at it or 2) they have perfected their ability to hide it.

But when you either decide to look at it or they drop their mask and the truth is staring you right between the eyes, look and decide.

For me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But if you cross the line, I am done. And rebuilding the trust is usually not an option.

Why Fairytales Are Not for Kids

“So you’re six years old, you’re reading ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,’ and it becomes rapidly obvious that there are only two kinds of men in the world: dwarves and Prince Charmings. And the odds are seven to one against your finding the prince.”

Emily LevineEmily Levine's theory of everything

Going with the flow

Everyone is so obsessed with the future; of what comes next. Life is so much more meaningful when I focus on today and my needs and wants. 

Am I not successful because I don't have far fetched goals? I am clearing space in my house this week and I found so many useless books that had no answers for me -- just more questions like "why the hell did I spend money on this trash?"

The minute I started unlearning, my life took a turn to finding more meaning. It's not about what's next. It's about today. Today, instead of running errands, I went and got myself some lunch. I am changing habits. I want to feel weightless. I want to clear the space so I can write more. There is so much I want to say and share.

Closing the door

The last six months have been a journey to end a chapter in my life. I am very excited about starting to open many new windows. It's all in our hands. We have to learn to decrease the noise.

Last year, a "friend" told me that she may have to move back to Iran if she doesn't find a job as both her sons were going to be out of the house. My friends and family often accuse me of having a big heart and my friend in Kenya has told me that "I am too nice." And yes, I did let her in and stay with me.

It turned out to be a disaster. You'd think that after my divorce to anarcissist, I would easily recognize the traits.  But no. They were hidden by a massive passive aggressiveness and victimization. For the last 6 months, I had one of the most negative, self-absorbed and careless people in my home. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not. It was a great experience for me to be clear about my boundaries. Victims wil be victims. I stood up for my needs and while it was uncharacteristic for me, it prepared me for dealing with boundaries at work. I am done being taken for granted and being with people who just take. It was a horrible experience being again faced with someone who was 100% about them. 

Here are the emails after she FINALLY moved out - watch out for the victim mentality ...

Me: I am shocked that you never told me that you damaged the sink in my
brand new bathroom and the rust your items created on the window,
which I now have to repaint. Can you please let me know what caused
the crack as it is very deep and if you plan to pay for its
replacement. I won't even mention the rest of the stuff that I found
but these are the ones that are really upsetting me.

What I didn't say: I found a rotting banana peel in between my stuff in the garage. Who doesn't throw out their garbage?

L:I have no idea how the sink was cracked.  I thought it was cracked before I had moved in.  That's why I didn't mention anything. Eventhough I have not caused it, I'll be glad to pay for it.   I have no idea what rust you are tallking about.  I was planning to come back and clean up.  However, under the circumstances it was next to impossible.  It would be nice to stop hammering me so much.  I really don't deserve this.

Me: The sink was not cracked before you moved in and as usual, you do not
take any accountability for what you do. This constant focus on you
and your needs is consistent with everything that I experienced with
you.  I am tired of your excuses - you left a gas burner on in my
house  - I trusted you and I could have lost my home and there is so
much more. Let's just say our goodbyes and move on. I don't deserve the way you
treated me as well and I am just glad it's all over. I will take care
of the damage you caused. Please don't contact me again.

L: I agree that's for the  best.  In my lifetime, nobody had treated me the way you did during the past few months. In fact, not that many [people are capable of treating others this way.   All kinds of insults, unjust accusations and  finger pointing. I didn't want to say anything or react and I am glad I didn't.   Filtering all that, I astill thank you and wish you the best     Good bye 

The END - Moving on to positive people who know how to give and be true to their words.

Surprise others; surprise yourself

Sometimes, we can get so used to playing our roles that we get boxed into a certain way of being, and that can be restrictive for us—along with letting others take us for granted. Try breaking out of a particular role and see how it feels. What role do you play in the outside world? What sort of role model are you? Has the cloak of authority become too restrictive?

Shake things up a bit. If you’re the one in charge where work is concerned, try offloading some responsibility. If people are used to you behaving in a predictable way, try changing just one little thing and see if it makes you feel different. Keep an eye on guilty feelings and refuse to berate yourselfcfor any mistake you think you might have made. Move away from the victim stance of guilt and toward the empowering position of courage.

You never really know people

Me: "I can't wait for it to be Saturday already."

L: "Does it matter? You work all the time anyhow."

Wow, did she just say that?

Chinese New Year for the Rabbit: Hang out with Pigs and Sheep :-)

Rabbit (1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999) 
The creative Rabbit thrives.

Rabbit persons come out of their year of challenge in 2012 and will enjoy opportunities for moving to a new home and traveling. Avoid getting involved in other people's business to prevent falling into a trap and being unfairly blamed. This potential trouble with others can create stress that leads to illness.

Focusing on meditation, health, and peaceful endeavors is key to enjoying 2012. In particular, isolate yourself from relationships with those born in the year of the Rooster, for they could be filled with conflict and love stress. Similar awareness should be exercised with Dragon, Horse, and Rat persons. Traveling and spending time with Pig and Sheep persons brings happy times.

It is a good idea for Rabbits to focus on their health this year. A powerful longevity Chi Art such as Path of Longevity) placed in your bedroom will bestow healing energies upon you. More time exercising and hiking in natural environments will also be beneficial. Honing your culinary skillsand green thumb are opportunities to learn about better nutrition and are therapeutic for your emotional health as well. Filling a piggy bank daily with coins garners energies of saving and keeps money energies close to you. Black, gray, blue, and silver colors are auspicious for Rabbit persons. Onyx, obsidian, lapis, and silver custom-designed bracelets necklaces, and earrings can be worn to boost Rabbit persons’ energies in 2012.

Boundaries

Since I got home, i have been dealing with boundaries and one area I have been thinking a lot about is how I put my needs first. Although I was brought up to help people, I need to help myself first.

Today I woke up in a fog. Last week was hell and I have not caught up on my sleep since I landed in SF at 11 pm on Friday. I am happy to have today off to focus on me.

I am definitely getting rid of people who just take. And I need to learn to go faster since many of these people will take as nuch as they can get.

They have no boundaries for taking so I am putting my own up.

What Maria said on Sept 21, 2011

I had a reading:

• Very first vibration is that you are very intuitive and you are getting more so every minute. You are more than the average individual. With time, you will open up even more
• Lots of healing energy. Did you ever want to become a therapist or a doctor? Anything to do with physical, health or emotional health?
• Do you cook? You heal with nourishment
• You will be making a lot, a lot, a lot of changes
• You some times think about moving and it's on your mind to make changes
• The past 15 years has been like a vacation as you are not as productive as you want to be
• The only thing that keeps you in SF is your friends
• There is something Russian or Polish around you. It's very clear in your energy
• I see you living in Israel and you have
• When are you going to write books? Lots of writing. You have a lot to say
• You will release 25 pounds with the release of the book and then another 50
• You need to knock off the sugar; it could be the alcohol, bread and pasta
• You have fat genes but it won't be a problem when you get older
• Eat well when you travel because travel is a way of life for you. You move around a lot
• For some reason, I feel you may love and your love life will change
• You haven't had a relationship for a long time. Men cannot fit into a suitcase and that's what it is. You have traveled a lot. There will be a J or G initial. Another guy who reminds me of Tarzan. Dark complexion and dark hair. He is nice and exciting. He is younger than you and very nice. I get an M and B initials. 
• You won't believe it but you will marry again with a wonderful marriage. A very spiritual person. Someone who is around you is interested and you may not know it. There are a few guys here. This one is light. Things are changing with your energy and you will start attracting more people around you
• Do you have a Scorpio friend? Moved into a new place
• Some with investments and properties
• Do you ever lecture? I see you telling people what to do in talks. I see you speaking, speaking and speaking. telling people what to do
• Do you do it in hotels? Because I see hotels and mainly the corporate world.
• You will get out when you start writing your book and do consulting work. I see you consulting
• You do very well. They like you. You just would do more
• I see something with Washington, DC, which is very nice
• I see Montreal here too. St Jospeh is my most favorite. The energy is amazing
• I see joy, success. You simply made an amazing choice to be happy and you are doing it. You are following something that you don't know. You have Elizabeth, Liza or Liz. And a man with a Russian name like Yigor or Dmitri. Do you have spiritual guides around you?
• I hope you meditate
• Is your father gone? Was he young? He is very much around you. A nice simple. A lot of Taurus-Libra. He is full of smiles and very looking. He smiles a lot to you. He was shocked that he died and he didn't expect it. He is showing me someone named Yossi. He is around a lot. It's interesting how he'd like to develop a relationship now because I don't feel anything strong when he was alive. He is with his mother. He loved her a lot
• You need to live in a big city. An English speaking country. You will have more than one house
• In the next 2 years you will have an amazing relationship, which will determine where you want to be
• Do you ever think of doing your own business? You will do well. The business will bring you a man
• I see a number of men around you. He is a guy. The one I like most is someone who lives here and there. More than one location. He is open and can live where he wants to. He has been through some trauma in his life and he is a big, huge giver. He is really fantastic. You will teach him how to accept and take. He is a fabulous nan
• There is nothing that keeps you in SF other than your friends, There are no ties

 

 

Jet Lag

I have been home since Monday and my clock is still totally screwed up. It's 1:51 am I have been up since midnight. This week is not turning out the way I had hoped.

Ignorance

Her: "2011 was a really terrible year. It has to get better."

Me; "yeah, it was pretty rough and hopefully, we will start seeing some changes."

Her: "You are so lucky you don't have kids. You have no idea how much I worry about their future."

How dare anyone say this to me? It infuriates me. It's not like I made a conscious choice not to have kids. And I worry about the future of billions regardless if they are biologically mine.

I can't stand when people who have kids tell me how lucky I am ... people have no clue what other people feel and go through.

Hormones

I had am amazing massage, an Indian treatment where they poured oil on me and also worked on my "belly." I woke up early, took a walk on the beach and took it all in. It was great since I was alone and went for a long swim and dance in the pool. I felt energized.

My journey from Phuket to Singapore was awful.  I don't know what happened but I was stressed out and even had an issue at immigration. Everything was sour. And I wondered what happened to all that good energy. We even had to circle the airport in terrible turbulence and I had a screaming baby next to me. One of the 5 year old girls had to pee and we were holding. The dad told the mom to get some newspapers under her.  Her mom pulled out a diaper and started stuffing it in the back of her pants and then was trying to put it under her clothes. It wasn't working so she pulled down her underwear and put the darn diaper on. Then the girl held on to her you know what and did you know what. It was absolutely bizarre on a plane full of people in mid air, while her baby brother wailed.

The hotel has been a disaster and I had no idea why everything was so weird all of a sudden.  I started not to feel well and all I wanted was a shower because I also had a sour smell. I won't bore you with the hotel drama although I already tweeted and sent an email to Starwood as a result. I was so frustrated, I didn't go out. I showered and went to bed. Only to wake up with a full blown period. Hormones. And I decided to cut it short and not stay at the resort since I didn't want to be surrounded by families and kids. But in essence, I would have had my period. Mystery solved.  On to have fun with friends.

Time

All we have is time. Take time for you. Invest in knowing yourself and what you want. Move away from what was drilled into your brain about what you are supposed to do.

Create your own rules and never let anyone get in your way. If you keep encountering the same roadblock, bad relationship or stressful work situation then there is a lesson you have yet to learn. Take the precious time, dig deep inside and break the pattern.

There is no destination. Just a series of life lessons. Cherish time and be very present. Focus on what is possible for you.

I have witnessed

Too many men in speedos

Too many man boobs

Too many pedophiles

Openings and Closings

Relationships are fragile and for me, transparency is key with people I am close to. This is about my disappointment with G because I checked my work email while I was on vacation. My bad. I thought writing about it would help me understand my reaction.

I try to treat people as I would like to be treated. But when I feel someone has crossed a line, I shut down. G will have to do a lot to ever regain my trust and friendship. She made a choice that she may believe is in her best interest but it has shut the door with me.

We need to be cognizant of boundaries -- not just our own but those of others.

Sometimes when someone crosses the line, they need to focus on their new destination and leave the past behind.

No one gives us the rule book but with life experience, we should have sufficient common sense to navigate the fragile threads that bind us to each other.

It comes down this: I despise games and value honesty. There is little time for manipulation.

Be straight -- even if it hurts.

Where G went astray is when she asked me if she could interview for another position and made some lame excuses, which I called her on. She was not honest. And by talking about it, she told me that she had already interviewed. I would have supported her but the way she did it hurt.

Her new life awaits her. I understand her rationale but her approach was uninspiring and dishonest. That is the crux of it and I need to get over myself on this issue.

What's next for me? How much longer at the insane asylum that is supporting my chosen lifestyle?

Maybe I need to write a business book first that will fund my lifestyle?

 

My love: the big blue ocean

This is truly a milestone. I am just feeling happy and alive right now. I have shed a lot of the preconceptions i grew up where certain actions were labeled as right or wrong. I don't care.

People can judge and they do but almost everyone battles with their own demons. As i was sitting at the ocean at sunset, i was watching the sand crabs scurry along without having to stop their work for the humans. And they were working at a furious pace. I at quietly watching and thinking about survival.

And what really hit me is that since my divorce, I have gone through this journey where I fully decided that happiness is within reach. And every day, i shed the emotional weight. What's next is taking better care of my vessel and truly being able to get to the next level. It is not enough to work on the spirit, the time has come to tend to ghe body ... After this trip :)

Watching the Newlyweds

Breakfast again. It has not become routine. Went back to reading Aleph and it is very relevant right now:

"we always tend to value what comes from afar, never recognizing the beauty around us."

" i had allowed myself to be slowly poisoned by routine."

Lots of thoughtful reading poolside today.

There are many newlyweds here. One couple who arrived yesterday caught my attention. Today, they arrived with their Kindles and smartphones. They are eating without talking. Each reading their ebooks.

And how funny is it that today I was asked if I was feeling lonely being here on my own. I have learned over the last five years to more and more cherish my alone time. There is also nothing that i feel I am missing by not venturing outside my cocoon. It is why I chose this resort. I needed to go deep inside.

I don't have my answers but i am not sure what the questions were.

Life is Good

I don't need to find myself. I am right here. The waves are crashing across the shore and i am sitting like a princess under an enormous tree taking it all in. I feel at peace. I am not sure what transformation i was expecting to occur in Thailand.

I feel rested and energized. I find it funny that i am the only single guest at The Naka Island. The staff have stopped putting two place settings down for me and some are getting used to me. There was a new guy at the beach who wanted to set a towel on the second beach chair. The world is still programmed for couples. And i feel so good in my own skin.

Being a couple does not always make you happy. I was watching strained silences at the breakfast table.

There is no manual and so many people fall into the trap of what is expected of them. I watched a single woman last week turning on the charm around single men. It was important for her to be recognized and rewarded with flirtations.

Some may argue that i am cyncial. I just am. I don't care about fitting into predetermined boxes. I have spent the past five years smashing them over my head and never looking back.

Pursuit

I skimmed an article this morning that talked about how the key leadership ingredient that is pursuit. I so disagree, which is funny because I do strategy for a living.

Here’s the thing – pursuit leads to attainment. What you pursue will determine the paths you travel, the people you associate with, the character you develop, and ultimately, what you do or don’t achieve. Having a mindset focused on pursuit is so critical to leadership that lacking this one quality can sentence you to mediocrity or even obsolescence. The manner, method, and motivation behind any pursuit is what sets truly great leaders apart from the masses. If you want to become a great leader, become a great pursuer.

I was just having a splash in the pool and it hit me that we are too obsessed with goals and what's next. I forced myself to swim and run without thinking about how long it was or which end i would need to reach or how many laps did I swim. Goals are important but not as a way to live every day. They are good for a direction but the obsession with achievement is what i want to shed and leave behind.