Pursuing Adventures

Being single is easy. Staying single is not always so

“Disappointments are to the soul what the thunder-storm is to the air”

Friedrich von Schiller quotes (German Poet, Dramatist, Philosopher and Historian. 1759-1805)

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with a friend while he was driving back home.   I didn't feel the time go by as we talked about everything from how crazy organizations are to our personal lives.  I do wish he lived closer because he is the kind of guy I would hang out with and have more interesting conversations.  

We compared notes on our divorces since his still is happening.   It made me realize how far I've come.  I was able to articulate how I was feeling so clearly.   

About a month ago I was introduced to a woman who runs a consulting firm in Toronto.   We had a great conversation and seemed to be on the page on how we see the world.  Through our chat, we found out that we had a common friend and I realized that he had told me about her a year ago (it was the guy I talked to yesterday and asked him about her yesterday).  During the call, she asked me if I was dating and told me she could introduce me to some great men.  I shared that I was on a dating strike.   If I met someone great naturally, it would be ok but I have no energy to do the dating game right now.

And then a few days later, this email appeared in my Inbox:

Hi T,

A is with XYZ in the valley and travels a lot. She is also single…and a lovely caring spirit….
I think u 2 would enjoy a conversation and some laughs about life

A, Tom is on my board of advisors and a very seasoned smart high tech Executive that I simply ADORE J

Enjoy, 

 Love C

We started emailing each other and it was interesting since he is a worldly guy.  But then it started becoming silly for me so I asked him directly what we were doing.  I asked him about our pen pal relationship, even though we were not using pens.   He responded that he sees this as networking and that we have graduated to friends now that we are friends on FaceBook.   The pace of emails slowed down but he kept writing.

I received his last email last Friday and decided not to respond quickly.  After talking to M yesterday, I realized how ridiculous it was and how much I've learned about being true to myself.  I sent him an email saying that if he is in the Bay area, it would be good to meet.  I am done with email.  I don't need an email pal.  I am swamped with email.  i could use a Twitter pal :-)  (cheeky, I know!)

Disappointments come from expectations.  Since we are human, we will always have expectations.  It's nice to see what's possible but I need to stay away from these type of situations.

A rant on what's perceived as "right"

So, why is it that we have to manage our time?  And why do we have a concept that tells us not to waste our time?  How many times have you heard the expression: "there are only so many hours in the day?" and it always has a negative undertone with it.

Fact.  Time goes by quickly.  We celebrate anniversaries of time with holidays or celebrations - age, marriage (some of us like me also celebrate, divorce), death and every other significant "event."  Our life is a series of events.

When we start going to school, we start learning about the rules.  We are promised utopia for what happens if we pursue a good education and a lot more bullshit.  We are given home-work that we do outside the day of learning so we can expand our minds and also, that we learn the importance of discipline.  Lesson #1 - Rules and discipline are good.  Lesson #2: Never waste your time. And, so it goes ... 

Does anyone else apart from me realize how ridiculous this is?  We are teaching people to follow rules and conform.  That is what has been rewarded up to now.

If we stop to breath and think there are so many hours in the day AND what can I do today that brings me joy and a feeling of fulfilment, what changes would each of us make?

Just saying ...

A meltdown about where I am and how to move on

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." 

Carl Jung

The last week has been one of reflection and as a result, was painful.  I had a lot of realizations that helped me turn the corner.  One year ends and another begins.  At the end of 2008, I am looking at where I am, where I want to be and what changes I can make to get there.  Boy, it's not an easy road at all.

It opened some old wounds about my disastrous marriage to a liar.  I did the stuff you are not supposed to do like play the "what if" game.  What if I never married him?  Where would my life be?  What if I met someone else and had a great family life with children right now?  Believe me, I went through all the possible scenarios while I ate my way through the day.  Breakfast included coffee and a big slice of the leftover Viennese cake that friends brought for the Hanukkah gathering on Saturday night.  And the eating continued all day.  And on Monday and Tuesday too.  Monday was all about crying and letting all the emotions out.  

I felt so fragile during those three days totally out of control.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  Actually, I was in no state to talk to anyone.  I knew that they would ask what was wrong and I couldn't put it into words.  Spending time with a friend who is going through a very difficult relationship opened a lot of old wounds for me.   It came back to asking questions like: "Gee, I am pretty smart.  How the hell did I end up with such a loser?  Don't I know better?"  Why didn't I make better choices? 

I have been feeling very alone lately even though I have some great friends.  I was hoping that this year i would work in an environment where I would be surrounded by people during the work day.  But, instead, I am working 100% of the time from home and spending the most time alone than I have in years.  At least when I was on the road traveling for work, I was with people all the time.  Now, I am alone most of the week day from morning to night.  It is very isolating and I need to make some changes. 

Instead of taking care of my body by getting on a schedule where I get on the treadmill 3-4 times a week, I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

Luckily, it only lasted for a few days and I have come back to myself with a desire to change and make it happen.

A weighty issue of being childless

A friend of mine is having some challenges with her daughter.  I have been listening and trying to be supportive for years.  On this particular day after she shared the latest drama, she said: "Now, aren't you glad that you have no kids?  You can just do what you want to do ... "

I was speechless.   I got a lump in my throat and said: "Not really.  I always thought I would have kids.  But here I am right now and I am dealing with it."  There was silence.  And then she said: "You would have made a great mom.  Those kids would have been lucky."

Was this upsetting?  Yes.  I find that many women with kids often tell me how lucky I am and then in the same breath, tell me how much they love cuddling with their kids when they watch a movie.  There is no sensitivity.  There is no thought about the struggles I have made over this especially as I get older.

And often, they start talking about adoption when they realized they crossed a line.  I can't even respond to this right now.

I did not intend to be single.  It just happened.   I married too young, the first time.  I married foolishly, the second time but there were some circumstances involved that were out of my control.

I am thankful everyday that I never had children with JD.  My life would be a nightmare because of him.  He is a living drama king who has no sense of anyone else. 

But here I am and I am making the best of where I am and how I got here.

Another milestone

Wow ... it just hit me.  Today would have been my 20 year anniversary had I stay married to #1.  Holy shit, I am fucking old!!!  or maybe I just got married too young?   It's like I am a totally different person today.

Whom Not to Marry from the NYT

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest, has spent his celibate life distilling some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.

For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.

1. “Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him?
2. “Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy?
3. “Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
4. “Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother
5. “Does he have a sense of humor?
6. The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up
7. “Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so
8. “Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours?
9. “Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat
10. “Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

The full article can be found at http://moourl.com/usqzt

Celebrating independence, again and again

I've been waking up in the middle of the night since I've been back.  It would be nice to sleep through the night, for a change.

The massage yesterday almost killed me.  I was so looking forward it and I am not going back there again.  The face rest was broken so my face kept getting squished into the metal, which was very unpleasant.   Had I known before she started, I would have passed.   And then, I got a sharp pain in my lower back to my side - exactly where I had my shingles.  It scared the hell out of me.  It reminded me that I had a massage right before my shingles breakout last year.  I was glad when it was over.  I have to find someone new who is really good.  I did some research in the middle of the night and came up with 2 names.  It's so important for me with my stress management.  I store so much in my body and that needs to change.

It looks gorgeous out and I am so looking forward to the weekend.  Just relaxing with friends and having fun.  I am so ready for the weekend to start.  I am excited about the menu and just realized I better print off my shopping list before I head out.  It's not much help if it's on my laptop. 

It's a big anniversary.  Last year, my dragging and awful divorce was finally OVER.  I was rid of the jerk and it was a reason to celebrate.  Every year independence day will have many meaning for me.  And what better way to celebrate than to have a party with wonderful people?

I have so many plans ahead that I need to put into action.  Taking those few days in Barcelona and the weekend really helped me get centered again.  It's so great since I really thought I was losing it.

Thank Goodness This is Over

I still don't understand why she chose him as the father ... Guess we all have to learn from our mistakes?

Hi A,

Weird, huh? Well lucky for you (and a pain in the butt for me) he's here in the bay area. I often wish he'd travel a lot just to get him away from us -- oh well.
As for running into him, don't be surprised if you see his car cruising down your street. Let's just say that it's a behavior he's exhibited before and that leopard doesn't change his spots. Wear garlic around your neck to ward off his evil!
It's very sweet to think of C today and remember her birthday; it's too bad that she doesn't know about these good wishes.
See ya,
D

From: A
Sent: Thursday, October 25, 2007 3:25
RE: Good to see you!
Hi D,
Wow ... I am so glad I didn't run into him in London; how bizarre. I hope he is not in Spain this week and that I won't run into him here either! He is the last person on earth I'd ever want to see again.
I am thinking of C today ... I hope it's a great birthday for her.

From: D
RE: Good to see you!
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:06:21 -0700

Hi A,
Lucky you -- you were in London about the same time J was. The "luck" was in not running into him.

I probably knew about J's destructiveness before you did, which is why I was trying so hard to limit custody. I knew early on that he was very bad news and I feared for C's safety. I just hope she learns how to deal with him and cope with his BS.
Regards,
D

Dealing with Emotional Abuse

I don't know why but I have been thinking a lot about what I learned from Mr Drama King and a conversation I had with Chloe's mom when we met for a drink a few months ago. She said that she was surprised when she read the restraining order because she always saw me as a "much stronger woman that that." I told her that I was a much better writer than him and that my goal was to keep him out of my house as I had heard that he was planning to move back in. At that point, I fully recognized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had to get the fuck away from the loser.
What did he want? He wanted me to doubt myself and trust his opinion more than my own. He was the neediest man I have ever been with who carried a suitcase of issues from every color of the rainbow. If it existed, he lived it.
Only in retrospect, could I see what was going on. His abusive nature made me question myself all the time so I don't have the energy to turn to the real problem, which was him. When I finally figured it out, he couldn't handle it. He never realized that he no longer had any hold on me. He had no power and he was lost.
He always showed me his true colors but at the beginning, I didn't want to see it. I was in love and he was my Knight (quite literally!). That was his last name. How appropriate!
What were his tactics?
1. He felt like he was wronged by the world. He wasn't allowed to be in his daughter's life because he was the sperm donor gone bad. He was always the victim. And he had all the issues and drama of the world.
2. He never appreciated what I did. Just took it for granted and wanted more. He would tell me that I was the best mother his daughter and son had. But then, he would send me these long emails about how I could do better. His concern was that I change my behavior. And that's what he didn't realize when I started to put my foot down. I would never change and he was no longer in control.
3. He had a serious anger issue. He would scream and say very hurtful things when he was in anger mode. And later apologize as though those were just things said in anger. While I was hurt and took them very personally. I often wanted to get rid of him but then there was the love aspect. And I've never been in an abusive relationship before so I did not know much about it. Now, I am an absolute expert and can laugh about it. Time does heal.
4. He wants you to believe that he was good at something I wasn't. Therefore, I couldn't live without him. He was the experienced parent. He was the published author with the framed photo. And when I finally woke up and realized, he was the loser and not me. I was out of there as fast as the cheetah.
5. And here is the clincher. He was different when we first met. It took months for him to show his true colors. He wanted me to feel safe before he acted out his abuse. That way, when it starts, you don't believe it is happening. This doubt is his ally.
6. The abuser takes credit for everything good which in turn, you are to blame for everything bad. This isn't necessarily black and white.
7. The abuser wants you to feel crazy. Therefore, you become powerless and appear to be inconsistent and unreliable making his case against you iron clad.
8. They advertise their pain and anguish to anyone who will listen. So again, you appear to be the one causing it all and the abuser appears to be the innocent bystander. Get close. Pull back. Blame. Defend. Attack. Put the other party on the defensive.

For the time I was first with him, I doubted myself, worried, tried harder, told myself this isn't how he was before. I started looking for the why. There is no why beyond control.

Jet lag

I finally finished reading Eat, Love, Pray and just absolutely loved it. It was a very different experience for me since I was able to follow my life with what the author was experiencing and I didn't come hard on myself in taking so long to read it. As I said, it was a brand new experience. With jet lag, I read the last 40 pages at 1:30 am yesterday and I got chills when she described her birthday celebration in Bali ... on July 18th ... I finished the book on the 19th.

Is there any other way? Just live, be and love. All the rest is such BS

I was driving into the city yesterday and I was thinking about how I always thought about my life about the men I was with. That is so over now. It's about MY life and what I want to do. Do I live up to my expectations? my needs? All the rest doesn't matter at all!!
What a fantastic place to be.
Life is good. Now, I need to get my ass in gear: get work done, swim, shower, pack, make myself beautiful and get to the airport. I am heading to a week of meetings in London and then going to hang out at Leah's new digs in Barcelona. After I get the work out of the way, it should be a blast.
I think I am going to start with a swim now so I can shower and flatten my hair. Then pack, work and go ... I know the drill. But I am loving life.

By the way, I have been writing asshole a note that I know I won't send with the first check I need to send him. Here is what it would say.

JD,

I now know that divorcing you was the best decision I ever made. My gut was right. You were not true to your word.
You told me that you would be forever indebted to me for what I did for your family (kids, parents) and you. That you don't want my money.
Now that's the biggest lie. In 2005, I wrote in my journal that I know that you'd go for the money (it's on this blog) and you did.
Now it's over. You are out of my life forever and it took money, which is so meaningless. I see it as your finder's fee for this great house and life I have. When I saw you on Thursday, I could tell that you were angry and hurt and were still seeking some intimacy. There is none. I've been done for a very long time.

Good riddance,

me

New Beginnings

It's a beautiful morning and I slept for 7 hours. I took it easy yesterday to just breath. I organized the garage, threw more stuff out and cleaned it a bit. Getting it all out of my system.

Amy and I were going to go have a drink at Bing's on Thursday night but we ended up at Jo's Sushi with Glenn. I don't think I was ready for "pick up night" as the last thing on my mind right now is another man. Over some great sushi, Glenn asked me what I learned from all of is. I didn't think twice since this whole marriage and divorce was about my growth. As the vedic astrologer said and I finally understood, it was a debilitating event that will get me to where I want to be. In his own words, "This is a time of debilitation cancelled, which means it is a blessing in disguise." These are my key lessons:

1. When someone shows you who he is in the first 15 seconds, believe him
2. Always, always, always trust your gut. If it stinks, it stinks. No sugar coating.
3. Most important, love yourself. No one else can ever complete you.
4. I am happy on my own. I love my friends but unless it is a person who is whole, I am doing fine on my own
5. I never would have been living in this great house, surrounded by wonderful friends if I never met him. So focus on the good stuff and work through the pain and disappointments

Finally, hasta la vista Mr Drama King Loser

It's 4 am and I am up ... I am not sure how to capture the last 24 hours. There are so many thoughts running through my head.
It was strange to see Jeff after 1 year. He looked old and disheveled. Gray and hunchbacked. His anger and victimization scarred his looks and all I could think to myself was how in hell was I ever attracted and married to this shell of a man? I so wanted him out of my life forever and it was around the corner.
The signed agreement stated that he would arrive at 10 am with his movers to pick up his personal property that was rotting away in my garage and the sofas, which were community property and I always hated them. I woke up early since I had some work to do before the big drama. I was on a call with London and at 8:43 am I saw a big moving truck pull in front of the house. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. It was real. It was happening today. I tried to finish my call because I wanted to rid myself of my anxiety. As soon as I ended my call, my phone rang again. And at 9 am, I saw two men walking up my driveway. It was the movers holding their clipboards. They saw me on the phone in my office and still rang the door bell.
I went to the front door and told them that this move is my ex's and is not supposed to start until 10 am and they need to speak to him. Off they went down the hill back to their truck. I am sure they just want to do their job and don't want to get in the middle of any of this drama. I just continued my call. It was all setting in that in a few hours, I will be done with my second marriage. I got off the phone when Mike arrived. He was there to be my witness in anticipation of any drama. I was so happy to see him because I knew I would be safe. He went to use the bathroom and the door bell rang again. It was the two movers with their clipboards. Why were they back? It was only 9:30 am. I opened the door and they asked me if they just saw Jeff come in and I said no, it wasn't. Down the hill they went again. Not happy about the fact they couldn't get started. Hey, I was just following the law. And this asshole, wanted the law instead of settling when I offered.
While I was showing Mike the stuff in the garage, Sheila had arrived and was sitting on the front porch. I let her in and she set up her "mobile" office on the couch in the den. I really appreciated her coming over, especially since she was not feeling great. Then, Amy arrived. She said she saw Jeff when she pulled in and when he saw her, he jumped into his car. She said Ryland was with him. I was not surprised at all that he brought his son to run his errands for him. What was ridiculous was he didn't want my mom or sister here and let my lawyer know. Yet, he brings his loser son. At least, I knew. I went to the windows in the living room and I could see Jeff and Ryland for myself signing paperwork on the movers clipboard. I breathed as this was the first time I saw him in over a year thanks to the restraining order. I knew that in a few hours it would all be over. I was so grateful my friends were there. I had the support I needed to close this door.
My phone rang. It was Glenn and he was running late. I wanted to make sure I wasn't disrupting his work day!! But he was on his way, which was so great. More support.
Mike, Sheila and Amy were chatting and I tried to follow but I was a bit anxious. This man was a disgusting liar and now I had to deal with him. Luckily, for the last time ever.
The door bell rang at 10:02 and there he was holding a clipboard with his son on his side with a camera wrapped around his neck. How could I have married this loser? I had no time to contemplate that right now.
I opened the door and told him that our lawyers agreed that we would start with the garage so he could see what was missing since all his stuff was there. He started to argue with me "But what about my TV?" It's in the garage with the rest of your shit.
I was astounded. We had sent him an inventory of all his stuff and specified that it was in the garage. But I guess he doesn't know how to read. I told him that I will open the garage door and that they should meet me there. I also introduced them to Mike, who ended up being my hero. He is such an amazing guy.
The garage door opened and he was astounded. I had draped blankets over my stuff so the mover wouldn't touch it. His first reaction was that I need to take it down so he can find his tools and stuff that is there. I told him everything is packed up and I don't want anything of his. He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want his desk, the exercise bike and started arguing. He then went to call his lawyer, Judy, which I have to admit did absolutely nothing for me. He was such a joke and totally predictable.
Glenn walked up the driveway and lightened the whole experience. Mike and he pulled me to the side and told me to let him win one and I could sell it on Craiglist. I breathed. It was great they were there since they had no emotions about this asshole.
Did I mention that he looked like shit? He was wearing clothes he had for years and looked old. I breathed and told myself to stand my ground and not let him push any buttons. The great thing was that he no longer had ANY impact on me. He was definitely out of my life for good and that felt so good.
He then insisted on doing the walk through the house, which was fine with me. I wanted to get it over with. My lawyer told me they had agreed that he would not open closets or drawers but he was oblivious. We started with the left side of the house and the laundry room where he opened every fucking door and found nothing. I even had a draft of his novel that I am planning to burn after I didn't need it for evidence in the court that he didn't see, which was very sweet. He then led Mike, Ryland and me to the bathroom and said, "I guess there is nothing of mine here." And walked directly to his old office, which is now a guest room. As he looked at the furniture, he muttered "nice." I said nothing as he opened the closet, picked up one of my pictures and realized I had obilerated him from this space that used to be his. There was nothing there. We had to pass Amy to go to the kitchen. Luckily, he didn't stop to check the drawers or cupboards. But he did notice the new wine rack. We went into the living room and he saw the sofas and agreed to take the coffee tables, which was really funny. He made a comment about the dinette but didn't make a play for it.
He proceeded to the den and to entertain Sheila when he opened the cupboard where his DVDs and CDs used to be and made Ryland take photos so he could check the titles later. OMG, what an ass. And Ryland is trying to snap a photo and tells his dad that he doesn't know how to use the camera. And mutters under his breath, "and I go to UC Berkeley." He then realized he didn't take the cap off as Jeff is instructing him. Some things don't change.
And then the best part. I had no idea that the basket I had the logs in was sentimental. He saw it and went gaga "that;s from my mother and has sentimental value." I said, "oh, let me give it to you right now." I pulled the logs out and handed him that basket. Quite honestly, it was great. I didn't want one thing from his narcissistic crazy mother in my home.
We then went into my office. It was very different from when he saw it last. He was looking for his "things" and hopefully, he started to realize they were all in the garage. Anyhow, he opened my closet and started poking around. It was so pathetic. He cruised by his old bathroom and walked to the room that used to be his daughter's but you wouldn't know it at all.
The bedroom is where I lost it a bit. He was insisting to open all the drawers. I asked him if he wanted to see my underwear and opened it. When he approached my nightstand, I got really pissed. He had absolutely no right and I made it clear to him that it's off limits. Then, he opened my closet and I said again that I don't want 1 thing from him in my life. And apart from the basket, there were no other remnants of us ever being together in this house.
We came back out where he wanted to go check the backyard. We walked out, he looked around. I had it landscaped and just had a party out there for the 4th. He looked around and wanted to go back to the garage.
And that was the funniest. I opened the door and there was Glenn who pulled a chair next to the desk Jeff didn't want and he was working while the movers were loading the truck. It was classic and wonderful.
My friends were there and they made it a celebration of my life. He was history; my distant past. It also felt good to see the ever growing empty space in the garage.
My phone rang and it was lawyer telling me that he just had an argument with Judy. I told him it was under control and it's a waste of time. They were arguing semantics. Power and control. Whatever. My goal was to get him out of my life forever.
When I came back to the garage, Jeff approached me to keep his heavy, ugly oak dresser. I would be doing him a favor. I could get Goodwill to take it with the other stuff. I said, it's his and he needs to take it. Mike said to decide later when we got to it. Somehow I got stuck in the garage with my ex and he informed me all of a sudden that he wants the exercise bike for a friend who just had open heart surgery and wanted to take it. I told him that Glenn was going to take it and started to argue with me. I didn't really care actually. The more that can be taken right away, the better. I let it go after arguing for a bit. I shared the news with Glenn when he came out with Amy and we had a laugh.
And it should come as no surprise that I made him take his oak dresser and got a jab in as well.
The sofas were on the truck and the garage was almost empty. He took everything and stopped arguing. I have a few pieces to get rid off but not much.
And when the last piece was out, I closed the garage without a farewell. I was done.
It was time for champagne!!!!
And the rest is history.

I was happier today than the day I married him. Doesn't that say a lot?

It's Over!!!!

I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done!!!!!!!
Now, that's what I call a real time stress relief. Just in time for Independence Day.
Mr. Drama King is supposed to pick up his shit and do a walk through on the 12th. And then, he is out of my life forever! Prepare for a BIG celebration on the 12th!!! Although I've already started. I am going to sign the papers on Thursday.
Since it's a work day, I am hoping someone can be here when he comes with his ego, anger and movers. I have absolutely nothing more to say to him, apart from hasta la vista, asshole.
Tainted Love came on as I celebrated in the pool yesterday and I thought these words were very appropriate from Marilyn Manson: Once I ran to you (I ran) Now I'll run from you
I am going to get some more sleep before today's celebrations begin!
"We must be willing to ge trid of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

Shingles come back

I am really disappointed. I was going to visit Marilyn today at her home and I woke up feeling awful. Yesterday was bizarre. I had a lot of pain along the nerve and it was also frustrating. I am ready to be better. I want to move forward. I ended up taking an ambien to sleep. I slept but now, I feel awful and I am scared of driving such a long distance in this condition.
Celebrity, Woody Allen's movie is on the background, I am watching a random scene where Judy Davis shows up to ask for sexual advice especially around new techniques. When Bebe Neuwirth asks Judy Davis whether she enjoys giving a blow job, her response is "I think so but I am usually thinking about the Crucifixion." Than Bebe asks her to demonstrate on a banana and almost bites into it. It made me laugh. I am feeling so frustrated right now so a laugh is good.
It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I am just going to crawl back to bed. When will I feel better? When do I get to turn the corner? My back is killing and the stabbing nerve pain is here ... I will need to call the advice nurse later as I can't find anything on the Internet. I was thinking that I was getting better. I don't get it ... maybe the stress of work is related? or maybe it's the fact that my divorce lawyer is so awful. I am so tired of having to chase everyone and keep on top of it all.